Road to Recovery
by starvingstudent
Summary: Post season 6 with an emphasis on Meredith and Derek. COMPLETE.
1. Chapter 1

_**AN: I couldn't help myself. The finale was bloody and angsty, and yet I kind of loved it. This focuses on Meredith and Derek from the end of the finale. It will likely be a few chapters.**_

_**Disclaimer: I am not affiliated with the show. I am simply borrowing characters for my own amusement and method of procrastination. **_

_**oo**_

His eyes were closed. Despite all of the tubes and wires attached to his body, she could still see his face; could still make out the line of his lips, the slight asymmetry of his nose and the way his eye lids currently hid the blue of his irises from her. His hair was messy and unkempt, contrasting darkly against the white of the hospital linens.

His pale skin, however, did not contrast much at all with the white pillowcase beneath his head. She had never seen him so...sick. In fact, she had barely seen him sick before. Or hurt. She wasn't surprised that seeing him this way made her heart ache, but she was surprised at the intensity of the ache.

Though that may have more to do than the fact that she was standing in the doorway of her husband's hospital room as he slept, trying to recover from his life saving surgery.

Meredith released a breath, and with it came a sob. The ache in her chest was definitely due to more than just seeing her husband inured and weak and in pain.

But he was alive; and right now _that _was the most important thing. That was what was keeping her going right now. Because if she had lost him too...

She shook her head, pushing the thought away because she hadn't lost him. He had promised not to die, and he hadn't. He had lived.

The monitor by his bed side confirmed that he was alive. His heartbeat was strong despite how close the bullet had come to killing him. He had fought. He hadn't given up.

And she wasn't going to give up either. Not ever again.

The rise and fall of his chest changed almost imperceptibly. Anyone who wasn't her probably wouldn't have noticed. But she shared a bed with him. She could tell when he was sleeping, when he was awake.

And when he was just waking up.

The flutter of his eyelids didn't surprise her. He blinked. Once. Twice. Three times. Then he winced, and even from across the room, she winced with him.

He was in pain. And he would be in pain for some time. Gun shot wounds were evil. It was amazing how much damaged a small chunk of metal could do. It had pierced through his skin and muscle, broken a rib on its way into his chest, punctured his pericardium, damaged his lungs and tucked itself away under his aorta. So much damage. So much pain.

As if he could sense her, his head turned ever so slightly, and she smiled as his blue eyes met hers.

"Hey," he mumbled. The hand closest to her, his right, lifted a few inches off the bed.

"Hey," she returned, pushing herself off of the doorway and padding towards him. She closed her hand around the hand that was still hovering above the bed and leaned down to kiss him. Tears welled in her eyes, but it didn't matter. Because he was alive. And right now that was all she could think about.

A sob escaped from somewhere deep in her chest and she broke the kiss, instead pressing her forehead to his. She dropped his hand to cradle the other side of his head. His arm shifted and bent at the elbow and his fingers closed around her upper arm. His grasp was weak, but oh so much stronger than it had been before his surgery, when he had been lying in a pool of his own blood.

Meredith closed her eyes and inhaled sharply. His hand tightened around her arm. Tears pressed at the insides of her own eyelids until they found their way through. She shifted so that her face was pressed into the side of his head, and after a moment, his left hand found her right as it cradled the side of his head.

"This is a pathetic excuse for a hug," he whispered, his voice raspy, "But it's the best I can do right now."

A laughing sob escaped through her lips this time and she lifted her head, kissing his again before pulling away. "It's okay." She dropped into the chair next to his bed and dropped the side rail down so that she could hold his hand. "I love you, Derek. I love you so much. Thank you for not dying."

He squeezed her hand. "I have too much to live for."

She lifted his hand off the bed with both of hers and pressed her lips to it.

When she was done, he cupped her cheek with his hand, his thumb brushing at her tears. "I love you," he whispered. His breathing caught, and then he winced at the movement, but his eyes stayed trained on hers. "I want to hold you so much right now."

"Me too." She nodded, squeezing his hand as it pressed against her cheek. She had almost lost everything today. The thought of crawling into bed next to him and letting him hold her caused her chest to ache even more. But that wasn't going to happen. He was too fragile; was in too much pain.

"It might be a couple days," he continued, his raspy voice getting quieter, as if talking was draining his energy level.

Meredith mustered up enough strength of her own to smile. "I can wait. I'll just have to do this instead." She stood and kissed him again.

His eyelids were drooping when she pulled away, but the blue of his eyes was as vibrant as ever, despite the pain and the drugs in his system.

"It might also be a couple days," he continued, pausing for a breath, "before we can get to...all the...dirty sex."

This time she did laugh. "Might be a couple days?"

He attempted a shrug, but made a face at the movement. "Maybe a little...longer."

"I can wait," she repeated, knowing it was going to be far more than a couple days.

His eyes closed in what was probably supposed to be a blink, but it was a good ten seconds before they opened again.

"Do you need anything? Pain meds?"

"Just you," he whispered. His eyes closed again.

"You have me," she whispered back, "And I'm not going anywhere."

His eyes stayed closed, but his lips curled upwards and stayed that way as his breathing deepened. When he was asleep, Meredith ran her fingers through his hair, trying not to imagine the same hair on a baby. Their baby.

She sat back down in the chair, clutching to his hand with one of hers and laying the other against her abdomen. And for a moment she let herself imagine what could have been. It was early evening now. They'd probably be home, assuming Derek could get away from his paperwork. Would she have told him by now? They were going to order food and stay in. Would she have let the news slip before dinner? After? During? She hadn't thought about it. Maybe she would have wrapped the test up and given it to him. It was kind of gross and unsanitary, but...maybe. He probably would have liked that. Regardless of when and how she told him, he would have been happy. Would he have cried? Maybe. Probably.

She cried now. She had wanted so badly to see the same happiness she had felt in his eyes.

His eyes were closed now. But they'd be open again. And maybe one day she would be able to see that happiness in his eyes.

The rise and fall of his chest was a comforting sound, reminding her with every inhale that he was alive and with every exhale that he was going to stay that way. The heart monitor continued to display just how well he was doing.

And for a moment she smiled because he was safe and he was stable. He would only get stronger from here. Tomorrow would be better.

But for right now, Meredith clutched to her husband's hand and allowed herself to grieve for what they had both lost today.


	2. Chapter 2

Meredith continued to sit by Derek's bedside for some amount of time between minutes and hours. Her tears eventually dried up, but did little to cure the ache in her chest. His hand was warm in hers, and she clutched at it as if it were a lifeline. And maybe it was.

"How's he doing?"

She hadn't heard anyone come into the room, so she jumped at her best friend's voice. Footsteps padded up behind her and a comforting hand fell onto her shoulder. "Good," she whispered, "Thanks to you. Owen?"

Cristina made a sound in the back of her throat. "Angry. Stubborn. Stupid. Take your pick. He's refusing to so much as sit down. I gave up chasing him around the hospital. When he passes out, they can come and get me."

Meredith had to smile at Cristina's rant. She was maybe the only person in the world who could decipher what Cristina was really feeling. How scared she really was; how worried about Owen. "I'm sure he'll be fine. The bullet went right through, and I...I did my very best work."

There was a pause, and then Cristina's arms were around her, clutching to her. "Thank you for saving my guy."

If she had any more tears left to cry, she'd be crying now. She pulled one of her hands away from Derek's and hugged Cristina back. "Thank you for saving _my_ guy."

Cristina pulled away and offered her a shrug and a smile. "Are you kidding? I get to be the cardio god resident who saved the Chief of Surgery from a crazy guy with a gun. That's a title everyone will be jealous of."

"It's a little long though," Meredith responded. "We'll have to come up something shorter."

"Something that's even better than the heart in the elevator guy," Cristina said, "Because I've been jealous of George forever."

"I think George would be happy to know you were jealous of him." It had been a little more than a year since they had lost their friend, a prelude apparently to the shock and horror of what was to come; of what could happen when you least expect it. And even though she still missed him, she could think back and smile. For a moment it was nice to smile, but the smile fell away as the events of the day washed over her again.

Cristina pulled a chair up beside her, sitting towards Derek's feet. "His pulse is good."

She nodded.

"Have you talked to him yet?"

"He was awake for a few minutes. He was...exhausted, but clear. He's going to be okay."

"Good. I'd have to kick his ass if he wasn't."

Still clutching to Derek's hand with her left, Meredith reached for Cristina's hand with her right. "He was pointing a gun at you head." There had been something about the look in Owen's eyes when he had said everything looked like it was going fine. She had sat on the floor trying to convince herself that everything really was okay, even though she could feel in her gut that it wasn't. When she had finally stood and peeked through the window her heart had almost stopped from the shock. The crazy guy. And the gun. And Cristina.

And her husband.

She had been out of the scrub room before April had been able to process that she had stood up.

"Meredith..."

"No." She shook her head. "He was holding a gun to your head, and you still didn't back down. You didn't give up on Derek. You risked your life." She sniffed and shook her head again. "_Thank you_."

Cristina sighed and then laid her head onto Meredith's shoulder. "He's your husband," she said simply. "And if I let him die I'd have to deal with you, and your crazy, and your whining, alone for the rest of my life."

She released a small laugh.

"He's family," Cristina continued. "I mean, I know I don't always like him, but you're my family. And he's your husband. And he loves you. And if I've learned anything from you, it's that you build your own family. So...family."

"Does that make Owen my family?"

Cristina lips curled into an uncharacteristic smile. "I think it does."

Meredith offered her a small smile back. "What about the rest of our family?" She had gone from the OR to recovery, to the bathroom to clean up, to the locker room to change out of her soiled scrubs, to Derek's hospital room. She hadn't really wanted to talk to anyone.

"Fine."

"Are you sure?"

Cristina nodded, but didn't meet her eyes.

"Cristina."

Her best friend shook her head. "They're fine, Meredith. Bailey, Lexie, Sloan...Alex. Webber. Callie. Arizona. Teddy. They're fine."

"Then why can't you look me in the eye?"

Cristina sighed, but did meet her gaze. "A lot of people died today, Meredith," she whispered. "Doctors, nurses, security guards. Patients, probably. You wouldn't think one guy with one gun could kill so many people." She sighed. "Reed and Percy are dead."

Meredith closed her eyes. "Oh..."

"It was a bad day."

Meredith sniffed and nodded, and was surprised to feel new tears in her eyes. She had been sure she had run her tear ducts dry.

"Meredith..." Cristina turned to her and hugged her again. "I'm so sorry." She didn't have to specify what she was sorry for. When Meredith had returned to Derek's OR with April and a sewn up Owen, the blood on her scrub pants had been hard to miss.

"I guess it was all too much," she whispered.

"It would be too much for anyone."

Meredith nodded, accepting the words, but not sure if she believed it or not. Somewhere small deep down inside her the old Meredith was thinking maybe this was a sign to come; a prequel to how unsuited she was to be a parent. The new Meredith was fighting not to believe it; was fighting to believe there had been nothing she could have done.

"You know this isn't your fault."

She turned to her best friend and sighed. "I don't want to talk about it."

"Meredith..."

"Please." She turned back to Derek and rubbed her thumb across his hand. "I just want to focus on what I didn't lose today, not what I did."

"Okay." Cristina let it go.

For several minutes they sat in silence, Meredith staring at Derek and Cristina staring at the heart monitor.

"You know, you kind of owe me an apology," Cristina finally said, breaking the silence. Her voice was lighter than before. She was trying to change the topic.

"For what?"

"For_ throwing_ me across the storage closet."

"I so didn't throw you. I pushed you."

"See; apology owed."

"You told me I had to go through you."

"I didn't actually think you would do it."

Meredith considered her actions for a long moment. "You know, I barely remember pushing you. Or running. Or...anything. I just remember holding my hands over the hole in his chest and screaming at him not to die."

"Adrenaline. Otherwise there's no way you could have taken me."

"I am sorry. For pushing you. Not for going to him. That I'm not sorry for, no matter the danger."

"Me either."

"Thank you for coming with me; coming after me."

"That's what family is for, right?"

"Right."

Cristina sighed, and then squeezed Meredith's hand. "Are you sure you're okay? Have you had anyone check you out?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Meredith-"

"No," she said, cutting Cristina off. "I think I've found a pretty good balance between being grateful Derek is alive and being numb about everything else. And I'd like to keep it that way for a little while. I don't want to talk. I can't talk."

"Okay." And this time Cristina sounded like she'd dropped the subject.

Meredith squeezed her hand, and then Derek's, grateful for the silence. Grateful that she hadn't lost her whole family today.

Several minutes went by. Ten. Twenty. Thirty, maybe. Cristina eventually sighed and stood, dropping Meredith's hand. "I'm going to go and find Owen."

"Okay." Meredith reached her now free hand to join her other one in clutching onto Derek's.

"He's going to be okay."

"I know."

Cristina left and pulled the door shut behind her.

Derek shifted at the sound. The even rhythm of his breathing was disrupted and his eyes fluttered open. "Mer?"

She stood. "I'm here."

His eyes closed and he hummed in response.

She cupped his face with her hands. "How are you feeling?"

"Tired."

"Then go back to sleep," she whispered, ducking her head to kiss him.

"Hmm," he hummed again. "'love you."

"I love you too."

OO

Hours had passed since she had first entered the room. She had only left once to use the bathroom. It was dark outside now, but whether it be the middle of the evening or early morning, she didn't know. The cramping had subsided now and was almost gone.

She wasn't sure how she felt about that. She had been honest when she had told Cristina she felt numb. Derek was alive. She allowed herself to feel that. But everything else seemed...impossible. She didn't want to feel that right now. And maybe that wasn't the healthiest way of dealing with things, but it was what she was doing.

Derek was a little more active now, as his body began to recover from the stress and the anaesthetic. He had woken a few times, for no more than a minute or two, but it was progress. He was on the road to recovery.

"I really do love you," she whispered to his currently sleeping form. "It took me a long time to get to this point, but I'm here now. And you're here too. You're alive."

Alive.

Derek was alive and warm and right in front of her. He was sleeping because he was recovering; because he was going to get better. He was going to stay with her.

"God, I love you," she repeated. "I'm so sorry...about everything." She reached to run a hand through his hair. "Thank you for not dying."

His breathing changed, but he didn't wake.

"I meant what I said," she continued at a whisper, clutching to his hand again. "I can't live without you. Thank you for not leaving me alone."


	3. Chapter 3

_ Derek was bleeding._

_ He was lying on the floor of the catwalk in a pool of his own blood. And no matter when she did, she couldn't stop the bleeding. The hole in his chest just kept getting bigger and bigger. The blood kept escaping. _

_ He was running out. She knew he was going to run out, but she couldn't stop it. Four years of medical school and three years of residency made seven years of training. But she couldn't even stop the hole in her husband's chest from bleeding._

_ She screamed at him. Screamed his name. Screamed at him to stay alive, to not die. She screamed at him to hold on._

_ But no one was coming. She was alone, and she wasn't enough to save him._

_ His hand, slippery from his own blood, grasped onto her wrist as she held both hands onto the growing hole in his chest. "Meredith," he said. "I'm going to die."_

_ She shook her head and screamed at him to stay alive._

_ "Like father like son," was his response._

_ She met his eyes now, and saw that look in them. The look that said he knew what was coming._

_ "No. No!"_

_ "Get out of here, Meredith, before he shoots you too."_

_ "I'm not leaving you here."_

_ A shot rang out, and Meredith's eyes shot upwards. _He_ was standing there, above them, holding a gun._

_ "No. Please," she begged._

_ "An eye for an eye," was all he said._

_ Meredith crouched down further, trying to cover Derek, trying to protect him from the man with the gun._

_ But it was too late. Derek had disappeared from behind those blue eyes. His face was blank. And his hand released her wrist._

_ "No!" She screamed again._

_ He was dead._

_ A rush of pain washed over her and her abdomen constricted painfully. And she knew what was happening. She felt the pain and the loss. And the blood, coming from herself now._

_ She had lost everything. She had-_

A hand on her shoulder woke her with a start. And she was up and out of the chair and turning, ready to face whoever was there, ready to keep them away from Derek, before she even realized she had been dreaming.

Richard stood before her, his hands held up in front of him, looking concerned.

Meredith sucked in a breath and didn't even bother to try and stop the tears that were streaming down her cheeks. She spun towards the hospital bed, terrified for what she might see.

Derek was still sleeping, looking just how he had been before she had fallen asleep. His chest was still rising and falling in a familiar rhythm. His heartbeat was still just as strong. The hole in his chest had been repaired. He wasn't bleeding anymore. And he wasn't dying. And there was no more man with the gun.

"Oh..." She stammered, one hand going to her mouth.

Richard must have stepped closer without her noticing, because his hand landed on her back, in a way that was supposed to show her support.

Instead, she jumped at the touch, her heart thudding in her chest.

"Hey, it's okay," he offered, sensing her need for space and backing up.

Meredith wiped her hand across her face. "Sorry. I..." Her breathing caught as she released a sob. "Dream. Bad dream. Sorry."

Richard offered her a sympathetic look as he moved to the far side of the bed, glancing at the monitors. "Was it about the shooting?"

"I...don't remember." She didn't want to talk about it.

"Okay." He offered her a smile. "I just came in to check on Derek."

"He's good. He's...good. Really good," She rambled. "He's...not bleeding. Not bleeding anymore. His heart rate is...good. He's good."

"I see that." He sat on the chair opposite Meredith. "How are you?"

She shook her head. "I'm fine." Derek's hand was still warm when she grasped onto it and sat back in her chair. "Really."

"I'm so sorry, Meredith. I'm so sorry you had to go through this today."

"Me too."

"She was my patient; his wife. This was my fault."

She looked up, and then slowly shook her head. "No. It's _his_ fault."

Richard nodded. "Thank you."

Meredith sniffed and turned her attention back to Derek. It was still dark outside the window. She had no idea how long she had been asleep. There was no clock in the room, and her watch was somewhere in the back of her cubby, covered in Derek's blood. Her heart had slowed back down to normal. And she could breath. "Do you know what time it is?"

"Almost three."

"In the morning?"

He nodded.

It was a new day. The worst day of her life was now yesterday, and not today. She had had a lot of really bad days before yesterday, but nothing could have prepared her for just how bad a day could be.

"Were you...here? I don't remember seeing you this morning."

"I wasn't on today. I came though. I..." He shook his head, his eyes glazing over ever so slightly. "I watched a man shoot himself in the head."

"I watched that man shoot my husband in the chest."

His eyes regained focus. "You saw it happen?"

She nodded, tears welling in her eyes. And despite how much she didn't want to, she could see the replay behind her eyes. Again and again and again. The way he had turned back around, his hands up in surrender. The sound of the gunshot. The way his body lurched, and then fell. The amount of blood he had already lost when she got there.

"Meredith..."

She shook her head. "No. I don't want to talk about it."

"He's going to be okay."

"I know." She reached a hand to run through his hair. His breathing lightened for a moment, and that was a good sign. His body was starting to recover from the anaesthesia. He was reacting more to touch, proving what a light sleeper he was. "I know," she repeated.

"Good. Altman is still over at Seattle Pres, but she'll be back in a few hours. We're going to send Derek for a scan around nine, just to make sure everything is okay."

She nodded. "Why is Altman at Seattle Pres?"

Richard hesitated noticeably, before finally responding, "Helping with the overflow. We had surgical patients that had to be evacuated and moved."

In the back of her mind, she knew there was something he wasn't telling her, but she didn't have the energy or the emotional capacity right now to push the issue.

Derek shifted again, and her attention was on him. His hand squeezed hers, and then his eyes opened.

She offered him a smile and a soft, "Hey."

He returned her smile as much as he could and echoed her with his own raspy, "Hey."

"How are you feeling, Derek?" Richard asked.

Derek's eyes closed as he rolled his head to face the other side of the bed. He stared at Richard for a moment. "Okay," he finally whispered. "Tired, but okay."

"Good. Everything is looking great. You'll be back to normal in no time."

It was a lie. And all three of them knew it, but it was one of those lies you ignore because it makes you feel just a little bit better.

"I was just telling Meredith that we were going to send you for a scan around nine; just to make sure everything is okay. Yang did an excellent job though. I'm not expecting any issues."

Derek's head shifted in a weak nod.

"Do you need anything for the pain?"

His head moved again; this time side to side ever so slightly, before turning back to face Meredith. "I have all the pain relief I need right here." He squeezed her hand.

Meredith felt her eyes well again as she smiled at him. "Cheesy."

Derek released an almost laughing breath and his eyes closed.

She stood and kissed him, before letting him fall back to sleep.

Richard stood. "I'll come back and check on him later."

"Thank you."

When she was alone with Derek again, she lifted his hand and held his palm to her cheek, taking comfort from its warmth. He slept through the movement.

"I hope your dreams are better then mine," she whispered to his sleeping form. The last thing he deserved right now was nightmares. He needed to sleep. He needed to recover. And that was _all_ he should have to worry about.

There would be no more sleep for her tonight. She had already seen him gunned down in real life. She had already felt the pain of watching him die. She didn't need to see any of that in her dreams.

"I'm here," she whispered. She lifted her hand, meaning to place it on his chest, but hesitating. Even touching him away from his incision could hurt. Instead, she placed her hand down on his thigh as she repeated, "I'm here. No matter what, I'm here." It didn't matter how weak he was now, or how long his recovery would be. Just like it hadn't mattered that the man with the gun could have still been there when she had raced to Derek on the catwalk.

It was a couple hours later before his eyes opened again.

"Morning," she whispered. She still didn't have any way of knowing what time it was, but the world outside the window was getting lighter.

"Morning," he responded, "Can I...have...some water?"

She winced at how dry and raspy his voice was; like speaking was painful. "Uh, I don't..." He'd had heart surgery. His left lung had been damaged and partly saturated with blood. He was at risk for pneumonia. "Ice chips. I'll get you some ice chips. And when Teddy gets here we can ask her about fluids."

He sighed and his eyes closed. Her heart broke a bit, because she knew how much he hated to be weak.

"I'm sorry. I...I'm sorry. I know you don't want to be here, needing permission to have water, but it will get better. I promise. I promise it will get better. Just like you promised not to die. Okay?"

Derek's eyes opened and he squeezed her hand. "Okay." His lips curled up into a small smile. "I love you."

She kissed him. "I love you too, so freaking much." She kissed him again. "I'll be right back."

Even though she had practically grown up in the hospital, the hallway outside Derek's room was alien to her. Surviving hospital staff moved between rooms, treating the patients who hadn't been evacuated. Sympathetic glances were thrown her way. She kept her head down as she turned down the hall to the break room off of the nurses' station. It was, thankfully, empty. She pulled the door shut behind her and sucked in a breath.

She had never expected to feel so out of place in a hospital. She had grown up in a hospital. She worked in a hospital. She had been a patient several times.

But she had never had a loved one as a patient, not really. Not before now.

Now she felt helpless and out of place. She wanted so much to take her husband home and curl up against him in their bed, and just let him hold her. That was what she wanted. That was what she wanted more than anything right now.

She shook her head. That wasn't going to happen any time soon. And she had to focus on what was happening now. Derek needed her.

The cups were in the cupboard beside the ice machine. She took one, and then two. The first she filled with water, and then downed it quickly. She hadn't realized how thirsty she was until that moment.

She filled it again, this time drinking a little slower. She was probably dehydrated.

After finishing her second, she tossed the cup in the garbage and filled the other one with ice.

The journey back to Derek's room was much like the first. Alien and uncomfortable. The clock by the nurses' station told her it was half passed six.

Her shoulders sagged in relief when she was back in the hospital room, the door closed behind her.

Derek's eyes were closed again.

She stepped forward, hesitating before brushing her palm against his cheek. "You still awake?"

His eyes fluttered open. "Sort of."

She smiled. "I have to ice chips."

He tried to reach for the cup with his hand, but winced at the movement.

"Here," she murmured, picking up a chip and brushing it against his lips. His mouth opened and she released it. Tears stung her eyes at how weak he was, how much pain he was in. She offered him another one, and he took it as well. His eyes stayed closed.

She ran her free hand through his hair. "I know this sucks, Derek, but you've barely been out of surgery for half a day. It's supposed to suck right now."

His eyes opened and he offered her a smile. "I'm so glad you're here." His voice was a little less raspy now.

"Me too," she murmured, offering him another ice chip. "Are they helping?"

"Yeah."

"Good." She gave him another, and then popped one in her own mouth.

He smiled at that. "You're a thief. Stealing ice chips from your injured husband."

She surprised herself by laughing. "I thought being married meant what's yours is mine?"

He kept smiling and she even saw his eyes sparkle. "We didn't include that...on the post it."

"We didn't include an 'in sickness and in health' vow either."

"Meredith..."

She leaned down to kiss him again. "Post its are small. We wouldn't have been able to fit everything, but it doesn't matter. Because we don't need it. It's implied."

"I love you."

"I love you too." They had said it more in the last day than they would normally say in a week, or longer. It wasn't something they felt the need to say all the time, because it too was implied. But now they seemed to be saying it every time he was awake. And it helped. The reassurance that they were still them.

He fell back to sleep shortly after. She sat by his bed, holding his hand and crunching on the remaining ice chips for close to an hour.

They were married. And there were a host of things that went along with that that were implied. It meant she had a phone call to make.

Standing, she leaned down to press a kiss to Derek's forehead. "I'll be right back." He barely stirred. She ran her hand through his hair and then left the room.


	4. Chapter 4

No one had questioned her when she sat down at the computer at the nurses' station. She had performed her search quickly, scribbled down the phone number onto a scrap of paper and headed for the locker room for her cell.

She had never thought to ask for Carolyn Shepherd's phone number. Or numbers for any of Derek's family. She had never thought she would need to be calling them. But now her husband was lying in a hospital bed, and he would want his family. He had told her that years earlier. He would want his family.

Her cubby was just how she left it, with the inconspicuous space in the back corner. Her throat tightened as she forced herself not to think about what had previously filled that space. Tears welled in her eyes, but she blinked them back and reached for her cell phone.

It was quiet and void of other people in the room, so she decided it was the best place to make the call. With shaking hands, she entered the number, and then sat onto the bench and hit send.

Ring.

She closed her eyes as the urge to cry came over her again. Not now. She had to be able to make this phone call without crying.

Ring.

This was where she and Derek had gotten married. Derek had been sitting where she sat now. She tried to remind herself of that.

Ring.

She tried not to think of what was lying in the garbage can in the corner.

Ring.

Tears blurred her eyes.

Someone picked up. "Hello?" The voice was female, but not Carolyn.

Meredith opened her mouth, but no sound came out.

"Hello?" The voice on the other end said again.

She swallowed down the lump in her throat. "Can I speak to Carolyn Shepherd, please?" Her voice was shaky, as she was holding back a sob, but it was the best she could do.

The voice on the other end of the phone told her to hold on and Meredith could hear her yell for her mom. That meant the woman on the other end of the phone was Derek's sister.

"Hello?"

This time Meredith recognized the voice and a sob escaped her mouth. She didn't want to do this. Her hands started to shake.

"Hello? Who is this? Are you okay?"

Tears streaked down her face and she nodded before finding words. "Hi," was all she could manage on the first try. She sucked in a deep breath. "It's...Meredith Grey. We met last year and-"

"Of course, Meredith. Is everything okay?"

The concern and worry in Carolyn's voice caused another sob to escape from Meredith's chest. She moved from the bench to the floor, leaning against her lower cubby with her knees tucked up to her chest. "I'm sorry I didn't call sooner, but by the time I thought of it, it was the middle of the night for you."

"Meredith, what's going on? Is Derek okay?"

She closed her eyes and held her breath and counted to five. She needed to stay calm. The Shepherds had gone through this before. They needed her calm. "Derek is going to be fine," she said through clenched teeth.

"What happened?"

"You're not alone, right?" Meredith asked. "Someone is still there with you?"

"Meredith, you're scaring me. What's wrong with Derek?"

"Just...tell me that there's still someone there with you."

"My daughter is here."

"Good. Now I need you to sit down."

"Meredith-"

"No. Derek is going to be fine. And I need you to sit down so I can tell you...what I need to tell you."

There was movement. "I'm sitting down."

Meredith inhaled sharply. She had to do this. "Derek's been...hurt. He had surgery yesterday. But he's going to be fine. I promise that he's going to be fine."

"How bad?" Carolyn asked, her voice now a whisper. Meredith could hear the tears she was holding back.

"He's going to be fine," she repeated. "He's stable. He's been awake several times. He's not in that much pain."

There was a pause. Carolyn was relaying information to her daughter. "What happened?" She finally asked. "Was he in an accident?"

The lump in her throat grew. Carolyn Shepherd didn't deserve this.

No one deserved it.

But Carolyn Shepherd had already lost her husband to a GSW. She didn't deserve to hear she had almost lost her son in the same way.

"Meredith?"

"Oh," she cried before she could help it. "I..." Another sob escaped through her lips. She clamped her mouth shut and swallowed the next sob that was threatening to be released. "I'm sorry," she gasped. "I'm sorry," she repeated, her voice much more under control.

"Are you okay?"

No.

"I'm fine. Derek's going to be okay, so I'm okay." She paused and took a deep breath. "He...was shot," she whispered.

Carolyn gasped. And then Meredith could hear her crying. It made her cry.

"He's fine," she repeated, for both of their sakes. "He's stable. He's conscious. He's going to be fine. I promise."

"How did this happen?" She cried.

"I...don't know." It was the truth. "But I do know that he would want you here; that he wants you here. He told me...three years ago he told that if he was ever in a coma that he'd want his family. And I know that he's not in a coma, but he's...hurt. And he loves his family. And he wants you here."

OO

Meredith continued to sit on the floor of the resident's locker room for twenty minutes, until her tears had dried up again. Her next stop was the bathroom. The bleeding had almost stopped. She then stood in front of the mirror and splashed water on her face. Her eyes were red rimmed and puffy.

She stared at her reflection for a long moment, before shaking her head and leaving the bathroom. She had been gone for too long. Derek could be awake again.

A pair of policemen passed her in the hall, and she averted her gaze, not wanting the reminder. They were everywhere. Investigating. Apparently they needed to know the path Gary Clark had taken through the hospital. Why it mattered when he was dead, Meredith didn't know. But it meant several sections of hallways and several rooms were cordoned off, surrounded by police tape.

Meredith ignored the lines of tape. There was only one place in the hospital where she wanted to be anyway.

The door to Derek's room was closed. She opened it quietly, hoping he hadn't woken while she was gone. And then her heart nearly stopped as her eyes landed on the bed.

The empty bed.

She'd only been gone half an hour. What had happened?

She spun away from the door and rushed down the hallway. There was no one at the nurses' station. Her heart beat frantically in her chest. And then she couldn't breathe. Panic took over. "No, no, no, no, no..."

Footsteps echoed behind her, and she spun around to come face to face with an older nurse, whose name was on the tip of her tongue.

"Derek," she rambled. "Do you know what happened to Derek? Do you know where he is? Is he okay? Please tell me he's okay because I just had to call his mother and promise her he was okay. So, please. Please tell me he's okay. Please."

"He's fine," she said soothingly. "Dr. Altman got back from Seattle Presbyterian earlier than expected, so Dr. Shepherd's tests got bumped up."

Meredith sucked in a breath. "So, he's okay?"

She smiled and laid a hand down on Meredith's shoulder. "Your husband is fine, Dr. Grey."

"Thank you. I...thank you." She turned and hurried to Diagnostic Imaging.

When Meredith reached the CT viewing room, Teddy and Cristina were sitting at the desk, their eyes glued to the screen. Richard stood behind them, watching over their shoulders. None of them looked concerned.

"Oh, Meredith," Richard greeted. "I'm sorry we didn't wait for you to get back. We scheduled him earlier than expected. We'll be done in about ten minutes if you want to wait-"

"Mer, come and sit here," Cristina said, cutting him off and standing.

"Dr. Yang, our policy is not to let family members into the viewing room."

"She was in the OR with us, Dr. Webber," Cristina returned curtly. "I think she can handle watching a scan."

"Dr. Yang is right," Teddy spoke up, nodding to Meredith, who quickly sat. "Dr. Shepherd was her patient, so this is her call."

"Is he okay?"

"Everything looks great. Yang did as good a job as I would have."

Meredith nodded, her eyes flickering between watching the screen and watching her husband through the glass. "Did he wake up at all? He was asleep when I left. I didn't mean to be gone so long."

"He woke up when we moved him to the gurney, but only for a moment. And he was awake a couple minutes ago."

She nodded. "Everything does look good." Cristina's hands fell onto her shoulders, and Meredith smiled. It was a small smile, but it was there. She crossed her arms over her chest and laid her hands on Cristina's. "Really good."

"You sound surprised. Yee of little faith."

This time she laughed. "I have lots of faith. I just...keep expecting something else to go wrong."

Cristina squeezed her shoulders. "Nothing else is going to go wrong. We're all okay now."

Meredith nodded. And the rest of the scan went by in silence.

When it was finished, she was the first one out of the viewing room and into the CT room. The tech was manoeuvring the bed out of the CT. Meredith stayed back and watched as Derek was moved onto the transport gurney. His eyes fluttered open at the movement, and she was right there, reaching for his hand.

"What's the verdict?"

She leaned down and kissed him, ignoring the fact that they had an audience. "Everything looks great."

"Mmm, good," he murmured, meeting her eyes. "Kiss me again."

A single giggle escaped through her lips, and then she did as he asked.

"Okay," Teddy finally said, though she was smiling, "Grey, don't make me regret letting you in here."

Meredith stood upright, still clutching to Derek's hand. "Sorry."

"I'm not," Derek mumbled, before his eyes closed. He slept for the journey back to his ICU room, waking only for a moment as he was transferred back to the hospital bed.

As soon as he was settled and sleeping again, Meredith sat back down in her chair.

"He's going to be tired for a while," Teddy said as Meredith closed her hand around Derek's again. "We'll come back this afternoon and see about getting him to sit up."

"Okay."

"The scans looked great. We also took some blood. We should have the results in a few hours. Do you have any questions for me?"

Teddy was asking because Meredith was no longer in the hospital as a doctor. She was the wife of a patient. That meant she didn't have to know anything. "Long term..."

"From what I saw on the CT, and from how stable he is now, I don't foresee any long term effects."

Meredith released a breath she hadn't realized she was holding. In the hours following the shooting, and following the surgery, she had only been thinking about the now. She hadn't put any thought into the future. "Good."

"But that doesn't mean he doesn't have a long road ahead of him," Teddy continued. "It will be months before he's back to normal, maybe longer before he has his stamina back."

"I know. That's...that's fine. As long as he's going to be okay."

Teddy laid a hand on her shoulder. "I'm glad you two made it through yesterday."

She nodded. "Me too."

"Okay, well, I'm going to round on the remaining cardio patients. You can page me if you have any other questions. Yang, are you coming?"

"I'll catch up with you."

Meredith turned to her best friend and offered her a smile. "She's kind of awesome."

Cristina smiled back and sat beside her. "That's what I've been telling you. If it wasn't for her, there's no way I could have pulled that surgery off by myself."

"I meant...as a person. Her bedside manner..." Meredith shook her head. "She's not like other cardio surgeons. She nothing like Burke or Hahn."

"No, she's not."

Meredith sighed as she turned her attention back to Derek. "He's really going to be okay."

"He is." Cristina paused. "Have you told him about..."

"No."

"Meredith..."

"I can't tell him; not now. I will tell him, but not like this. When he's stronger."

"Have you gotten yourself checked out yet? Was that where you were this morning?"

"No. I was calling his mother this morning."

"You called his mother?"

"I'm his wife. It's my job."

"Right. But seriously, Meredith, you need to get checked out. I can make an appointment for you. Hell, I'll do it myself if you want, but you need to get checked out."

"Not now."

"Meredith-"

"No."

"Meredith, you could... You need to make sure everything is okay."

"Everything is not okay, okay? My husband almost died. You almost died. I almost died. And I lost..." She sniffed. "Everything is not okay. And I need to focus on the fact that Derek is alive. I don't need another reminder of what I lost."

"But, Meredith..."

"I said no."

Cristina huffed. "Fine."

They sat in silence for several minutes before Cristina reached to squeeze her hand. "I'm going to go catch up with Teddy."

"Okay."

Derek continued to sleep through Cristina's departure. He looked peaceful. Meredith smiled, grateful he wasn't in pain. "Your family is coming," she murmured. "You'd be very proud of me for calling them if you were awake."

The only response she received was the sound of his even breathing. But that was okay.


	5. Chapter 5

_**AN: I don't think I've ever updated twice in one day before, at least not for the same story, but I have the day off of work, so I put it to good use. I want to thank everyone for the awesome feedback I've been getting. Unfortunately, my computer is not cooperating enough for me to be replying to reviews right now. I know the pace of this fic is slow, but I don't want to rush anything. As much as I want Meredith to tell Derek everything, he needs time to recover first. I don't know if any of you have been the family member of the person who has heart surgery, but I have. And the first few days are slow. A lot of sitting and waiting. But Meredith's making good use of the time. As you've probably figured out by now, the title of the fic is not directed to Derek only.**_

_**Thanks for reading!**_

_**OO**_

Meredith had laid her head down on the bed beside her husband and allowed herself to close her eyes. She wasn't sleeping – she _couldn't_ sleep – but the sound of the door flinging open behind her still caused her to jump upright.

"I just heard."

Mark.

She watched him worriedly make his way around the bed, his eyes focusing on everything but his best friend. "He's okay."

"How the hell did this happen?" Mark demanded. "Hospitals are supposed to be safe places."

"Mark, you have to calm down." She didn't want Derek waking up to this.

"I'm not going to calm down. I just got back from Seattle Pres, only to be told that my best friend, my _brother_, got gunned down on the fucking catwalk!"

Meredith couldn't help it; she started to cry. She clutched to Derek's hand with one of hers, and covered her mouth with the other. It had been about twenty-four hours since the shooting, and the images of watching her husband, the love of her life, get shot and lie bleeding on the ground were still fresh in her mind.

Mark released a long breath and his shoulders sagged. "Big Grey..." He sighed. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay," she mumbled as she wiped at the tears on her face.

He shook his head and moved to her side of the bed. "It's not. I didn't mean to... It's just...he's my brother."

She nodded. "And he's my husband."

"Is it true...? Webber said you watched it happen."

She nodded as a new wave of tears sprang to her eyes. "I can't get it out of my head."

"Meredith," he said, uncharacteristically using her first name. "Come here." He held his arm open to her.

She shook her head, but he wouldn't take no for an answer. He grasped onto her arm and pulled her out of the chair and into a hug. She tried to resist at first, but her tears wouldn't stop falling. And then it was just easier to hug him back. They had both almost lost someone they loved. It was comforting.

"I'm sorry you had to see that," Mark told her. "I was there...with Derek and Amy, when their dad was shot. It's not something you even get out of your head."

She sniffed and tightened her fists around the fabric of his top, grateful that he wasn't going to pretend everything was okay. "Thank you."

He hugged her a little tighter. "Thank you for saving him."

"That's not... If he had died, I would have died."

"Then it's a good thing he lived." He released her, and Meredith sat back down, surprised that she felt a little better. She motioned to the chair on the other side of the bed, and Mark sat in it.

"He's really okay?"

She nodded. "His scans were good this morning. They should have his blood work back by now. I'm sure they would have told me if there were any problems."

"Has he woken up yet?"

"A few times. Starting last night. He's...he's doing amazingly well, considering."

"I'll be out of here in no time," Derek whispered.

Meredith smiled as she turned her head to him. "How long have you been awake?"

He sighed. "Not long."

"Mark's here."

"Hey, man, sorry it took me so long. I just heard. I was helping with the overflow at Seattle Pres."

"'s okay. Mer's good company."

Meredith laughed. "Better company than you."

Derek's brow furrowed. "How do you figure?"

She stood and leaned over to kiss him. "You're awake for like a minute every few hours."

He smiled. "I'm working on that."

"Are you in pain?" Mark asked.

"Not much. I'm on too many meds to be in much pain."

"Do you need... Can I do something?"

Meredith glanced at Mark and was surprised to see tears in the plastic surgeon's eyes.

Derek rolled his head to face his best friend. "Can you call mom?"

"Of course." Mark stood. "I'll go do it right now."

"I already called her," Meredith said quickly.

Derek rolled his head back to face her. "You called my mom?"

"I'm sorry...if that was bad. But I thought, you know, I'm your wife, so it's my job. I called her this morning. She's on her way."

He squeezed her hand. "It's okay, just..."

"Surprising?" She offered him a smile. "Because it's me?"

He smiled back. "A little."

"She's your family. It was important. And if yesterday taught me anything it's that my stupid family issues don't matter."

"They're not stupid." He sighed and his eyes closed for a moment. "She's on her way?"

Meredith nodded. "Yeah, she and, uh, Kathleen and Jenna are on their way. She called and left a message on my cell with her flight information. I wrote it down somewhere." She spotted the scrap of paper on the table by Derek's head. "Here." She passed it to Mark. "I'm sure they'd appreciate it if you pick them up at the airport."

"Absolutely." He took the paper. "They land in a few hours."

"Good," Derek murmured, his eyes closed. "That's good." And then he was asleep again.

Meredith smiled at Mark's worried expression. "This is sort of...normal. He's staying awake for longer, but he's still really tired."

He nodded. "Do you mind if I stay here for a while?"

She shook her head. "Actually, that would be good. I...haven't had a chance to shower or anything since yesterday."

He nodded. "Go. I won't leave until you come back."

"Thank you." She stood, knowing Mark wouldn't leave him alone. She brushed her hand across Derek's forehead. "I'll be back soon."

Instead of heading back to the locker room, she turned in the opposite direction and headed for a wing of the hospital she rarely visited. Cristina's words from earlier had been running through her head for several hours. And as much as she wanted to avoid what she knew she had to do, she couldn't wait any longer. She wasn't about to risk her own health, for Derek's sake.

The OB ward was quiet when she arrived, not that that was unexpected. Labouring moms probably wanted to stay far away from this hospital right now. She passed a nurse, and offered her a smile and a nod, acting like everything was okay, even though there was a lump in her throat that wouldn't go away.

She caught sight of a white coating crossing the hallway up ahead, and followed the doctor into the floor lounge.

"Dr. Lane?" Meredith spoke up as she entered the lounge, which was, thankfully, empty besides herself and the OB she had worked with a few times. Dr. Lane was soft spoken and friendly; a perfect match for her profession.

"Dr. Grey," she greeted with a smile. "How are you doing? I heard about your husband. I'm very sorry."

"Thank you," she said quietly.

Dr. Lane's brow furrowed. "Is everything alright? Is there something you need?"

"Actually, I was hoping you could...do an exam."

The older woman scoffed. "They have you working today?"

Meredith shook her head. "No. I...I need an exam. And I don't have a lot of time. I need to get back to Derek."

She cocked her head. "Are you...?"

Meredith felt her eyes fill with tears. "No," she murmured. "Not anymore."

"Come with me," Dr. Lane said quietly, leading Meredith to an exam room and having her change into a gown.

The tears wouldn't stop falling as she lay on the exam table.

"How far along were you?" Dr. Lane asked quietly.

Meredith shook her head. "I don't know," she whispered. "I...I only found out yesterday morning."

"Are you sure that you-"

"I'm sure." Meredith cut her off. "I...I'm sure." She sniffed. "I just need to make sure everything is...okay. Because I can't be sick right now. Derek needs me to not be sick."

"Okay." She nodded. "Are you still bleeding?"

"On and off, but not much."

"That's normal. You'll probably be spotting for about a week."

Meredith nodded absently as Dr. Lane began her exam. She closed her eyes and wished herself anywhere else. Yesterday morning she had been so happy; she would never have expected to end up where she was barely a day later.

OO

An hour later, Meredith stumbled back into Derek's hospital room. Mark looked up from the far side of the bed, and must have noticed her red eyes, but said nothing about it.

"He's been asleep the whole time," he offered.

"Good. I'm sorry I took so long." After her exam, she had taken a shower. She had stood under the spray of the water and cried for a good fifteen minutes. And then she had forced herself to get it together, finish the shower, get dressed and get back to her husband.

"It's no problem. You're going to need some time to yourself."

She nodded and collapsed onto her chair, reaching for Derek's hand.

"Are you okay over there, Big Grey?"

"I'm fine."

"I don't believe you."

She glared at him.

He raised an eyebrow. "I still don't believe you." He shrugged, "But I get it."

"Fine; I'm not okay. But I will be."

"Good." And with that he stood. "I'm going to go check on a few patients, and then go to the airport."

"Okay. Thanks."

He offered her a smile and left the room.

Meredith sighed when she was left alone with Derek. He still looked so peaceful.

"I'm so sorry," she whispered. "I...wanted the baby. So much. So freaking much." The exam had been short. A complete miscarriage, Dr. Lane had said. She should expect spotting, and maybe some cramping, for the next week. Her hormones would calm down. These things happen. It wasn't her fault. She could try again in a month or two.

Meredith wasn't sure how she felt about that.

She ran her fingers through his hair as she tried to imagine what their children would look like. She had known she wanted his kids for some time now, but she hadn't known just how much until now.

"I'm sorry," she repeated, clutching onto his right hand with her left and laying her head down beside it, pillowed by her right hand. "I'm so sorry."


	6. Chapter 6

_**AN: I'm still having trouble keeping my computer connected to the internet long enough to respond to the amazing feedback I've been getting. Thank you so much to everyone who is supporting this fic. I just wanted to address a few comments/questions here...**_

_**The way I see it, there were no news vans or reporters in the background (that I can remember), so I am making the arbitrary (and okay, probably incorrect) decision that they kept the shooting quiet enough that it wouldn't reach the East coast before night. Three hour time difference, remember. That, and the Shepherd's don't on the TV or radio in the morning...just go with it. I wanted Meredith to have to make the call. Also, the news got to Amelia in LA. That will be explained.**_

_**The miscarriage, of course, will come up. Soon; their time. Maybe not as soon as everyone (including me) wants our time. I'm trying to update every day, and Meredith won't wait long. But she also isn't about to tell him a day or two after the shooting. He's already in pain. He's drugged. He's exhausted. And Meredith wants to protect him.**_

_**And lastly, thank you for the comments and concerns. My family member, my dad, is doing very well considering two major, life saving surgeries in the past few years. I've spent a lot of time in hospitals, and a lot of time watching the recovery process. It sucks and it's slow, but in the end, it's worth it. And it's the support of family and friends that make it possible.**_

_**Thanks for reading!**_

Carolyn Shepherd was tense as she followed her daughters through the Seattle Airport. She had checked her cell phone when the plane landed, but there were no new messages from her daughter-in-law. She hoped that meant everything was still okay. She _prayed_ that meant everything was okay.

The plane ride had been long. She had spent it wedged between her daughters, praying her son would not succumb to the same fate as her husband.

"Are you okay, mom?"

She nodded. "Yes. I'm just anxious to see your brother."

Kathleen reached for her mother's hand as they followed the crowd. "Me too."

"He's going to be fine," Jenna said.

Carolyn smiled at this. Jenna was an optimist, like her brother.

The three Shepherd women reached the end of the secure area, and were half way across the crowd of waiting family members when she felt someone grasp onto her elbow. She stopped and turned, only to come face to face with her surrogate son.

"Mark," she cried, pulling him into a hug.

He hugged her back. "Derek's doing great," he whispered immediately.

"He's going to be okay?"

Mark released her and offered her a smile. "He is."

"Good. I was so scared." She said, as she watched Mark greet Jenna and Kathleen.

"How did you know we'd be here?" Jenna asked.

"Meredith. She sent me to pick you up. Do you have any bags to pick up?"

Carolyn shook her head. "We packed light."

"Okay, then lets go."

The drive to the hospital was quiet and terse. No one wanted to say anything. When they arrived, Carolyn was surprised to see several police cars parked around the hospital. She said nothing, but grew more confused as she followed Mark towards the front doors.

A security guard was standing behind the double doors, a clipboard in hand. He stepped up to stop them as they entered the hospital.

Mark pulled out his hospital ID before any words were exchanged. "Mark Sloan, head of plastic surgery. I'm escorting three guests to see Dr. Shepherd."

The guard scribbled this down on his clipboard, and then glanced back up at them. "Security policy dictates a maximum of two guests per patient. One of you will have to wait outside."

"Absolutely not," Mark cut him off.

"Sir, its policy right now."

Mark stepped forward angrily. "These are family members of the Chief of Surgery. No one is staying outside." He turned and motioned for Carolyn, Jenna and Kathleen to follow him. "You can send a real cop after us if you want, but we're all going together."

"Mark, what's going on? Was...was the shooting here?"

He glanced at her as he led them to the elevators. "You didn't know?"

"No."

He sighed and slammed his hand against the call button. "I guess it only hit the national news today."

"What the hell happened?" Kathleen asked.

"Psychopath wanted revenge for his wife dying. Took out everyone who got in his way."

"My God..."

"So, Derek wasn't the only one who..." Jenna trailed off.

Mark shook his head. "No. There's...eleven dead, last I heard. Another dozen injured."

"How does that happen? In a hospital? Where were the police?"

"Hospital policy dictated a lockdown. They sent a SWAT team in, but it took a long time to clear the hospital. People died while we waited for help."

"But they got Derek out in time."

"Not out. They got him to surgery."

"With a shooter on the loose?"

"It was his only chance. Hell, I turned a conference room into a trauma room. I had to put a chest tube in without any anaesthesia and use a coat rack as an IV pole."

"Unbelievable."

"What is taking the elevator so long?"

"Only one is running. The other is a crime scene," Mark explained. "We found a resident on there with a bullet in his chest."

"Did he...make it?"

"He did." He shook his head, "But not by much. He's at Seattle Presbyterian in the ICU. He hasn't woken up yet." He sighed heavily. "Don't tell Meredith. He's one of her friends. We haven't told her yet."

The remaining elevator finally arrived on the main floor. They herded on and waited in silence as it ascended. Carolyn felt her daughter reach to squeeze her hand. She squeezed it back. They came to a stop at the ICU floor, and Mark led them out of the elevator and down the hall. He paused as they neared a closed door.

"He...looks bad," he warned. "He's still very pale and weak. And he's hooked up to a dozen monitors. But he really is doing well. Just...don't overreact."

"Mark, we've all worked in the medical field. We know what to expect."

"I know, but it's different when it's your own family." He paused. "This isn't like when he crashed his motorcycle."

Kathleen reached for her mother's hand again. "We're okay, Mark."

He nodded and turned to open the door.

Despite Mark's warning, she still found that her breath caught in her throat and her hand came to her chest in shock. Her son, who was the spiting image of her late husband, was lying in a hospital bed. There were tubes and wires attaching him to monitors. He was pale and looked sick.

He was still, his eyes shut.

His wife, whom Carolyn had regrettably only met once, was in the chair next to his bed, bent over and asleep with her head on the bed.

"Oh, Derek..." She whispered. Tears stung her eyes. Her daughters both gasped beside her. She slowly walked up to the far side of the hospital bed and hesitated before stroking her hand across her son's forehead. He didn't stir.

"Altman was on her way in to have him sit up when I left to pick you up. He'll probably be asleep for a while."

"Altman?" Jenna questioned.

"She's our head of cardio."

"Did she operate?"

"No, uh, from what I hear Cristina Yang, one of our residents, performed the surgery."

"A resident?"

"Yeah, as I said before, it was a bad situation. She was the only one available."

"Tell me she's at least a senior resident."

"Fourth year. Just. But she's good."

Carolyn shook her head as she half listened to her daughters question Mark about the surgery. She knew they were only trying to get information, but she wished they wouldn't. Right now all she wanted was for her son to be okay. She tuned out the conversation as her eyes shifted from her son's blank face to the girl asleep at his side.

She had been pleasantly surprised the year before when she had flown to Seattle to see Derek in his new life. It wasn't that she hadn't liked Addison; she had just never thought the woman was right for her son. But Meredith was different. She didn't see things in black and white; that was obvious. And she loved him; that was even more obvious. She would support him and she would let him be him. But she would challenge him too.

And now the girl that she felt was perfectly suited for her son had almost experienced exactly what Carolyn herself had experienced thirty years ago. She didn't wish that pain and that loss on anyone.

She looked uncomfortable, folded over, her head resting on the mattress. Her left hand was clutching Derek's right hand in front of her, blocking her face from Carolyn's view.

"Why do these things happen?" She whispered. "We're good people. We don't deserve this."

Jenna stepped up beside her. "God, he looks so pale."

Kathleen stood on her other side, once again reaching for her hand. She said nothing.

No one attempted to address Carolyn's question. Probably because everyone was thinking the same thing in their heads.

"I take it that's Meredith?" Jenna said after a long moment of silence as the three Shepherd women took in the sight of the family's only surviving man.

Carolyn nodded. "That's Meredith." She shook her head. "The poor girl. No one deserves to go through this."

Mark pushed a chair up behind her. "Here; sit down."

"Thank you, Mark."

He laid a hand on her shoulder. "He's going to be fine. He's completely lucid when he's awake."

"That's good."

"How often is he awake?" Jenna asked.

"Every few hours, I think. I've only spoken to him once. I was at Seattle Pres all night. I...I didn't know until I got back this morning."

Derek shifted slightly and groaned, drawing their attentions to him. His face scrunched up in pain, and then he went still again.

Mark sighed. "I'll go get him something for the pain."

Carolyn nodded as she felt tears well in her eyes.

Mark came back a few minutes later and injected something into Derek's IV, and then excused himself. Jenna and Kathleen sat together on the couch across the room.

And they waited.

It was an hour before the silence was broken, not by Derek, but Meredith. She inhaled sharply, and then released what sounded like a sob. "No...no...no...no..." She mumbled. "Please...no..."

It shook Carolyn out of the trance she had been sitting in, but before she could begin to react, Derek shifted. His eyes fluttered open and his head rolled to the right.

"Please..." Meredith cried again, still asleep.

Derek winced, and then lifted his hand out of Meredith's, brushing it against the side of her head. "Mer..." He whispered. "Meredith," he said, a little louder. His hand landed on her shoulder, and she startled awake.

"Derek!" She gasped, sitting up, her eyes focusing on him.

He blinked. "You okay?"

Carolyn watched as the girl who had stolen her son's heart forced a brave smile to her face. "I'm fine; just a stupid dream." She was trembling, but kept the smile pasted to her face. "How are you?" Her eyes shifted, and she did a double take, her gaze falling on Carolyn. "Oh."

Derek rolled his head, following her gaze. "Mom." He blinked, and then said quickly, "I'm okay."

She shook her head at him. "Derek Christopher Shepherd, you are not okay. Don't even try and lie to me."

"I... I'll be okay." He whispered, a wheeze sounding from his lungs. "It's not...as bad...as it looks."

"I think it's exactly as bad as it looks. But you're right about one thing. You _will_ be okay." She stood and leaned over to kiss his forehead. Jenna and Kathleen were right behind her, wanting to greet their brother.

Carolyn moved to the other side of the bed.

Meredith stood up, her eyes red rimmed and exhausted. She looked uncertain, still surprised as their presence.

"We're all going to be okay," Carolyn stated, pulling her daughter-in-law into a tight hug. "We're going to be okay."


	7. Chapter 7

Meredith hadn't planned on falling asleep when she had laid her head down on the mattress. After watching Derek struggle to sit up, as per Altman's instructions, she had held his hand and stroked his hair as the pain slowly receded from his eyes and he fell back to sleep. She hadn't cried until he was asleep, but she had cried a lot once she started. She didn't want to see him in pain.

Exhaustion had been pulling at her body, clinging to every cell. She had laid her head down and closed her eyes, just wanting some rest. She hadn't planned on sleeping.

But she had fallen asleep. And the nightmare that had resulted was almost identical to the actual happenings from the OR the day before; except this time Avery hadn't unplugged the leads and Derek had actually died.

Meredith never wanted to sleep again.

The appearance of Derek's family in the hospital room had taken her by surprise. She had expected to be awake and coherent when they arrived. She hadn't expected to be waking up from a nightmare, unable to get the images of Derek flat lining out of her head as she attempted to greet his mother and meet two of his sisters. She couldn't imagine what they were thinking of her right now, but it didn't matter. Two days before, if she had met his family, she would have freaked out. But now it just didn't matter. She loved Derek and they loved Derek. That meant she could sit by his bedside while they sat across from her.

Carolyn had hugged her. She had greeted Derek, and then she had hugged her, right after. And then Kathleen and Jenna had hugged her, before they even exchanged names. Because they all loved Derek.

And now the four of them were sitting in silence, staring at Derek. His other two sisters would be there the next day. Nancy had flown to LA to get Amelia. They hadn't wanted her travelling alone after she got the news; not after the experience she had shared with Derek when they were just kids.

Meredith still sat in her chair, her knees hugged up to her chest, held by one arm. Her free hand still held Derek's. And her chin rested on her left knee, her eyes glued on his face. She was avoiding; just a bit. She had called his family. She wanted them to be here. But she didn't know what to do now. Part of her resented them for being here, even if she knew it was irrational. She wanted to be able to sit beside her husband and wallow. She wanted to be able to cry. But there were three other women in the room now, all of whom had tears in their eyes, and none of whom Meredith knew much about.

She sighed and closed her eyes for a long moment. Her body was exhausted. The trauma and the stress and the...miscarriage were taking their toll on her.

The door opened behind her, and she turned her head to see one of the floor nurses – Kelly – step into the room. "I'm just here to check on his vitals." She quietly moved to the monitors and checked Derek's leads. "Everything looks good."

Meredith nodded, and then felt a hand on her shoulder. "How are you doing, Dr. Grey? Can I get you anything?"

She offered the older woman a smile and shook her head. She had always liked Kelly, and could remember thinking how good she was with the patients and their families. "I'm fine, thanks, Kelly."

She smiled and nodded, before looking up. "Does anyone else need anything?"

Kathleen stood. "Can you tell me where I can get some water?"

"Sure; come with me."

The room fell silent as Kelly and Kathleen left.

Meredith met Carolyn's gaze. She offered her a small smile, and Carolyn smiled back. She could do this. "I'm sorry he hasn't been awake more." After greeting his family, Derek had fallen back to sleep pretty quickly. "Dr. Altman had him sit up before you got here. It..." She blinked hard at the memory of the pain written across his face. "It was hard on him. I think it wore him out."

"What's he on for the pain?" Jenna asked. She was either a paediatrician or a paediatric surgeon; Meredith couldn't remember which.

"Not enough. Altman brought up a morphine drip, but he refused. We're going to try again tonight." She paused. "It's hard enough getting him to take an aspirin when he has a headache."

Carolyn smiled at this. "He can be very stubborn."

She nodded. "He can."

Kathleen returned with a tray of cups. "The nurses' station is around the corner. She said we can help ourselves."

Meredith watched Kathleen pass her mother and sister a cup, and was surprised when she held one out to her. "Oh...thank you."

Kathleen then placed another cup down on the table beside Derek's head. "Ice chips; for when he wakes up again. Kelly said he was off fluids until tomorrow."

Meredith nodded. "Altman said he should be okay with some water tomorrow. He had some ice chips earlier and seemed okay with them." She took a sip of the water Kathleen had given her, and was surprised to find herself so thirsty. She had downed half the cup before she realized.

"Meredith, when was the last time you had something to eat?" Carolyn asked.

She opened her mouth, and then closed it. She couldn't remember. She had forgone breakfast the previous morning, because her breakfast hadn't stayed down all week. And then the lockdown started... "I had some water this morning," she responded.

"This morning? It's eight at night."

"I..." She stammered. The day had gotten away from her. She had lost track of time, and she silently chastised herself for not thinking of herself at all. Dr. Lane had told her she needed to keep hydrated. Derek needed her to not get sick.

"And what about food?" Carolyn continued. "Have you eaten at all?"

Meredith flinched. Carolyn was doing the mother thing; she recognized that. But she wasn't used to it. "Uh...not today," she whispered. "I...can't eat. I don't think I can keep anything down right now."

Instead of the lecture Meredith half expected, Carolyn nodded in understanding. "It'll get better."

Close to an hour went by before the relatively comfortable silence was broken by the door opening. "Shepherd family, I presume?" Teddy's voice asked.

Meredith craned her neck to spot Teddy and Cristina entering the room.

Carolyn, Kathleen and Jenna stood and introduced themselves.

"This is my best surgical resident, Dr. Cristina Yang," Teddy introduced. "She performed the surgery yesterday."

Cristina stepped forward and ran them through the procedure – minus the whole crazy man with the gun demanding they stop operating part.

"We ran scans this morning," Teddy continued when Cristina was finished. "The CT and X-ray were clear. Blood work is unremarkable. And he's been perfectly stable since the surgery." She smiled. "He's doing well. Do you have any questions?"

The Shepherds asked several questions. Meredith listened silently. She decided Jenna must be a paediatric surgeon because she had a good grasp on surgical techniques.

"How long was he down?" She asked, referring to the terrifying moment at the end of surgery when Derek's heart had stopped beating.

Cristina offered a smile, that Meredith knew was fake, and shook her head. "Not long at all. We got him back quickly, and there were no problems after that."

Meredith felt her eyes sting. It may have only lasted a minute, but it felt like an hour. She could remember thinking he couldn't die now. Not now. Not after everything. Not after getting this far. She had held her hands over the open hole in his chest. She had offered herself up as an eye for an eye to save him. She had stood in front of a loaded gun. She had watched him _die_. And she had lost his child. He _couldn't_ die now.

When he had come back, when his heart had started beating again, the relief she felt was stronger than any before it.

"After the stress and trauma he underwent, it's not uncommon," Teddy added. She turned to Meredith. "Grey, you have any questions?"

Meredith shook her head.

She nodded and stepped closer to her. "The police want to ask you some questions. We've kept them away from you today, but you'll need to give a statement tomorrow."

Meredith nodded absently. The last thing she wanted to do was recap the previous day.

"And they'll be needing a statement from Derek when he's ready to give one."

"Everyone has to give them," Cristina added.

Teddy nodded. "That's why we're here so late. But I still do want to get him sitting up one more time. And maybe we can all work together to convince him to accept some morphine. Grey, you want to wake him up?"

She nodded and squeezed his hand. "Derek."

He didn't stir.

Meredith stood and leaned over him, running her hand through his hair, and then cupping his face. "Derek, you need to wake up."

His eyes opened. "Mer..." He whispered, smiling.

She smiled back.

He shifted and winced, but kept smiling at her.

"Teddy's here."

His eyes flickered away from her, towards the people standing at the base of his bed. "Ah, the slave driver."

Meredith giggled.

Teddy smiled as she moved to the other side of the bed. "Just getting you back, Chief. Are you ready to sit up again?"

"If I said no, would it stop you?"

She shook her head.

Meredith stepped back and watched as Teddy manoeuvred the bed so that Derek was sitting up. She had him lean forward and cough. Derek's hands clutched to the bed rails to the point where his knuckles were white. He was in pain. Cristina stepped up beside her and threw her arm around her for support, but Meredith couldn't look away.

"Good," Teddy finally said, lowering the bed back down so that Derek's head was only slightly elevated. "Now; the morphine."

Derek shook his head, his eyes closed in pain.

"Come on, Derek," Kathleen prompted. "You know recovery rates are faster with better pain management."

"I don't...need it," he breathed.

"Yes, you do," Meredith murmured, stepping up to the bed. She ran her hand through his hair again, until he opened his eyes. "You do," she insisted. "Just for a couple days."

"Meredith-"

"No. I'm not taking no for an answer."

His eyes closed as he mumbled, "bossy."

She almost laughed.

"Okay," he conceded, "Just for a few days."

"Great; I'll go tell the nurses."

Meredith smiled down at Derek until he opened his eyes again. "Thank you," she whispered.

He reached his hand up to grasp onto hers; he was getting stronger. "Thank _you_."

She blinked back tears. "I love you."

"I love you too."

And then, despite the fact that his family was probably watching, she ducked her head and kissed him. Quick. Like a habit. Like something they were going to get a chance to do every day for the rest of their lives.


	8. Chapter 8

The darkness outside the window was starting to lift, announcing the beginning of a new day.

Day two.

Mark had returned to the hospital room late the night before, citing apologies. He had been pulled to Seattle Presbyterian for a few hours to help with the overflow. Seattle Grace was still closed to trauma and new admissions, and half of the patients wanted out. Seattle Pres was swamped. And, from what she heard, a makeshift ward had been set up in a section of the former Mercy West.

The city was hurting. But Meredith couldn't quite bring herself to think about it. The outside world seemed so unreal right now. The only world the existed with any kind of permanence in her head was the room she was in.

She had left a few times overnight, to use the bathroom or to get some more water from the nurses' station. She was taking care of herself; was thinking about her own needs a little more. Hunger still eluded her, though. A general sense of nausea swelled within her at the thought of food.

Mark had convinced Carolyn, Jenna and Kathleen to get some sleep in an on call room down the hall. He had tried to convince Meredith too, but had understood when she had shaken her head and told him she would stay with Derek.

She hadn't slept.

The nightmares came with sleep, so her mind wouldn't let her body sleep.

Minutes and hours had ticked by until a whole night had passed. She watched the sky brighten through the window, as streaks of orange and red began to appear.

She wouldn't be alone with her husband for much longer. His mother and sisters would be up soon. And then his other two sisters would be arriving that afternoon. She felt like she should do something or say something now, while she had the chance.

Derek was sleeping peacefully; had been all night. The morphine had helped the night before. His expression had relaxed immensely, and then he had gone back to sleep. She had held his hand all night.

The numbness was starting to lift from her mind. She was still sad. Devastated. But the urge to cry all the time was going away as her hormones began to regulate themselves.

The door opened, and one set of footsteps echoed through the room as Jenna made her way to the free chair on Derek's far side. "Morning," she whispered.

"Morning," Meredith responded. "Did you get any sleep?"

"Not much. You?"

Meredith shrugged, letting that be her answer.

"Was he up overnight?"

She shook her head. "Not once. The drugs are helping."

"Mom and Kat are still asleep," Jenna offered. "But I can sit with him if you need a break."

"I'm fine."

Jenna offered her a soft smile. "We all need a break at some time, Meredith. No one's going to think any less of you, especially him." She motioned to Derek.

The words were quiet and neutral. There was no pressure to them. She wasn't trying to get rid of Meredith; she was just being thoughtful. "I don't...really want a break. I don't even know what I'd do."

She nodded in understanding. "Why don't you go have a shower? Change your clothes. It'll make you feel better. Trust me; I deal with parents of sick kids every day. Sometimes you have to force the parents to take a break; to take care of themselves."

Meredith didn't want to leave, but the thought of having a shower was actually appealing. And she had been wearing the same scrubs since she had changed after Derek's surgery. "I...okay."

The hallway outside the hospital room was just as alien as it had been every time she had stepped foot in it during the past day and a half. She made her way to the locker room on autopilot. It was empty. She wondered vaguely if the garbage had been taken out yet, but didn't want to look to find out.

After pulling a towel, shampoo and conditioner from her cubby, she stepped into the women's shower and spent a good ten minutes standing under the spray before she finally reached for the soap.

The hot water helped to wake her up; to make her feel a little less exhausted. She dried off and pulled on fresh scrubs, as she didn't have any other clothes with her than the jeans and top she had come in wearing three days before. And she wasn't about to leave the hospital to drive home to get anything; not now. Not yet.

The locker room was still empty, so she sat on the bench where she and Derek had gotten married and closed her eyes. So much had changed. To her and Derek. To her friends. To her hospital. She used to love it here. Now, she wasn't so sure. Now, she didn't know if she could still be in this hospital as a doctor.

Two residents in her year were dead. At least. She hadn't heard the final tally or list of names of those who had fallen. Partly because she had been too focussed on Derek to think about it, and partly because she didn't want to know. At least two cubbies would be emptied out; their belongings put in boxes and sent to family members. She looked across the room to Percy's cubby, and then turned her head to look at Reed's. It had been George's cubby before being hers. Strange.

She shook her head and stood.

Jenna was still alone with Derek when Meredith peeked into the hospital room. She continued down the hall to the nurses' station and made two cups of instant coffee. It wasn't nearly as good as the coffee at the cart by the front doors, but it would do.

She didn't want to go anywhere near the front doors. Or the front lobby. She didn't want to be anywhere near the catwalk.

Jenna looked up as Meredith pushed open the door of Derek's hospital room.

"I got us some coffee," Meredith explained, offering Jenna a cup. "I wasn't sure how you take it, but since you're a surgeon, I thought black was a good guess."

Jenna smiled. "Thanks. You feel better?"

Meredith hesitated, and then nodded. "Yeah, I do. Thanks."

"That's what sisters are for."

The term took Meredith by surprise, but Jenna didn't seem to expect a response, so it was okay when she stammered silently for several moments.

With a deep breath, Meredith returned to her chair.

They sat together in silence for an hour. The sun was starting to rise now.

Another floor nurse, Melissa, came in the check Derek's vitals. She smiled and offered optimistic words of encouragement.

Carolyn and Kathleen arrived shortly after, both looking tired and dishevelled. Neither were used to sleeping in on call rooms. After assuring themselves Derek was fine, they sat together on the couch.

Meredith hesitated, before standing. "Do you want some coffee?"

They both agreed and told her how they took it.

The hallway wasn't quite so alien anymore as she made her way to the nurses' station and back with four coffees and a cup of ice chips. She dispersed the coffees, and set the ice chips down on the table beside the bed for when Derek woke up. It made her feel a little better to be able to help; even if that only meant getting coffee for Derek's family.

No one said much, but that was okay. It seemed kind of normal. There wasn't anything that needed to be said.

Around eight, the door opened, and Cristina stepped in. "Dr. Altman is at Seattle Presbyterian, checking on A-" Cristina cut herself off, before finishing with, "patient. She's checking on a patient. She'll be here in a few hours, but she wanted me to check on Derek and see if you have any questions this morning."

Meredith frowned at Cristina's behaviour. She was tense; more so than usual.

"I don't think we have any further questions, dear," Carolyn said. "You and Dr. Altman did a great job answering them all yesterday."

Cristina nodded, her eyes taking in the monitors displaying Derek's vitals. She made some notes in his chart and then turned to Meredith. "You okay?"

Meredith nodded.

"Good, because I need you to come with me."

"Why."

"To do the thing you refused to do yesterday."

"What th-" Meredith cut herself off as she realized what Cristina was talking about.

Cristina glanced at the three Shepherd women, before crouching down and lowering her voice to a whisper. "I know you don't want to. I get that. But you have to, Meredith."

"Cristina..."

"No. Meredith, it's been a day and a half. And I've been up for the whole time. And you're one more thing I _don't_ need to worry about right now."

"I did it yesterday," Meredith admitted, her eyes flicking to Derek as she tried not to think about it.

"I don't believe you."

"I did."

"The least you can do is look me in the eyes when you lie to me."

Meredith turned her head back to face Cristina, tearing her eyes from Derek's form. Cristina's face was blurry through her tears. "I did the thing. I promise."

Cristina stared at her for a long moment, as if trying to decide if she believed her. Eventually she nodded. "And?"

Meredith sighed. "And nothing. It's done."

Taking her by surprise, Cristina hugged her. "Thank you for doing the thing."

Meredith had nothing to say, but hugged her back.

"And I'm sorry," Cristina whispered, so that no one else in the room could hear.

The tears that had welled in her eyes now streaked down her face when Cristina released her.

"Are you okay?" Meredith asked, swiping at her tears.

"I'm fine."

"Owen?"

"Fine."

"Then why are you...like this?"

Cristina sighed and seemed to contemplate something for a moment. Then she shook her head. "It's nothing. I'm just tired."

Meredith didn't believe her, but it was Cristina. She wouldn't admit anything if she didn't want to. And the only way Meredith could make her would be to follow her around and be annoyingly persistent. And that wasn't going to work right now. She needed to stay where she was. "Okay."

They exchanged a look. Meredith knew _it_ wasn't nothing. And they both knew it. But they would let it go for now. It was what they did.

Cristina left quickly, and Carolyn shot Meredith a questioning look.

"Is everything okay?"

"Its fine," Meredith snapped. She turned her attention to Derek, and then sighed and glanced back at Carolyn. "I'm sorry." She took a deep breath and fought off the urge to cry again. "It's nothing important. It's just...a thing."

Carolyn nodded slowly. "Okay. But if there's something important that you need to do..."

"There isn't," she assured. "I...did the thing she wanted me to do. It's...done. And there's nothing left to...do." She stammered as she realized how little she was making sense. She was also making Derek's family think she was crazy. "Dr. Yang...Cristina. Cristina is my best friend," she explained. "She just needed me to do something for her. I know it doesn't sound like it makes sense..."

"Trust me," Derek's voice whispered, surprising them all, "Very little those two say to each other makes sense."

"Hey," Meredith greeted, reaching for his hand.

"Is it morning?"

She nodded. "It's Friday morning."

His eyes closed for a moment, and then he reached his free hand towards the bedrail to his left. "Can you...put the bed up...please..."

Jenna reached for the control. "How far?"

"Not...all the way, but...up."

"Very decisive, little brother," Kathleen said.

Derek blinked at her. "'s not my fault. I'm at a disadvantage...with the G...SW and the...morphine."

At this moment, Meredith was grateful for the morphine. Derek wasn't suffering. He seemed content. And he wasn't pushing to know what 'the thing' was. With any luck he would quickly forget about the thing; she wasn't about to tell him when he was fighting narcotics in order to think straight.

"'s enough," he murmured when he was sitting relatively upright. He coughed twice, and winced, but the pain wasn't written across his face like the day before. His eyes closed and his breathing deepened.

"He's asleep," Meredith said after a moment. She smiled and squeezed his hand.

It was half an hour before his hand stirred. His fingers tightened around hers, and she looked up to see him smiling at her. "Morning again."

His brow furrowed. "How long?"

"Half an hour."

"I feel better."

"Good."

He made a face as he licked his lips and swallowed. Meredith reached for the cup by his bedside without needing him to ask. His eyes followed the movement, and he lifted his hand to take the cup.

"You good?" She asked, as she passed it to him.

His fingers tightened around the cup as he nodded. "I think so."

She smiled as he very carefully raised the cup to his mouth and poured a few ice chips into his mouth. His eyes closed as he let them melt. "Do I get water today?"

"Probably. Altman is at Seattle Pres. You're first on her list when she gets back."

"Seattle Pres?"

"Helping with the overflow. We're still closed to trauma and new admissions."

He nodded absently as he processed her words, the morphine slowing him down. "Hmm," he eventually mumbled as a response, before raising the cup to his lips again.

The door opened and Melissa stepped into the room. "Dr. Altman should be here in an hour," she announced. "She wanted me to let you know."

"Thank you," Carolyn said.

Melissa smiled. "How are you feeling, Dr. Shepherd?"

"Foggy," he replied. "I think it's the morphine."

"How's your pain."

He sighed. "Better."

"That's good. Hopefully you'll just need the morphine for a few days."

He nodded. "At least I'm not like Meredith was."

Meredith rolled her eyes. "I wasn't that bad."

Derek rolled his head towards her. "Do you have any memory of that day?"

"I...no, not really."

His lips curled up into a smirk. "Maybe that's a good thing."

Meredith smiled back at him and squeezed his hand. "If I said anything that bad, I don't want to know."

Melissa smiled at the exchange. "Dr. Grey, the police wanted to know if you were free for some questions?"

"Now?"

Melissa nodded.

"No."

"When can I tell them is a good time?"

Meredith shook her head. "Not now."

"I'm sorry to push, Dr. Grey, but they're everywhere. And they need to talk to everyone. They keep asking about you. If I could give them a time..."

She nodded. "Tell them tomorrow." _And then tomorrow tell them the same thing,_ she thought.

"I...I'll try."

"Thank you."

"You can go now if you want," Carolyn spoke up. "We'll keep him company."

She shook her head. "The last thing I want is to recant everything that happened that day. Especially when there's no point."

"No point?" Derek asked.

She nodded. "He's dead."

Derek seemed to consider this. "The police?"

"No," she said quietly. "He, uh, he shot himself."

The hand that was holding the ice chips fell to rest on the mattress, cradling the cup against his hip. The mention of the police seemed to have jump started Derek's interest in the full events of that day. "Was it...after he shot me?"

Meredith closed her eyes, knowing what he was asking. He wanted to know if he had been the only target. "No," she whispered.

"How many?"

She hesitated. "Derek..."

His eyes became glassy as he stared at her. "How many?"

"Eleven," she whispered in response. It was the last number she had heard.

His eyes closed.

She squeezed his hand. "Derek, you listen to me; this was not your fault. Okay? This was not your fault. What that man did was his fault alone. His wife was already gone when you did the consult. There was nothing you, or anyone, could have done."

He nodded absently. "Who?"

"I...I don't know."

"Meredith."

She shook her head. "Really. I don't know. I...I haven't asked. I...didn't want to know."

His eyes closed again. "Eleven people..."

Tears welled in her eyes as she watched him in pain. A type of pain that morphine couldn't help. Eleven people had died on his watch; that was what he would think.

"Derek?" She murmured.

He opened his eyes and passed her the cup from his left hand. "I'm tired."

She took the cup from him and watched helplessly as he closed his eyes.

"This wasn't your fault."

"I know," he responded, but she didn't believe him. And from his tone, she was pretty sure he didn't believe himself.


	9. Chapter 9

Derek slept for several hours after hearing how many members of the hospital staff had lost their lives. He slept through Teddy's visit. He slept through several nurses' checks. It wasn't until early afternoon that he opened his eyes again. Some of the emotional pain had faded from his eyes, and Meredith was grateful.

He blinked twice, and then offered her a throaty, "Hey."

"Hey," she practically breathed back at him. "Your family just went to the cafeteria for something to eat."

He nodded.

"Do you need anything? Teddy said you could have some water."

"Water...would be good."

"Okay." She stood and leaned over to peck his lips. "Don't go anywhere."

That brought a smile to his face. "Try and stop me," he mumbled.

Meredith was smiling as she headed for the nurses' station and filled two cups with water. She added lids and straws, and then made her way back to Derek's room. Being away from him wasn't as challenging as before. The outside world was still there in the back of her mind now, even if she wasn't too keen on venturing into it.

When she returned to his room, she offered Derek one of the cups. "Slow sips," she reminded him.

He made a face.

"Sorry. I know this is like, a man thing, or whatever, but I'm a doctor, and I'm your wife. And I love you. So I get to remind you of stupid things you already know."

His face morphed into a smile. "Okay."

"And I know it feels stupid to have the cup with the lid and the straw like you're a child, but the water is cold, and if you spill one drop, it's going to make you flinch and then...well, then you're _really_ going to flinch. So it's kind of necessary right now. And to make you feel less stupid, I made mine match." She held up her own cup to emphasize.

He kept smiling, holding his cup out as far as he could. "Cheers."

Meredith snorted and leaned forward to knock her cup against his. "Cheers," she echoed.

Derek took a long sip, and Meredith had to fight the urge to remind him to take short sips. He coughed, and then winced. "Don't say it."

"I won't."

He rested the cup at his side, held upright by his hand. His eyes closed for a long moment.

Meredith bit down on her lip as she stared at him. He was exhausted. "You're doing awesome," she told him. "I know you're tired and in pain, but you're doing awesome."

"It doesn't feel like awesome," he responded flatly, his upbeat mood from just moments before gone.

"Well, it is. Awesome. Even Teddy said so."

He stayed silent, but she knew he was awake.

"I love you."

His eyes didn't open, but his expression softened ever so slightly. "I love you too."

She reached for his free hand and squeezed it.

After several minutes of silence, he spoke again, "Eleven people."

"I know."

"He shot and killed eleven people."

"I know."

Derek opened his eyes, and it broke Meredith's heart to see the tears in them. "Eleven families lost a member."

She sighed, before saying again, "I know." He didn't want her to tell him it was okay; because it wasn't. He didn't want her to tell him not to think about it. He _needed_ to talk about it; even if there wasn't anything to say.

"Why did this happen?"

She shook her head. "I don't know."

"Eleven people."

A sob broke through her lips.

His eyes shifted to her.

"I'm okay," she said quickly, defensively. Too defensively.

"Mer..." He squeezed her hand this time.

"It's just... Derek do you have any idea how close that was to being twelve people?"

He stared at her for a long moment, his eyes filling with tears. "Meredith," he finally breathed, "I'm so sorry."

Tears were now streaking down her face, but she didn't care. "No." She put her cup down on the table and reached to take his from him. Then she very carefully sat on the bed so she was facing him. "You don't get to be sorry. You didn't do anything wrong. And you know that. So you don't get to apologize for a psychopath bringing a gun to this hospital. And you don't get to apologize for getting shot. And you don't get to apologize for almost dying."

He carefully lifted his hand to her cheek. "Do I get to apologize for making you cry?"

She inhaled and shook her head, her hand closing over his, pressing his palm into her cheek. "No. I...I'm allowed to cry. I have to cry right now. You're my husband, Derek. And you almost died. You almost _died_. But you didn't. You're alive. You're here, and you're alive and...and I love you."

"I love you so much, Meredith," he whispered, tears now on his cheeks.

"Just...please, don't ever do that again. You're not allowed to die, okay?"

"A hundred and ten," he murmured. "That's my goal."

"Good." She leaned forward and kissed him. And for a moment they could both forget.

She offered him a wobbly smile when she pulled back. "You need to shave soon."

He brushed his free hand over his face. "You're right."

She smiled. "We're going to be okay."

He nodded. "I believe you."

His hand grew heavy in hers, and Meredith moved it from her cheek to her knee. "I've never been so scared before."

"Me neither. I...I didn't want to leave you behind."

"You didn't."

"No, I didn't."

She doubted he knew just how close he had come to dying. She hadn't told him about what had happened in the OR yet.

She hadn't told him a lot of things yet.

The one she wanted to tell him the most was on the tip of her tongue. She needed to tell him. But his eyes were shining with love and hope right now, and not sorrow or defeat like earlier, and she didn't want to destroy that. She couldn't destroy that. There would be plenty of time for him to be unhappy later. Right now her husband was happy, and she wanted to keep it that way for as long as possible.

Meredith brushed her hand across his cheek and through his hair, before reaching for his cup of water and passing it back to him. She didn't move as he took a sip.

"You're hovering," he finally commented.

She nodded.

"I seem to remember you didn't like the hovering."

"That's because I didn't understand the hovering. I didn't understand what you went through that day." There was no need to apologize to him now. They had discussed the events of that day in full. There had been tears and apologies. And then they had put it past them. "It made me feel...suffocated. Because I didn't get it. And it made me feel pressured. And it made me want to pull away.

"But now I get it. And you get it, because you did it. And you know the hovering is for me, and not for you. So, you have to put up with it. You're not allowed to pull away, because the post it says no running. And that was your stipulation. So you have to put up with the hovering."

"I like that the rambling has come back."

She smiled. "Shut up."

He stared at her, his eyes flicking from hers to her lips and then back. "Kiss me again."

She did as requested.

When she pulled back, he squeezed her knee. "I get the hovering."

"Thank you."

He sighed. "I don't want the job anymore."

"What job?"

"Chief. I don't want it. I've hated it since day one. I became a doctor to save lives, not to do paperwork."

"Okay."

"I've hated it every day. I miss cutting."

"Then we'll get you better and you can go back to cutting."

He offered her a tired smile. "You're not set on being married to the Chief?"

She smiled back and kissed him again. "I'm set on being married to _you_. For a very, very long time."

"Good. Cause I'm kind of set on being married to you for a very long time."

"Until you're one hundred and ten."

He smiled. "One hundred and ten." He inhaled, and then exhaled tiredly.

Meredith ran her hang through his hair, before cupping his cheek. "I'll let you sleep."

"No; just...another minute." His energy level was draining fast, but his eyes still sparkled as they met hers.

"I'm not going anywhere," she whispered.

His right hand tightened on her knee again, and his left reached up to rest at the base of her neck, despite how much energy it took. "I still want to hold you."

"Me too," she murmured. It would be so easy to just curl up beside him. All she would have to was lean forward and swing her legs around and onto the bed. She could rest his head on his chest and snake her arm across his chest. Swing her leg over his. It was a move so familiar to her; to them. She would crawl into bed beside him and collapse onto him. His arms would snake around her middle, pulling her close. So easy.

But they couldn't do that now. Any pressure on his upper body would hurt him. Any extra movement would hurt him. His sternum had been cracked open. He could barely sit upright. He needed to heal.

"Soon," he murmured back.

She nodded. "Soon."

His eyes closed, and she reached forward to run her fingers through his hair.

"Sleep, Derek," she murmured.

His eye lids, already heavy, fluttered open.

She offered him a smile. "I'm okay. You sleep."

"Kiss me...one more time," he requested.

Meredith did as requested.

He smiled at her through tired eyes after she pulled away. The he blinked once. Twice. Three times. And he was asleep.

She stayed where she was for several minutes, half-sitting on the side of his bed, watching him breath. She got it now; the watching thing. The breathing thing. He had watched her breathe at night after her near drowning. He hadn't actually told her that at the time, but she had known anyway. She hadn't particularly liked it, but there had been something about the look in his eyes that had always stopped her from saying anything. Now she was glad she hadn't said anything to him.

Because she understood it now, just like she now understood the hovering thing.

It was comforting to watch him breathe. His chest rose and fell rhythmically, a continuous reminder that he was alive.

"I'm sorry I didn't get it," she murmured, rubbing a hand over his shoulder. God, how she wanted to curl up beside him and sleep. Instead, she shifted off of the bed and onto her chair, settling in for a wait. It was early afternoon now. Amelia and Nancy weren't due for another couple hours. Mark was picking them up.

She had never been quite so thankful for her husband's best friend before. She knew the shooting had affected him, but he was still working, where many of the hospital staff were refusing or unable to come in to work. And on top of that, he was checking in on Derek several times a day and keeping an eye on his family. Meredith doubted she could deal with the Shepherds alone. They seemed like amazing people, just like Derek, but she didn't know them. And she wasn't good with people.

The door opened twenty minutes later, as the Shepherds returned from lunch.

"How's he doing?" Kathleen asked, as she took a turn sitting in the chair across from Meredith.

"Good; I think. He was awake for a bit. Drank some water. It seemed to help."

"That's good."

"Was he still upset about...the fatalities?"

She shrugged. "He's Derek. He's always going to be upset." She sighed. "He was better about it; like he knows it's not his fault, but wants to blame himself anyway."

"Sounds like Derek," Jenna commented as she sat on the couch.

"Meredith," Carolyn said, suddenly standing beside her.

Meredith jumped slightly in surprise and spun her head to face the older woman.

Carolyn held out a bottle of orange juice and a small plastic container of salad. "Drink," she said, pressing the bottle into Meredith's hands. "And eat," she continued, dropping the salad onto her lap and holding out a fork to her.

"I..."

"I'm not taking no for an answer, Meredith. We've been here for a day, I haven't seen you sleep or rest, and all I've seen you have it water and coffee. I understand that you want to stay by his side, and I appreciate it, but you have to take care of yourself, or we're going to end up with both of you in a hospital bed."

Meredith nodded, blinking away the tears in her eyes. "Okay." She took the offered fork.

Carolyn smiled. "Good."

"I..." Meredith stammered as Carolyn turned to sit on the couch with Jenna. "Thank you."

Carolyn smiled at her. "You're welcome. You take care of Derek; we'll take care of you."

They shared a meaningful look, and then Meredith's breath caught and she had to look away. Because Carolyn had gone through what Meredith had, only _her_ husband hadn't made it. She had never had the opportunity to sit in the ICU and hold her husband's hand. She had never had the chance to kiss him one last time, or tell him how much she loved him. She had never gotten to see his eyes light up at her presence again.

For the first time since this began, Meredith felt lucky. Because her husband had lived.

The first sip of orange juice went down painfully with the lump in her throat. The second sip wasn't much better, but by the third, she was better able to force the sudden swell of emotions back. She twisted the cap back onto the bottle tightly and set it onto the small stand by the bed.

The salad didn't appeal to her. She still didn't want to eat, but she knew she had to. The leaves of lightly dressed lettuce had no taste as she took her first bite, chewed and swallowed. Still no taste on the second bite. But maybe it was a good thing. The general nausea she had been feeling for the past two days at the very thought of food was gone.

She reached the half way point before she stopped and set the salad down on the table. "I'll eat it," she said, as she caught Carolyn's gaze. "I just need...a break."

She nodded in understanding. "It's a start."

Meredith nodded.

Silence fell for about fifteen minutes; but it was comfortable.

Jenna finally spoke up. "It's a nice hospital. I mean, besides the cops and the police tape and the...events of this week, it's nice."

"Yeah, it's..." Meredith trailed off for a moment. It _was_ a nice hospital. She used to love it here. Now; she wasn't so sure. "Nice," she finished weakly.

"You're in your fourth year of residency?" Jenna asked.

Meredith inhaled slowly and nodded, not completely certain where this was going. She didn't like personal questions from people whose opinions could matter to her. It had never ended well before. Her mother. Her father. Susan.

"That's nice. You must finally be getting some sleep. I remember my first few years. They were hell."

That made her smile and relax just a bit. Her mother would never have admitted weakness from her residency. "Yeah; the extra sleep is nice."

"I'm telling you," Kathleen spoke up. "All three of you chose the wrong profession," she said, motioning to Meredith, Jenna and Derek.

Jenna smirked at her sister. "I'd sleep _through_ my work if I had to do what you do, Kat."

Kathleen smirked right back. "At least you'd sleep."

Jenna ignored this and turned her attention back to Meredith. "What are you specializing in?"

"General. I think. I'm...almost sure."

"It's a tough choice. That's why I went into peds. I get to do everything."

"I never really thought of it that way."

"So, fourth year... Are you applying for Chief Resident for next year?"

This caused Meredith to stop and think. It was a valid question. But she hadn't even thought about it; not recently. Back when she was an intern, she had been determined to fight for every advantage. But as time went by, she had begun to feel more at home in the OR and less competitive about every little thing. Plus, Cristina would kill her. "I...guess. Things have been so hectic lately. I haven't had a chance to think about it."

"Where did you go to school?" Kathleen asked.

Meredith turned her head to meet her gaze, suddenly a little unsure.

Kathleen offered her a warm smile. "We're not trying to interrogate you. Derek's just very secretive about you. But you've been married for, what, over a year now? We just want to know things."

Meredith nodded. "Dartmouth." This wasn't so bad. She believed Kathleen. They just wanted to know things. That was okay. Derek had told her what his sisters did and where they had gone to school. It was only fair they know those things about her.

"For med school or college?"

"Both."

"That's cool. What made you move across the country for your residency?"

She hesitated, before answering honestly, "My mother. She was...sick. It was the best place for her to be."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that."

"It's okay. She was diagnosed with Alzheimer's before I went to med school. By the time I was finished...well, she wasn't _there_ very often. She spent most of her life in Seattle, so I thought it would be better for her."

Kathleen nodded. "That's good of you."

Meredith made a non-committable shrug. "I guess."

"How is she doing now?"

"Kat," Carolyn said softly before Meredith had a chance to say anything. She shook her head meaningfully when Kathleen looked her way.

Meredith almost smiled at the interaction. "No, it's okay," she said softly, as Kathleen turned back to her. "She died a couple years ago."

"I'm sorry."

"Thank you. But it's okay. She didn't want to live that way."

"And...your dad?"

Meredith sighed. She had opened herself up to this by letting the conversation continue. And Derek was still asleep, not able to come to her defence. "He's...not around."

The Shepherd's accepted this. There was no pushing for more details.

"I'm curious, Meredith," Carolyn spoke up, "Derek said something earlier about you and morphine?"

"Uh, yeah." She ran a hand across her face. "I got my appendix out a couple years ago. I had to wait a few hours for an OR to clear up and they gave me morphine for the pain." She made a face. "Apparently I was, uh, somewhat uninhibited?" She shook her head. "They must have given me too much, or something. I still can't remember much of anything."

Carolyn laughed for the first time since she had arrived the day before. "That must have been embarrassing afterwards."

She smiled and nodded. "I'm sure there are still people I talked to that I don't remember. And may never know about."

"Maybe that's a good thing."

Meredith nodded. "I think so."

It was actually kind of okay to be sitting with Derek's family, talking about herself. It was a comfortable moment.

A moment that was broken all too soon.

A heavy knock sounded at the door, and then it opened before they could respond.

A hard faced man in a police uniform stepped into the room. "I'm looking for Dr. Meredith Grey?"

Meredith didn't have to introduce herself. Jenna, Kathleen and Carolyn all glanced towards her and back to the cop, whose eyes then landed on Meredith. "Dr. Grey?" He asked in a gruff voice, though it wasn't really a question.

"Yes."

"I need you to come with me and answer some questions."

She shook her head. "I told the floor nurse to tell you tomorrow."

"You did," he agreed, "But we're on a timeline. And we need your statement. Now."

"I..." She stammered for a moment, caught off guard by his demanding demeanour. Just because he dealt with this kind of thing all the time didn't mean she did. "I can't. Not today."

"It won't take long." He held the door open.

Meredith shook her head. "No. This is the ICU. You're not even supposed to be here."

"I can't question him," he threw an annoyed head tilt towards Derek, "in the ICU. But I need a statement from you now."

Derek was stirring from the commotion. Meredith turned her attention from the pushy cop to reach for Derek's hand.

"'s going on?" He mumbled.

"Nothing," Meredith soothed, "It'll be quiet again in a moment."

He breathed in as his eyes opened, his eyes falling on the cop standing behind her.

Meredith turned her head back towards the cop. "My husband is trying to recover from a GSW to the chest and an extensive surgery. Please leave us alone, or I'll call security."

He exhaled in annoyance and impatience. "We _are_ security."

She seethed. "Yeah, well, maybe if you'd showed up sooner on Wednesday I'd be a little more apt to answer your questions now."

"Officer, I think its best you leave this room," Carolyn spoke up.

He ignored her. "Dr. Grey, it is imperative we have your statement as soon as possible. It's already been two days."

"Why is it even necessary?" Jenna asked. "Isn't the shooter dead?"

"It's necessary," he said shortly, not offering an explanation as he turned back to Meredith, "And my understanding is that you witnessed the shooting of Dr. Shepherd and Dr. Hunt, so it's imperative we get your statement as soon as possible."

He continued on about how he had been told her husband was stable, and that his family was here, so she could come with him, but Meredith didn't hear it.

Derek had sucked in a breath at his words. _Witnessed. Shooting. Shepherd._ Meredith spun to face him, her eyes filling with tears at his expression.

His eyes locked on hers. "You saw..." He whispered. Tears formed in his eyes. He knew what she had been through. He had watched a loved one suffer on the wrong end of a gun.

"Derek..."

He sucked in a shuddery breath, and then cringed noticeably at the pain that flared through his chest at the movement.

Meredith turned her head to the cop for a moment as she hissed, "Get out." She went to move towards her now suffering husband, but the cop hooked his hand under her elbow, stopping her.

"Dr. Grey, this is very important."

She spun around the face him, wrenched her arm away from him and her hands shoved violently at his chest without thought. "Get out!"

He stumbled back a step, surprised at the strength she had mustered. Her yell must have alerted the inhabitants of the hallway, as a very angry Teddy Altman stormed into the room.

"You were told specifically to stay out of this room," she demanded.

But Meredith barely heard any of it. Derek had lost what little colour he had gained in the past day. His eyes were dark and cloudy.

"Derek," she murmured, reaching for his hand.

"You...saw..." He mumbled.

She bit her lip and nodded, tears welling in her eyes. "Yes."

"You shouldn't have had to see that," he breathed. His voice was thick and raspy.

Meredith bent down to kiss him. "No, I shouldn't have. But I did. And that was not your fault."

"I'm sorry."

"I'm not," she said bravely, blinking back any future tears. "If I hadn't seen it, then I wouldn't have known you were there, and then..." She trailed off, not needing to complete the thought. If she hadn't witnessed the shooting, Derek would have died on the catwalk. He would have bled out alone with no one there to help him.

His eyes closed heavily and she reached to stroke his hair. "I love you."

He squeezed her hand. "I love you so much."


	10. Chapter 10

_**AN: My laptop, which has gone everywhere with me for three years, and has accepted every word I've typed, is at the end of its lifetime. It's freezing and closing programs and overheating too quickly. And it only charges now when it's upside down. (don't ask...lol). I've ordered a new one, which I'm very excited about. But it's also a little bitter sweet. The new one should be here early to mid next week. And then my writing should get back on track. I was lucky to be able to type at all today. So, thank you for your patience in my unexpected delay, and please offer just a bit more until I get my shiny new laptop and can start writing regularly again.**_

_**And thanks, as always, for reading!**_

_**OO**_

They were staring. She could feel their eyes on her. She could also feel their hesitation. They wanted to talk. They wanted to ask her questions. They were concerned.

Meredith could feel it.

But she didn't want to talk.

So she was doing what she had once done best. She was avoiding. She was clutching onto Derek's hand, her eyes trained on his sleeping face only. He had fallen asleep shortly after the police office had barged in, and she was thankful for his escape. She didn't dare glance in the direction of his mother or either of his sisters. They would want her to talk about it.

Meredith didn't want to talk about it.

She didn't want to talk about what she had seen two days before. She didn't want to talk about it with anyone.

She didn't want to talk about the fear she had felt – no, the terror – when she had spotted Derek on the catwalk with a gun being pointed at him. And then the slight relief she had felt when the gun had gone down, which was quickly replaced by terror and agony when the shooter had raised his arm and fired before Derek could react. Her body had physically reacted to the sight of Derek's body being impacted by the bullet and then falling to the ground.

She had screamed as Cristina forcibly dragged her back to the closet, and when her best friend had refused to let her out, Meredith had reacted on instinct. She had _needed _to get to her husband; regardless of the possible consequences to herself.

She didn't want to talk about the fear and pain she had seen in his eyes when she had knelt beside him. She didn't want to talk about the feeling of his blood – still warm – soaking into her clothes. She didn't want to talk about the size of the hole in his chest, and that she had barely been able to slow the bleeding down, let alone stop it.

Meredith didn't want to talk about that day with anyone. Derek's family. The police. A counsellor; in the mandatory psych meetings she had heard whispers of.

Life had thrown crap at her before. She had watched her mother slit her wrists as a child. She had been abandoned by her father, more than once, and she had been neglected by her mother. She had been left by the man she loved. She had watched people she loved die. She had experienced death herself. And yet, all of that paled in comparison to the events of two days prior. She would rather talk about any of her past than talk about watching her husband suffer; watching his life threatened.

He didn't deserve this. _They_ didn't deserve this.

She squeezed his hand and closed her eyes, trying to calm her emotions. A sob escaped her body before she could stop it, breaking the silence the room had been living in for the past twenty minutes. She snapped her jaw shut and held her breath. Her chest contracted as it struggled against her, but she continued to hold her breath. She counted to ten.

Her breath only hitched once when she finally released it.

She couldn't cry now. Tonight, when Derek's family had gone away to sleep again, she could cry. But not now. Not when they were watching. Judging. Wanting her to talk.

A single tear streaked down her face. She sniffed and swiped at it with her free hand, hoping no one would notice.

There was a sigh, and then someone stood. Footsteps echoed through the room. Someone was moving towards her.

Meredith held her breath.

A hand fell onto her back, between her shoulder blades.

"I'm so sorry, Meredith," a voice whispered.

Jenna.

Meredith nodded, and then cleared her throat. "Thank you." Her voice was thick and raspy, exposing her need to cry.

Jenna's hand found her forearm, and tugged gently, pulling Meredith to face her. When Meredith finally allowed the movement, the first thing she saw were the tears running down Jenna's face. It made her feel less judged.

"I..." She began.

Jenna shook her head, but kept pulling on Meredith's arm until she stood. And the second Meredith was on her feet, she hugged her.

Her first instinct was to pull away, but Jenna held on tight. And then the need to get away morphed into something else entirely. Comfort. She felt comfort. Her arms closed around Jenna's frame, and she hugged her back, tears now streaming freely down her face.

"I'm sorry," she mumbled. "I can't... This is..." She trailed off as the lump in her throat grew too big for her to speak.

"What are you apologizing for?" Jenna asked. "This isn't your fault. And the last thing we need is you blaming yourself like Derek. He's got enough self blame to go around already."

Meredith couldn't help but laugh at this. "True."

Jenna laughed as well as she released Meredith. "When Nancy gets here, we'll get her to call her husband – he's a lawyer – and then we're going to sue the ass off of that bastard of a cop. That is, if Dr. Altman doesn't kill him first. She looked like she was going to kill him, and she dragged him out of here with one hand."

Meredith smiled through her tears. "She was a trauma surgeon in Iraq for a few years. She can hold her own."

"That man had no right to barge in here like that," Carolyn spoke up.

Kathleen nodded her agreement, and then hesitated before asking, "Is it true?"

Meredith met her gaze, and then looked away before nodding.

Kathleen shook her head. "God, I'm so sorry, Meredith."

And that was it. No one asked her to recant the events. No one asked for details. Where many would demand details, the Shepherds wanted to be there for her, but weren't asking anything of her she wasn't comfortable with.

Maybe it was because they had been through this before. Maybe they had learned what not to do with Derek and Amelia.

They knew what Meredith had witnessed would be seared into her brain forever. She would live with the memory. Forever. The last thing she wanted to do was talk about it.

Derek had told her once; about his dad. The gory details; not just the facts.

They had lost a patient in the ER. GSW to the chest. Just like Derek two days before. His son had been there. Just like Derek thirty years ago. The father hadn't made it to surgery.

And in the security and darkness of their bedroom, late that night after they had made love, he had told her about the day his dad died. He had told her about the gun and the shot and the blood. He had told her about the look in his father's eyes. And the way his small hands hadn't been able to stop the bleeding. He had told her about how brave his sister had been. Amelia had been very young, but she had helped her brother try to save their father.

He had told her about the moment his father had died. He had told her about the helplessness and the grief. The way he had blamed himself. The destruction it had caused to his family. To his sister. To him.

They had only ever talked about it in any sort of detail the one time, and she suspected it would be the only time. She knew now it was an experience you only shared with the people – or maybe only person – closest to you, and only so they could know you better.

She already dreaded the conversation she would have to have with Derek one day. The one where she would have to tell him everything. What she saw. What she did. What she felt.

She already didn't want to tell him, but she needed to. He was her husband; the man she was going to spend the rest of her life with.

He was the person who knew her, and loved her, better than anyone else.

Jenna returned to her seat, and Meredith did the same. She sat down and slid her chair as close to the bed as she could before reaching for Derek's hand with both of hers. A light stream of tears continued to fall, but she made no attempt to stop them. Apparently, it was okay to cry in front of the Shepherds.

They weren't judging her.

She squeezed Derek's hand, hoping he was having a good dream and wishing she could join him. Exhaustion was buzzing through her body now. Her little outburst with the police officer had nearly put her over the edge. Maybe she would try sleeping again tonight. She didn't want to, but she may have to. Either that, or start to mainline caffeine.

The thought almost made her smile. Cristina would like it. And speaking of caffeine...

"I'm going to get some coffee," she found herself mumbling as she dropped Derek's hand and stood. "Does anyone want some?"

They declined, Meredith headed towards the nurses' station alone.

The air felt different outside of Derek's hospital room, but she couldn't decide if she could breathe better on one side or the other. The hall offered her a moment of peace from the constant reminder of what had happened to her life in the past two days. But on the other side was Derek; the reason she _could_ breathe.

She made it halfway to the nurses' station from the hospital room when she felt eyes on her. She looked up and then changed courses without thinking about it. The cop who had barged into Derek's room and made Derek's face fall faster than his body had fallen when he was shot was standing off to her left, watching her. His expression was one of irritation and superiority.

It made her seethe.

The life she had so painstakingly built for herself had been attacked. Her husband had almost died; her husband had almost been _murdered_. In front of her. She had lost the baby she had only known about for a few short hours; the baby she had loved for every minute she had known about. The baby her husband still didn't know about. The sadness she had spent the past two days wallowing in was quickly turning into anger now that she had someone to focus it on. And the amused, almost eager, expression on the cop's face only served to fuel her onwards.

"Dr. Grey? Gracing me with your presence already?"

"What the hell is your problem?" She hissed as she closed the gap between them.

"Meredith!" Cristina's voice sounded as she hurried up behind Meredith. She grabbed onto Meredith's shoulders, trying to stop her.

Meredith shrugged away and stopped square on her own, just a few feet short of the cop.

"Are you ready to answer my questions now?"

She shook her head. "I am not answering _your_ questions. Ever. And I want you to stay the hell away from me and my husband and our family."

"I'm just doing my job."

"Well, you're a horrible cop. And a horrible person."

His amused demeanour cracked just a bit at her words. "Excuse me-"

"I'm talking now," she cut him off. "My husband has been through a trauma. How dare you barge into his room and add to that trauma. Eleven members of this hospital staff – _his_ hospital staff – died. _He_ almost died. And _you_ have the audacity to show up _now_ and demand answers to questions that don't even matter when the shooter is dead?"

"I'm just doing my job." He said dryly.

"I thought your job was to save people?" Cristina cut in.

"We do-"

"No, _we_ do." Meredith cut him off. "_We_ save lives. And when we can't, we move on to save the next life. How many lives are in danger because you people are wasting your time pretending to care about us?"

"Is something wrong?" An authoritative female voice thrust itself into the conversation.

Meredith glanced away from the male cop to see a female cop approaching quickly. She was medium height and stocky, with her dark hair pulled back into a tight bun. Her expression was one of concern for the escalating situation.

"I'm officer Neade," she introduced. "Is there something I can do to help you?" She sent a warning glance to the other cop, who only appeared more irritated by her presence.

"No," Meredith said shortly. "We're just about done here."

"Dr. Grey is refusing to answer some questions," was his response.

Officer Neade tried to say something, but Meredith was already on top of the comment. "No, I'm refusing to answer your questions, especially after you barged into my husband's room and harassed him and his family. They've been through this before, all because you people took too long to respond to a robbery. And his father paid the price." She took a breath. "So, you stay the hell away from us."

OOO

After exhausting herself further by taking her anger out on the cop, who, if she was honest with herself, did deserve it, Meredith didn't have the strength to fight as Cristina dragged her into an on call room. She crawled across the single bed to her right and sat numbly against the wall.

Cristina hesitated before sitting beside her. "I thought you were going to go all cage fighter on that cop."

Meredith almost smiled. "He deserved it."

"Was it true...what you said about Derek's dad?"

She sighed. "Don't say anything. He doesn't want anyone to know."

"What are the odds..." Cristina muttered. "Father and son."

"Cristina."

"Sorry," she said quickly. "That was...unnecessary. I'm just exhausted."

"Me too." Meredith allowed her body to sway to her left as she rested her head on Cristina's shoulder.

"When was the last time you slept?"

"I don't even know anymore," Meredith said honestly. "I just...can't."

"I get that." Cristina gave in too and leaned her head against Meredith's. "We were lucky, you know? I mean, we're all alive. Our...family. We're not all okay, but we're all alive." She paused. "Percy was hiding in a bathroom and got shot for admitting he was a surgeon. And Dr. Branger was shot trying to protect his staff. And they both died."

Meredith sighed. "We were lucky. Carolyn's been looking at me...I don't know, strangely, since she got here. And then it hit me. Her husband got shot too, only he didn't make it. Derek's in pain. He's weak and broken and has a long recovery ahead of him. But he's _alive_. I can hold his hand and kiss him and tell him I love him. She never got that chance." She lifted her head off of Cristina's shoulder to shake it. "I can't even imagine. If he had died... I don't know how I'd be breathing right now."

"He didn't die," Cristina stated, meeting her eyes. "He's going to get better. And then you two are going to go live in your house in the woods and have lots of chatty children with perfect hair."

Tears welled in her eyes. Cristina was trying to help, she knew. But Cristina didn't get it. Cristina didn't want kids. She didn't know the ache Meredith felt in her chest at the thought of having a baby with the love of her life. And she definitely didn't understand the devastation Meredith felt now.

"Hey, it happens, okay?" Cristina continued. "You two will have your perfect kids. And I will be a kick ass god mother."

This brought a sad smile to Meredith's mouth. "I wish you still were."

Cristina sighed. "Me too."

"I still haven't told him. I know I have to. But I don't know how. Or when. I don't want to wait forever. But...his family is here. And he's in pain. And he's drugged. He's not using the morphine as much as he should be, but still...his eyes. He's drugged. I don't want to tell him when he's drugged. But I don't want to hurt him any more than he already is."

Cristina said nothing, but continued to meet her gaze evenly, giving Meredith the opportunity to speak.

"I don't know if it's a good think I didn't tell him before. Part of me thinks it's good because that's one of the first things he would have asked about when he woke up. But the other part of me... He would have been so happy. _We_ would have been so happy. It would have been a good moment. A perfect moment. He deserved the chance to be as happy as I was; even if just for a moment. Hell, I could have told him before his surgery. Maybe it would have taken away some of his pain."

"You were there," Cristina said quietly. "That took away his pain."

"I wish that whole day had never happened."

"Me too."

Meredith squeezed her eyes shut and shuddered. "You know what I keep thinking about? He put us in that closet. And I didn't say a word. He's my husband and he put us in that closest and said there was a shooter and that it wasn't safe. And I _let_ him. I didn't say a word to him. Why didn't I say something? Why didn't I make him stay with us? Then maybe none of this would have happened. He'd be fine. And we'd still be having a baby."

"Or Clark could have found the three of us in the closet and killed us all. He was determined to find Derek. At least the way it happened Derek came out alive. There might not have been a 'Derek didn't get shot' possibility."

Meredith fell silent.

"How are you...feeling?" Cristina asked gently.

"Numb." Meredith responded, knowing what Cristina was asking about without any clarification. "The cramping and the bleeding have almost stopped. Soon it will be like it never happened."

Cristina was silent for a long moment before she spoke again. "You were willing to die for him."

She nodded. "I saw him with the gun, and I heard what he said, and I... I _had_ to save him. I love him, Cristina. I couldn't just let him die."

"Have you told him?"

"Not yet. Right now he needs to think the surgery was routine, other than the fact that two residents performed it alone."

"One resident. Avery barely did a thing."

Meredith giggled. "He saved Derek's life."

"_I _saved Derek's life."

"He unhooked the leads."

Cristina glared at her. "_I_ took a bullet out of his chest and repaired his aorta."

Meredith leaned her head against Cristina's shoulder again. "Thank you for saving my guy."

"We've done this already."

"I know, but I feel like it deserves another thank you."

"You can repay me with surgeries."

"I'll keep that in mind." Meredith fell silent, and then huffed at herself and lifted her head again. "Okay, I'm being totally self-absorbed and you're letting me. How are you? How's Owen?"

"Owen's fine. Still working. It's all I can do to get him to sit down and let me check his wound, which looks awesome, by the way. You did a good job. Maybe too good. He thinks he's fine. I guess he thought he was done getting shot at."

"And you?"

"Tired." She shook her head. "I'd like to kick the ass of every doctor, nurse and orderly who is claiming they are too traumatized to work right now. _Hello_. I want through worse than them and I'm still working. We're really short staffed."

Meredith felt a stab of guilt, but Cristina continued before she could say anything.

"You _are_ traumatized. They wouldn't even let you work right now if you wanted to. But there are people who hid in closets and never saw a thing. _They_ should be working."

"I don't know when I'm going to be able to work," Meredith admitted. "I've never been affected by the sight of blood before, but..." There had been a pool of it under and around Derek. A pool. It had soaked into her scrub pants and stained her knees. It had dried under her fingernails and in the crevices of her watch. It had gotten into her hair. It was smeared across parts of the hospital.

"You just need time. It's only been two days."

Meredith nodded. Had it really only been two days? It felt like _so_ much longer.

"So," Cristina said, signalling a subject change. "How's it going with the Shepherds?"

"Okay," she said honestly. "I mean, there are times where I just want to be alone with him, but his family is actually pretty awesome. Maybe they're just being nice to me because my husband almost died, but still...nice. They get it, you know?"

"I do now."

"And Nancy and Amy are coming soon. Mark's picking them up at the airport. I don't really want to share him with more people, but I love him and they love him, so it's got to be okay, right?"

"When did you become such an optimist? Especially regarding family?"

"I guess Derek is rubbing off on me. Plus, I have my own family now...sort of. And it's good." She furrowed her brow. "Though I haven't seen everyone. Where is Alex? And Lexie?"

Cristina stared straight at her for a long moment, but didn't quite meet her eyes. "They're at Seattle Pres," she finally said. "Helping with the overflow. They'll be back soon. They're both worried. I've been sending updates."

Something was off, but Meredith didn't have the energy to push for more. As long as her family was intact. She sighed. "I can't believe how much has changed," she found herself whispering.

"I know."

"I keep trying to remember the last time we were all truly happy, but I can't."

"Life doesn't let everyone be happy at the same time. Just try to remember a time when you and Derek were happy."

"When did you become so insightful?"

"Shut up."

Meredith smiled and closed her eyes as she thought back, searching for a happy memory. There hadn't been many lately. Not that had lasted more than a moment or two. Derek hadn't been happy lately. Being Chief had taken a toll on him. His dream job wasn't quite what he had expected.

The night after she had joined him at the breakfast ceremony came to mind. After demanding he make up the experience to her with sex, they had spent most of the night doing so. He had kept, jokingly, calling her _Mrs. Shepherd_ to get a rise out of her, and she had felt a twinge of happiness every time – even though she would never admit it.

Then there had been the night he had joined her in bed, grumbling about the fact that he had had to park on the street because their driveway was full. She had rolled on top of him and kissed him hard, before telling him she had given up keeping the strays out and she was ready to build their dream house. His expression had morphed into pure happiness and she had kissed him again and again and again.

A month later they had met the contractor on the cliff to talk about placement and direction and layout. Meredith had suggested they pull out the candles to make things more clear. Derek had laughed and kissed her, despite the confusion on the contractor's face.

Two weeks ago, they had had an entire day off together. The morning had been spent in bed, the afternoon lounging around the house together. And then they had gone out to dinner. Real dinner. With wine and steaks and carbs in a basket. They had gotten dressed up and he had called her his wife several times. Even though it had been a year, the term still made her smile.

Four. That's all she could come up with. Four happy memories in the past six months. There were others, she was sure, but these were the small handful that stood out. These were the ones she would hold onto now.

"Is it helping?" Cristina asked.

Meredith opened her eyes and shrugged. "A little." She shifted and started to move off the bed.

"Where are you going?"

She offered her best friend a smile. "The memories are making me feel better, but they're also making me want my husband."


	11. Chapter 11

Meredith stumbled down the hall towards Derek's hospital room. She was exhausted; physically, emotionally, mentally and in every other way which it was possible to be exhausted.

It was Saturday. Day three. After her talk with Cristina the day before, Meredith had returned to Derek's room. No one had said anything about how long she had been gone, or about the fact that she had gone to get coffee and returned empty handed. Carolyn had reminded her to finish her salad.

Mark had arrived with Derek's missing sisters in tow. Nancy had hugged her, despite their lack of friendliness during their first meeting. And Amy – Amelia, Meredith corrected herself – had cried. Knowing exactly what Derek's youngest sister had gone through as a child, Meredith had felt torn between wanting to give the other woman space as she clutched to Derek's hand and sobbed, and not wanting to be an inch away from her husband.

Derek had eventually woken up again. His pain was great, and he made use of his morphine button. His eyes had glazed over, but he had sat up and talked with his family for ten minutes. He had said enough to calm down Amelia.

When night fell, Meredith had told Mark to take the Shepherd's home. He still had a key from all his attic time with Lexie. The Shepherd's had been hesitant to leave, but Meredith had insisted. And Mark had backed her up.

No one had been able to convince her to go with them, though.

The night had been tough. She had actually ventured from Derek's bed and lay down on the couch. She could hear every breath he took, and it had quickly lulled her to sleep. But a few short hours later, she had awoken from another nightmare. With tears in her eyes and her heart pounding in her chest, Meredith had padded back to her seat beside his bed and sat vigil for the rest of the night. At least she'd gotten _some_ sleep.

Jenna and Amelia arrived early in the morning, bringing real coffee and a box of donuts.

Meredith had thankfully taken the coffee and drained it as she told them how stable Derek had been all night. She even ate a donut. It felt thick and tasteless in her mouth and sat like a lump in her stomach, but she ate it. The whole thing. It was part of the whole taking care of herself thing that she had promised to do. And she especially needed some form of nourishment if she wasn't going to get any sleep.

Very little had been said, and Meredith eventually excused herself to have a shower.

It has still been early morning when she had been intercepted on her way back to Derek's room by the female officer who had intervened the day before. Officer Neade. She had explained to Meredith the importance of her statement and her obligation to give one. She had apologized for the other officer's behaviour. And then she had asked nicely if Meredith had time now.

And after the good coffee and the food and the shower, Meredith had said yes.

She regretted it now, as she stumbled numbly through the halls that would eventually lead to her husband's room.

Officer Neade had been kind and gentle, but the questions were what they were. Nothing could make them easier to answer.

_How far away were you when you witnessed Mr. Clark shoot your husband?_

_ Was he aware of your presence at this point?_

_ Can you estimate the amount of time it took Mr. Clark to shoot? Do you know what made him hesitate?_

_ How long did it take you to get to your husband? Can you tell me the path you took?_

_ What was his status when you got there?_

_ Was he awake?_

_ Was he aware of what had happened?_

_ How much blood had he lost?_

It made her feel sick. It drained any optimism and happiness Meredith had been feeling.

She felt defeated now, having been forced to relive that day.

He face was puffy, she could feel. Her eyes stung, and she knew without looking they were dry and bloodshot. She had cried a lot during the interview.

_How did you get your husband to the OR floor?_

_ Was he still conscious at this point?_

It had taken two hours to go through all the questions. And every answer she gave was documented. It was evidence now. It would last forever. The memory of that day would last forever.

_What was Dr. Shepherd's status going into surgery?_

Meredith paused in a quite hallway and leaned against the wall, shaking. He had been scared going into surgery. Brave, but scared. She could see it in his eyes. He hadn't wanted to leave her anymore than she had wanted him to. He didn't want to do to her what his father had done to his mother; to him. That was why she hadn't told him about the baby before the surgery. She didn't believe in God and heaven like so many, but she believed in something. There was something _there_. She had experienced it. And the last thing she wanted was him feeling more guilt than he needed. He would hate himself for leaving not only her, but a child.

He had promised not to die. And even though it wasn't actually something he could promise, she understood what he meant. He would do everything to stay alive. He wouldn't ever give up. He would fight to stay with her.

She had stood by his side when Cristina had come back into the procedure room to announce she would be doing the surgery. She had stayed silent as she helped transport him to the OR and settle him on the table.

She had run her fingers through his hair and kissed him one last time before they put him under. She had told him she loved him, so that it would be the last thing he heard, just in case. He had said it back. And then they had placed the mask over his face and he had been gone from behind his eyes.

_How long into the surgery did Dr. Hunt arrive? Was Mr. Clark already there?_

Meredith ran a hand through her hair as her body faltered. Even after her drowning experience she hadn't felt quite so weak. The world began to totter, and she slid down the wall until she was sitting on the floor. She would wait until the world stopped moving before she made her way back to Derek's room.

It was quiet here. The remaining patients had been grouped together to make the most of the minimal staff. They were still closed to trauma and new admissions.

She wished things could be back to normal. The hospital should be buzzing with activity. There shouldn't be cops and police tape scattered across the floors. She should be working. And so should Derek.

_Did you follow Dr. Hunt into the OR at this point? How long did you wait?_

_ Why did you confront him?_

_ What was Mr. Clark doing when you first entered the OR?_

He was holding a gun to my best friend's head and demanding she let my husband die, Meredith thought to herself as she relived her answer. She had cried. But she didn't cry now. She doubted there was an ounce of fluid left in her body after all the tears she had cried during the interview.

_What did you say to get Mr. Clark's attention? I need your exact words. What was his response?_

Footsteps echoed somewhere down the hall to her left. A shadow passed in the distance, but didn't come any closer.

Meredith closed her eyes and leaned her head against the wall. She wanted to go back to Derek. She wanted to crawl into bed with him and have him hold her and promise everything would be okay. It had taken her a long time to accept his comfort, and a long time to believe his words when he promised things would be okay. It had taken her a long time to _go to him for comfort_. But now she wanted to do so more than anything.

But that couldn't happen. She had to settle for holding his hand while he stared at her and tried his best to comfort her through drugged eyes.

It wasn't fair. None of this was fair.

_How many shots did he fire? Were any directed at you, or just at Dr. Hunt? Where was Dr. Hunt hit? Was he conscious?_

_ How did you convince Mr. Clark to leave?_

She was pretty sure this was the final reason she had lost the baby. The final straw, or whatever. Though, she couldn't fault Avery for his quick thinking. It may have lost her the baby, but it saved her husband. And if she had to choose, she needed Derek. Losing the baby had been devastating, but if Derek had died on that table in front of her it would have been...shattering. She half-suspected she would have died right then and there with him.

_What happened next?_

At this point in the interview, Meredith had fallen silent, unable to answer. She still didn't understand what had happened next. The pain. The grief. The bleeding. Why had this happened? After everything she had endured, didn't she deserve this? Didn't she deserve to keep the baby _and_ her husband? Just once, couldn't she have it all?

Footsteps echoed again, closer, and when Meredith eventually opened her eyes, Dr. Bailey was standing above her. Her mentor's normally determined expression was now one of dullness and defeat. "Grey, what are you doing on the floor?" She asked quietly. No judgment. No disagreement. No...anything, really. Just a flat tone.

Meredith attempted a shrug. "Waiting."

"For what?" Same tone.

"For the world to stop spinning."

Bailey sighed, her eyes flickering just a bit, and she reached a hand down to Meredith.

Meredith took it and allowed herself to be pulled up. The world tottered violently for several moments, and then stabilized – for the most part, at least.

"Come on," was all she said.

Meredith allowed herself to be led back down the hallway and into the closest staff lounge by her elbow. She sat on the couch closest to the door, not trusting her legs to keep her upright for a moment longer.

Bailey fished through the fridge across the room and came out with a bottle of apple juice.

"Drink," she said, her voice still flat, as she handed the juice to Meredith.

Meredith took the bottle. She coughed and sputtered after the first sip. And then the second. The third went down okay.

"I heard," Bailey said eventually. "I'm sorry about Derek."

She nodded, returning the cap to the apple juice.

"I've wanted to come and see him, but...I've been busy."

Something horrific had happened to Bailey too, Meredith realized. Only something severe could affect the opinionated, authoritative surgeon so dramatically. "It's okay," she found herself saying. "He's okay."

"And you?"

"I'm fine."

"Other than the fact that the world is spinning?"

Meredith sighed and closed her eyes. "I _was _fine. Considering. I was fine with everything. Derek looking like that. Being in pain. Cristina acting strange. Derek's whole family being here. The memories. Everything."

"What changed?"

"I had to answer questions this morning."

"The police?"

She nodded.

Bailey sighed and sat on the other couch. "I had my interview yesterday. I had to tell them how Charles Percy died in my arms because I couldn't get him to the OR floor. They shut down the elevators."

Meredith's eyes stung, and if she had any tears left in her, she suspected she would be crying. They had shut down the elevators. They had taken Derek to the OR floor in an elevator. What would they have done if the elevators hadn't been working?

"He wanted me to get a message to Reed, but when I tried to find her, I found out she had died too."

Meredith nodded. "I heard."

"He pointed a gun to me," Bailey continued.

"Me too."

"I've never been more afraid."

Meredith didn't respond. She had been scared when Mr. Clark had turned the gun on her and stepped forward, his expression telling her he was prepared to shoot. But she had also been relieved.

_Tell Derek I love him and I'm sorry._

She had meant it. And she had been prepared to take a bullet if it would save her husband. The fear had been the strongest when he was the one in danger.

Silence fell between the two broken surgeons for several minutes.

"Are you still dizzy?"

"Not really."

"Are you taking care of yourself?"

"I'm trying."

"Good."

Meredith closed her eyes and leaned her head back against the couch. "All I want to do right now is take him home and never come back here."

"I know the feeling."

"I used to love it here."

"Me too."

"Cristina told me to hold onto the good memories. And yesterday it helped. You should try that."

"It's not helping now?"

Meredith shook her head. "I feel like it happened all over again."

Bailey scoffed in a way that was almost a laugh. "I've spent the past three days thinking my experience that day was the worst it could have been. But now I realize it probably paled in comparison to yours."

A single tear escaped her left eyes. "I thought it was going to be one of the best days of my life. I was happy. Really, really happy. And then I wasn't. And then I almost lost everything."

"But you didn't lose anything," Bailey pointed out. "Derek's alive. And I'm sure he'll be back to his annoying, charming self before you know it."

She knew Bailey's comment was designed to make her feel better, and part of her recognized it must have taken effort on Bailey's part considering the trauma _she_ had faced, but Meredith couldn't mask her reaction. Another lone tear was squeezed from her body as she shuddered.

"Grey?"

"I had a miscarriage," Meredith admitted, her voice barely a whisper. She had to tell someone. And Bailey would understand.

"Meredith..." Bailey sighed. "I'm so sorry."

"I found out that morning. I...I only got to know about it for a few hours. I was on my way to tell Derek when everything started. And then it was too much."

"He doesn't know." It wasn't a question.

"I can't tell him; not like this."

Bailey remained silent for a long moment before speaking. "You're right not to tell him right now. But you should go and be with him now. Sit with him and hold his hand and think of every good memory you can remember."

Meredith nodded.

"Are you okay to walk by yourself?"

She nodded and stood. "Are you coming?"

Bailey sighed. "I think I'm going to sit here for a while longer; try to remember some good things myself."

"Okay; and Dr. Bailey?" She started, pausing at the door. "Thank you."

OO

Derek was awake when she finally stumbled into his room. The dizziness hadn't struck again, but the stress of navigating the halls of the hospital and having to avoid all of the cordoned off areas took its toll on her. His family was scattered around his room, but his head turned when the door opened and his expression softened.

"Hey," she managed to croak out.

Kathleen, who had been sitting in Meredith's chair, quickly stood, motioning for Meredith to sit down. "We were getting worried. Are you okay? You look pale."

Meredith nodded absently, her eyes trained on Derek as she made her way to his bedside and bent forward to kiss him.

"I'm fine," she finally responded when she stood upright. "I, uh, made my statement. To the police. It took a lot longer than I expected."

Derek's eyes pinched in concern. He knew her well enough to know what 'I'm fine' meant coming from her lips. "Meredith..."

She forced a smile to her face. "I'm okay," she clarified. "It was...tough. They needed to know everything. But it's out of the way now."

He lifted his hand and she smiled and met him half way, threading her fingers through his. "You're going to have to give a statement too, when you're out of ICU."

Derek nodded.

Still clutching to his hand, Meredith sat. "You look good. How are you feeling?"

"Better. Sitting up is easier."

"Clearly." The back of the bed was upright, and Derek was sitting comfortably. She smiled and ran her free hand along his forearm.

"I even had some jello for breakfast."

She giggled. "You hate jello."

"I needed you here to tell Altman this morning. She wouldn't take no for an answer."

"Maybe I can smuggle in some Muesli for tomorrow."

He smiled, and his eyes twinkled just a bit. He was less drugged today. He must be using the morphine less. He almost looked like _Derek_ again. Her Derek. Her _guy_.

He was injured and in pain and had a long recovery ahead of him. But his optimism was shining through and his eyes were sparkling, despite the dulling effect of the morphine. His eyes sparkled a lot when he looked at her. She sat beside him now, trying to recall every good memory she could, and his eyes sparkled when he looked at her in every one of them.

Because she was his girl.

The realization made her smile softly. He was her guy, and she was his girl. He loved her, and he needed her, just as much as she did him. And maybe, for now, that was enough to get through the day.

"I love you," she whispered, despite the fact that his family was in the room, listening.

He smiled. "I love you too."


	12. Chapter 12

_**AN: I finally got my new computer, so my writing has resumed. Because I was so hindered for so long I don't have a single word of the next chapter typed yet, so it may be a little while before I can get back to posting as regularly as before.**_

_**I also want to thank everyone for their wonderful feedback! Now that I can, I'll be going back and trying to respond to as many of the questions as I can.**_

_**Thanks for reading!**_

Derek managed to stay awake for close to an hour after Meredith returned to his room before sleep finally claimed him. She had watched as his eyelids gradually became heavier and heavier, his blinks becoming longer and longer, as his already drugged eyes glazed over. And finally, they shut for good. His eyelids flickered, as if he was trying to open them again, and then they relaxed.

He was asleep.

Meredith smiled softly as she sat by his side, holding his right hand with hers and rubbing her left hand up and down his forearm. It calmed her now, to see him peaceful in his sleep. It lessened the pressure she still felt in her chest from her interview that morning.

If you could even call it an interview.

Interrogation was more fitting.

She felt violated. Her experience that day was _her_ experience and no one else's. She didn't want her memories and words and feelings forever recorded in a police file. She didn't even want the memories in her own head anymore. For three days she had managed to suppress the full extent of that day, but now she was raw and exposed. And she wanted nothing more than to turn out the lights and crawl into bed with her husband.

But there were several issues with her deepest longing right now. They were in the ICU, for one. The lights needed to stay on. His family was here, watching. And he was injured. Sharing a bed with him, as much as she wanted it, wasn't feasible right now.

She stroked his forearm one more time, up to the elbow and back to his wrist before stilling her hand, her eyes trained on her husband. His face was more still than normal when he slept. His eyes didn't move under his lids now, and his breaths were shallower than normal; likely a product of the morphine. Or the fact that every movement of his diaphragm and lungs probably hurt like hell.

He was in pain, even if he was doing a good job hiding it. She could see it every time he met her gaze, even through the morphine haze. But he was being brave and strong. For his family. For her.

She smiled softly as she gazed at his face and resisted the temptation to lean forward and run her fingers through his hair. His sleep was shallow right now, and she didn't want to wake him prematurely. The sleep was healing.

Derek was healing.

She closed her eyes and tried to imagine their life in a month's time. He'd be home. Free of wires and tubes and leads. He'd be able to move about freely. He'd still be in pain, but not nearly as much. They'd be able to sleep in the same bed. _Their_ bed. It had really only been a few days since they had slept in the same bed, but it felt like an eternity right now.

It was Saturday now. Derek had been shot on Wednesday. Meredith had wasted Tuesday night trolling for surgeries and working with Shadow Shepherd when she could have spent the night with the real thing. Monday night she had been on call and hadn't gotten home until very late. Derek had been asleep, and by the time she got up in the morning, he was already gone. Sunday night...she couldn't remember. They'd actually spent a few hours together one evening. Had it been Sunday? Saturday maybe?

She sighed and sat back in her chair, hugging her knees up to her chest.

Ten minutes passed. Twenty. Thirty.

Derek continued to sleep, his breaths more shallow than usual, but even. Oh, so even. In. Out. In. Out. Regular and even. And all on his own. She had never been so entranced by the simple act of breathing before.

Ten more minutes elapsed. And then another.

The hour mark was closing in when Jenna finally spoke.

"Meredith, I have to ask. Why is there a spinal tumour drawn on your bedroom wall?"

Meredith blinked and craned her head to meet the questioning eyes of her sister-in-law. "What?"

Jenna offered her a smile. "Mother of all spinal tumours? Above your bed? Appears to be drawn with sharpies?"

Meredith smiled back as her brain processed what was being asked. She shifted in the chair so that she could face Jenna. "Oh, that..." How could she begin to explain that? "Uh, yeah, Derek removed it from a patient last fall."

"Really?" Amelia spoke up. She had been fairly quiet so far. "It's huge. And intricate. Where did he have to cut the cord?"

"He didn't."

"He...he removed it around the cord?"

"Yeah. No nerve damage at all."

"Wow, I knew my brother was good, but that... That's impressive," Jenna said.

Meredith nodded. "Yeah. It took him close to thirty hours."

"Very impressive," Carolyn stated, echoing her daughter, "But why is it on your bedroom wall?"

This made her laugh. It was short and quiet, but still a laugh. "You'd have to ask Derek. He spent ten hours in surgery one day, staring at the tumour. And then he came home and drew it on the wall. The next day he removed it."

"Okay, now I think my brother is crazy," Jenna said.

Meredith shrugged. "Maybe a little."

This made his whole family laugh, quiet and short, as hers had been. But it was nice. Comforting. Normal. As if, for a moment, all six of them could forget they were sitting in an ICU room, staring at Derek's prone form.

"It's a nice house," Kathleen spoke up.

"Thank you," Meredith said quietly. It hadn't been until after she had sent Mark to take the Shepherds home for the night that Meredith had actually realized what she had done. She hadn't been home in several days, but she was pretty sure the house was relatively clean, providing Alex and Lexie hadn't destroyed it since she'd last been home Tuesday morning. But there were...things. Things that were hidden from view, but not hidden away. If the Shepherds snooped, they could find things. Not bad things, but things. Private things. Things she didn't necessarily want to be explaining while Derek wasn't conscious enough to act as a buffer.

"I think Derek mentioned, before, that the house was yours?"

She nodded. "It was my mother's. I was going to sell it when I moved back here, but then..." She shrugged. "I don't know. I guess I changed my mind."

"What are you going to do with it now?"

"Now?"

Carolyn smiled at her and nodded. "Derek said you two were building a house."

Meredith ran her hand over her face as she nodded, trying to waste a few moments as she struggled to make her mind work at its normal processing speed. The house on the cliff. Their dream house.

When she had told Derek she wanted to build their house, they had thrown away the plans he had had drawn up previously and had started from scratch. They had designed every square inch of their dream home as they planned for their future.

Their future.

It was a concept she hadn't thought about in the past few days. She hadn't thought much about the world outside of the hospital. She hadn't thought at all about the future.

The future she still had. The future _they_ still had together.

The house was underway. On the rare occasion she and Derek had had time off together, they had driven out to their land to check the progress. That provided a few additional good memories that hadn't come to mind before.

"A house. Yes," she stammered. "We're building a house. On his land. Our land, I mean." She made a face, knowing she wasn't making a lot of sense. Her emotionally raw and sleep deprived brain was already struggling to complete menial tasks, and now she was trying to make it think about the outside world and the future. _And _be coherent at the same time.

If Carolyn noticed her struggle, she didn't say anything. "Are you going to keep your house?"

It only took Meredith an extra second to take in the answer. "I...haven't really thought about it. I still have roommates. We tried to get rid of them...the roommates. And we did for a little while, but...they're still here now. I guess we'll just leave the house to them, for now at least."

"How far along is the house?"

"Uh, it should be ready in a couple months..." she trailed off as realization smashed into her. Had she not been sitting down, she may have stumbled. Maybe even fallen down. Collapsed.

She and Derek were building their dream house.

It would be finished soon. She had been looking forward to it; moving into her dream house with her husband. Having his kids. Building their family.

And she had almost ended up all alone with the house.

But it wouldn't have been her dream house anymore.

It wouldn't have meant _anything_ anymore.

Her hands trembled and her chest hitched painfully, but she held her arms tight around her knees to keep her body still. Her throat burned as she sucked in a painful gasp of air, and she closed her eyes.

What would she have done with the house? Would she have moved out there alone?

She wouldn't have been able to sell the land and the house. It would have killed her to know someone else was living there; in the home she and Derek had designed together. The house had their future written all over it. The future that hadn't been guaranteed three days prior.

Her body shuddered before she regained control and found the strength to open her eyes.

Carolyn was staring at her, waiting patiently for her to open her eyes. Her gaze held comfort and understanding.

"Sorry," Meredith murmured, resting her chin on her knee. "I...sorry."

Carolyn nodded solemnly. "You have nothing to apologize for. If anyone understands, it's us."

Meredith nodded against her knees and closed her eyes again. "Thank you."

Another ten minutes passed in solemn silence. Meredith continued to hug her knees tight to her chest as she watched her husband breathe in and out. In and out. In and out.

Eventually, Jenna's voice cut through the silence. "Okay, I have another question. What's with the dead kidney on your nightstand?"

A sob that was mostly a laugh bubbled up from her lungs.

Jenna offered her a smile, happy with herself for bringing the room back to a lighter mood.

"The kidney... There was a domino surgery; six donors and six recipients. Derek used his pull, or whatever, to get one."

"Derek's weird," was Jenna's response.

Meredith shook her head as she laughed again. "No, it was good. Everyone else was very jealous."

The door opened before any further questions could be asked, and Teddy entered the room. "Hello, Shepherds," she greeted, sounding more relaxed than she had been for several days. "How's our patient? Did he actually eat the jello after I left earlier?"

"Not because he wanted to," Carolyn responded. "But he ate it."

"We didn't give him a choice," Kathleen added.

Teddy smiled. "Good. Yang is over at Seattle Pres...helping out. She'll be back in a few hours, but I want to get Derek up and out of bed this morning."

"Already?" Carolyn asked, worriedly.

"Yes. With routine heart surgery I would have wanted him up yesterday, or even the day before. His surgery, while not routine, was started quickly and went well. He needs to get up and start moving around. His lungs sound good, but he's still at risk for pneumonia."

"Shouldn't we at least be waiting until he's out of ICU?"

Teddy shook her head. "In a normal situation I would have moved him yesterday. He's stable and healing well."

"Then why-"

"Several reasons, actually. The first being we're short staffed and we're trying to keep the patients we have in the same areas. The second is...it's more secure in the ICU. We're trying to keep the police away from him for as long as possible. And there have been a few, minor, incidents with reporters trying to get into the hospital. As the Chief of Surgery, we believe he'd be a target for the press."

Jenna sighed. "I wish you'd told us this yesterday. I've been worried there was something you weren't telling us."

Teddy smiled. "Sorry. I keep forgetting I'm dealing with a family of doctors."

Meredith watched quietly as Derek's family asked Teddy several additional questions. She hadn't even realized; hadn't even thought about the fact that Derek was still in the ICU. And it was something she should have noticed. The ICU was for patients who were immediately post-op, unstable or in need of constant observation and care.

Derek didn't meet any of those criteria anymore.

The realization, although it was coming a day or two late, made her breathe easier. He was still at risk for pneumonia, infection and even clots, but his recovery had progressed past the acute stage.

He was doing well; as well as could possibly be expected at this point.

"Grey?" Teddy's voice reached into her awareness. "Grey."

Meredith snapped back into reality. "Sorry, what?" Everyone was staring at her, concerned.

Teddy furrowed her brow. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," she said quickly.

"She gave her statement this morning," Carolyn said softly, as an explanation.

"Were they as insensitive as they were for mine?" Teddy asked.

Meredith tried to offer the older surgeon a soft smile, but it died on her lips. "She was...neutral. But the questions..." She shook her head.

Teddy offered her an understanding smile. "It's over now. Just think about that."

"Thanks."

"Now, why don't you wake up that husband of yours and see if we can get him on his feet."

Meredith turned in her chair and reached for Derek's hand. "Derek?"

His breathing changed slightly, but he didn't wake. His hand remained passive in hers.

She stood and leaned over the side of the bed. "Derek," she said again, before reaching a hand to stroke his cheek.

His eyelids fluttered, and then opened. He blinked twice before his eyes focussed on her.

"Hey," she said softly.

The corners of his lips pulled upwards. "Hey," he whispered back. "'s a good way to wake up."

Meredith smiled and pecked his lips. "Good," she murmured, a bare hint of a memory drifting through her subconscious; of a moment filled with both fear and a sudden swell of optimism. It had been enough for her to lean into the fear; to overcome it.

"How are you feeling, Dr. Shepherd?" Teddy asked.

"'s Derek," he mumbled.

"I'm sorry?"

"My name," he clarified. "I think we're past the formalities."

Teddy nodded. "Okay, Derek, are you ready to get out of that bed?"

"God, yes."

Meredith smiled at this, knowing her husband hated to be so stationary. He was active. And chatty. Two qualities she had once been annoyed by, but now missed desperately.

In what seemed to be one thought, Derek's sisters excused themselves, leaving only Meredith and Carolyn.

Meredith helped Teddy unhook what could be unhooked, and hung Derek's IV and Foley bags on a rolling pole.

"You ready?" Meredith asked as she manoeuvred the back of the bed upright.

He nodded, his eyes closed as he adjusted to being so upright.

"Are you sure, because-"

"I'm ready," he cut her off. "I just need...a second."

"Okay." She squeezed his hand and fell silent.

A minute passed, and then another, before he finally opened her eyes.

"Okay, Derek, you know the drill. Swing your legs over the side of the bed." Teddy had had Derek sit unsupported on the side of the bed the day before.

Meredith blinked backs tears as she watched her husband struggle to move his body in what should be a simple motion. The look in his eyes told her he was in pain, and it was all she could do to stand back and not try to help him. He needed to be able to do this for himself.

When Derek finally had himself in position, he wheezed painfully as his arms wrapped around his abdomen.

Meredith bit down onto her lower lip as she passed him a pillow.

He took it from her and hugged it to his chest. "'s better," he mumbled, still breathing hard, his eyes wrenched shut.

Unable to just watch him be in pain any longer, Meredith cautiously sat beside him and rubbed his back. He didn't acknowledge her presence, but after a minute, the tight muscles under her palm began to relax.

"Derek, do you want me to get a walker?" Teddy asked.

He shook his head.

"Are you sure? There's nothing wrong with needing one."

"No," he said, his voice strained but determined. He opened his eyes. "It's hard to...adjust. But I'm okay."

Teddy nodded. "Okay. When you're ready, lean forward, hold onto the IV pole and stand."

Derek reached for the IV pole, his fingers turning white as he gripped it tightly. He shifted, moving his body forward, towards the edge.

Meredith bit her lips as she watched him, wishing there was something she could do. She had watched hundreds of post op patients, including some of her friends. She had been post op herself. She had experienced the pain. But it hadn't hurt as much as is hurt to watch Derek now.

She thought he would pause at the edge of the bed before standing, but he pushed through the pain. His toes touched the floor, and then his heels. His knees gave slightly as they were asked to support his weight for the first time since he had fallen with the impact of the bullet three day prior, but they held. And he was standing.

Derek sucked in a painful gasp as he stood, hunched against the pillow, the hand gripping the IV pole shaking slightly. Meredith followed his movement, standing as well, still rubbing his back.

Carolyn was spouting off words of encouragement and support, but Meredith stayed silent, knowing Derek was too preoccupied to hear anything.

"Oh," he eventually breathed. His neck straightened and he opened his eyes.

"How does that feel?" Teddy asked, keeping a careful eye on his balance.

"Feels like I weigh a thousand pounds."

Teddy offered him a smile. "That will fade. You're up; that's the hard part. Do you feel up to a couple steps, or do you want to sit first?"

He wanted to sit. Meredith could see it in his eyes, could feel it through his back. The effort it had taken him to stand had exhausted him. He was in pain. But he was Derek Shepherd. He was nothing if he wasn't determined. "I'll...couple steps," he mumbled.

He rolled the IV pole forward about a foot. His body shifted, as if he were trying to decide which foot to move first. And then he moved the IV pole back half the distance.

For a moment, Meredith thought he was going to change his mind and sit, but then he shuffled his left foot forward. And then his right. And then he stopped and breathed hard, his right arm hugging the pillow tight to his chest, supporting his fractured sternum.

"Good," Teddy said, encouraging.

"Walking...harder than I remember."

Meredith smiled at this. It was unfair, that the simple act of walking was this difficult, because Derek hadn't done anything to deserve this. He fought for every patient and didn't deserve to be blamed for the death of a patient who had been gone before he had even been called onto the case. But still, Meredith smiled, because Derek was in pain and was struggling to put one foot in front of the other, and yet his personality was still shinning through.

Despite the pain and the struggle and the unfairness of it all, her husband was still her husband. He wasn't hiding from the situation, and he wasn't pretending everything was okay. He was facing it head on. A wave of love and gratitude swelled in her chest. He'd crash eventually; she knew. He always did. He handled things until he just couldn't anymore. And then he crashed. But he was doing awesome, and she knew some part of him knew that. And he would handle things as long as he could. And she would be there when he stopped; she would bridge the gap until he could handle it again.

He shuffled forward another few inches.

"You're doing awesome," she whispered, following his progress.

"Room's bigger than I thought," he whispered back.

"I guess you're not quite ready to make a break for it?"

He exhaled with a hint of laughter as he shuffled forward again and then stopped. "Maybe tomorrow."

She ran her hand along his spine. "Sounds like a plan."

Teddy cleared her throat. "No escape plans. I've never had a patient escape; I'm not about to start now. Plus, I know where you live."

Meredith giggled.

Derek started to laugh, but stopped immediately, wincing at the impact on his breastbone.

Meredith winced with him, running her hand along his spine again. "Okay, no joking right now."

He said nothing, but nodded. After a moment, he pushed onward again, taking three steps before stopping.

"That's great progress," Teddy offered. "How about we turn around and head back to the bed?"

Derek shook his head, before standing up a little straighter. "I can make it to the door."

"I believe you can, but once you get to the door, you have to be able to get back to the bed."

"I can do it."

"Ah, you're going to be one of _those_ patients."

Derek ignored her and took two more steps.

"Derek," Teddy tried again. "You've already surpassed the goal. Don't overdo it."

He hesitated, as if debating the merit of Teddy's words.

Teddy sent Meredith a glance, looking for support. They both knew if Derek overdid things now, it would lead to problems later. It would cause more pain, which would impede his recovery.

Meredith hesitated, not wanting to say the wrong thing. This was the first time Derek had been on his feet. It was a male independence thing; that she didn't get, thought was stupid, but understood was important. She stilled her hand, but continued to rub her thumb back and forth. "Your call," she murmured. "We can go all the way to the door now, or we can go back to the bed and try again in a few hours."

"What would you say to your patient?" Teddy added.

Derek sighed and nodded. "I'll go back, but I'll try again in a few hours."

Meredith had to smile at his tenacity.

It was a slow process; watching Derek slowly shuffle back to the bed. Meredith sighed in relief when he finally sat back down onto the edge of the bed.

"How did that feel?" Teddy asked.

Derek shuddered and wheezed slightly before nodding. "It'll get better." Now that he was seated solidly on the bed he closed both arms around the pillow he held to his chest.

Meredith sat beside him again and ran her hand up his back and neck to his hair. It was matted and she worked at the first set of tangles her fingers came across.

"Derek," Carolyn began, "Do you want to lie down?"

"No," he mumbled, eyes closed, his chin resting on the pillow he hugged to his chest. "Sitting up...is actually kind of okay right now."

"That's good," Teddy said. "Just sitting up is good for you right now."

He nodded.

Teddy smiled and turned to Carolyn. "Mrs. Shepherd, do you want to take a walk?"

Meredith smiled as the two older women left the room.

"Alone at last," Meredith murmured.

"Hmm," was Derek's low response. He was clearly in pain, but was handling it. "It'll still be a while before we can take advantage of the alone time."

Meredith smiled. "That's the last thing on my mind right now."

He sighed. "I'm sorry."

"Shut up," she murmured. "You're alive. That's the only thing that matters right now."

Derek shifted and removed one hand from the pillow to reach for her knee.

Meredith rested her hand on his and threaded their fingers.

"I love you," he said softly.

She sighed and rested her head against his shoulder. "I love you too, Derek, so freaking much."


	13. Chapter 13

_**AN: I know I said in the last chapter that my updates would be more regular now. That is still the plan. However, I have been away this week and expected to have better internet access than has actually been the case. I'm hoping this almost 6k update will make up for the delay. Also, for those of you also reading WYB, the next chapter is coming, I promise. It's almost finished.**_

_**Thanks for reading!**_

The wall was cool and solid against her back. She breathed. In. Out. In. Out.

Footsteps echoed somewhere down the hall from her, but Meredith didn't open her eyes to see if it was someone she knew. The air was different down here. Less sterile. More...real. Or, as real as air could be in a hospital. She was close to the front lobby and the outside world; closer than she had been in days. And yes, she was hiding. But not from anyone in particular. Just...life. The hospital. Herself.

The catwalk.

It would be looming above her the moment she opened her eyes, stepped around the corner and headed into the open area that separated the wings of the hospital. She didn't want to see it; didn't want to be anywhere near to it.

She feared the catwalk would forever loom over her; would serve as a reminder of the worst day of her life for the rest of her career.

And now she had to face it for the first time since she had fought to keep Derek alive as he bled out all around her.

"Come on, Grey," she muttered to herself. It had been at least ten minutes. Probably closer to twenty. And she had just been standing against the wall like some kind of freak. She had faced a man with a gun, and now she couldn't bring herself to walk under the catwalk.

But she had to. She had to get to the other side of the hospital. She had to get to Derek's office. There were things he wanted. Things she had promised to get for him. His tooth brush. Electric razor. Any clothes he may have in his office. And any personal _things_ she could find for him. He had had enough time playing the part of a patient. The dependence. The lack of privacy. Lack of personal...everything. His day to day life was regulated by the hospital now, and he needed some reminder of his life.

They were going to move him to the cardiac ward that evening. And he wanted some things; some hints into his life. Something to make him feel like...himself. Like Derek Shepherd; doctor, husband, brother, son. Human being.

And Meredith wanted to do that for him. She wanted to go to her husband's office and get him some things; she wanted to be _able_ to do this for him.

She had taken the stairs down to the ground floor from the ICU without thinking about it. She had known she wouldn't be able to cross the catwalk, even though she had been told the blood – Derek's blood – and police tape had been cleaned up.

But she hadn't expected it to be so difficult to cross under the catwalk.

"Lean into the fear," she mumbled. "Lean into the fear. Lean into the fear. Lean into the fear." She sucked in a deep breath, opened her eyes and pushed herself away from the wall. The atrium was cold and empty as she pressed through it, her eyes on the floor. And when she finally reached the other wing, she released her breath and fell against a new wall.

"Okay. Okay, good." She was talking to herself, but she didn't care. "Hard part's over," she added, even though she knew it wasn't true. Derek's office was right beside the catwalk.

She allowed herself a moment to breathe, before stumbling down the hall towards the stairs. The three flights she had to climb winded her more than usual and she was breathing hard when she reached the floor. Knowing she would wallow for as long as possible if she allowed herself to stop now, Meredith pushed herself onward, heading down the hallway that would take her far too close to the catwalk for her comfort level.

Keeping her eyes on the floor, she walked the familiar path to Derek's office. The door was closed, but she prayed it was unlocked as she reached for the handle. It turned and the door opened. Meredith breathed a sigh of relief as she pushed into the office, only to stop dead at the sight she found.

"Excuse me?" Larry Jennings snapped from the chair in front of Derek's desk; the chair Meredith had spent so much time in, keeping her husband company in his lonely and stressful job. "Can we help you?" He asked, his voice filled with irritation and condescension.

Meredith stammered, unable to find words to respond. She had expected the office to be empty; she had expected to get in, get Derek's stuff and get out. She had never expected to run into other people. And she had never expected to have to explain herself. Except now it seemed she had to. Now, she was caught off guard. Larry Jennings was sitting across from Richard, who was seated squarely behind the desk. And behind him, though the window was...

She averted her eyes.

"Do you think it's okay to just barge into private offices? Especially after what we've been through this week?"

Had Meredith not been caught off guard, she may have had something to say to the Chairman of the Board, whom she knew Derek despised. He hadn't gone through anything. He hadn't been there for the shooting. He was probably worried about money. She could just imagine what he was thinking about. The shooting would probably deter patients, which would decrease revenue. And think of all that money wasted on training staff who had died...What a waste.

The man had no right to work for a hospital. He had no empathy. Derek had told her Larry had first offered him Chief on the day George died.

"Are you just going to stand there and-"

"Larry," Richard cut in, stopping him mid sentence. "It's okay." He offered Meredith a kind smile. "This is Meredith Grey."

"I don't care who she is," Larry snapped, turning back to Meredith. "What makes you think it's okay to barge in here and interrupt us?"

"She's Derek Shepherd's wife," Richard snapped before Meredith could respond, coming to her rescue. "She has every right to be here."

Larry Jennings, whom she had met several times as Derek's wife, had the decency to at least look apologetic. "Mrs. Shepherd, I'm sorry. It's been a stressful week. How are you doing?"

"I'm fine," she managed to say quietly, not even bothering to try and correct the name. What did it even matter anymore? She couldn't even believe _that_ had ever annoyed her. Regardless of her name, she was Derek's wife. That would never change. "I'm just here for some things. Derek wants some of his things. Then I'll go."

"The Board has asked me to step in as interim Chief, just until Derek's ready to take over again," Richard offered, explaining why he was where he was.

Meredith nodded absently, not caring what type of hospital politics she had stumbled into. The joke was on them anyway. She had watched her husband grow more and more unhappy with the position of Chief of Surgery as the months had passed. His admission to her the day before hadn't been much of a surprise. He hated the job. He didn't want it anymore.

"Meredith, are you sure you're okay?" Richard asked gently.

"Can you close the blinds, please?" She whispered.

He furrowed his brow as he turned to obey her request, only to have a wave of understanding wash over him as he took in the sight before him. "Of course."

"Thank you," she mumbled when the window, and what was on the other side of it, was no longer visible.

Richard stood. "What do you need?"

Meredith stepped forward. "Just some things."

"Do you need help getting them to his room?"

She shook her head. "No. Thank you. I'll just be a minute, and then you can get back to...whatever."

"Mrs. Shepherd, I can have someone do this for you. Just let me know what you need, and I'll call a nurse in to transport it all for you."

Meredith shook her head. "It's not that much, and the nurses are overwhelmed as it is." She avoided eye contact as she moved behind Derek's desk and pulled open the drawers one by one.

The wide drawer across the middle of the desk was full of what you'd normally expect of a desk drawer. Paper. Pens. A calculator. A few files Derek had been working on; likely consult requests from other neurosurgeons. She made a mental reminder to mention them to him. He may be physically unable to do anything medical, but as he was weaned off of the drugs, he would at the very least look at the files and have an opinion. Was the tumour operable? Was the surgery worth the risk? What was the best technique?

It would give him something to do; would make him feel useful.

She closed the drawer without taking anything.

In the top drawer on her left she found his phone charger, and pulled it out. There were a few other odd items in the drawer, so she dug her way to the back, just to make sure she didn't miss anything.

She definitely didn't want to be making any more trips to this room if she didn't have to.

At the back she found a set of small keys. She pulled them out and dropped them onto the desk. "I assume the keys are for those," she said to Richard, motioning towards the filing cabinets.

The bottom drawer on the left held much more. She found an extra set of scrubs, unused gym clothes and a small toiletry kit that she knew held his electric razor, shampoo and toothbrush. She left the scrubs, but pulled out the gym clothes and the toiletry kit.

The right lower drawer held only files, and she closed it quickly. When she opened the drawer above it, she smiled. Derek didn't have framed pictures on his desk, or around his office, but there was a small stack of photos in the drawer. Her own smiling face greeted her from the top of the pile. The second photo was of her and Derek, from their Christmas party the last December. Lexie had brought a camera and had been trying to get her sister to smile for a picture. Derek had snuck up behind her and snaked his arms around her waist. Meredith had jumped and yelled at him, but he had made some corny comment that had her laughing. And Lexie had taken the picture.

Her eyes blurred now as she stared at the photo, and she quickly shoved the photos into the toiletry bag and closed the desk drawer. "I'm done," she mumbled. "Sorry to...interrupt."

"It's no problem, Meredith. Anything you need." Richard said warmly. "How is Derek doing?" Despite his statement on the one and only time Richard had visited the hospital room, he hadn't been back to check on Derek.

"He's fine. Altman had him up and walking this morning."

"That's very good. He'll be back to running this place in no time."

Meredith offered him a hollow smile as she collected Derek's things. The toiletry kit was made of leather, which had aged, and was now cracked around the edges, but it was soft and well used. And the gym clothes, although he hadn't had free time lately and were unused, still smelled of him.

She said goodbye and made her way out of the office, retracing the steps that had brought her to the office from Derek's hospital room. The walk under the catwalk was a little easier this time. She just kept her head down and kept walking. When she finally arrived back at Derek's room, he was sleeping.

"We were beginning to think you'd gotten lost," Jenna said as Meredith entered the room. She was sitting sideways on the couch, a book in hand. Amelia was sitting on Derek's left, looking tense, as usual, but with a magazine in her lap. She offered Meredith a smile. Kathleen and Nancy had taken their mother out for lunch and some sightseeing. They had wanted to get Carolyn's mind off of her injured son.

"I didn't expect it to take so long. There were...people there."

"In his office?"

She nodded. "The Chairman of the Board and Richard Webber. They've made him interim Chief."

"Richard Webber? Wasn't he Chief before Derek?" Amelia asked.

Meredith nodded. "Yeah, but it's...complicated." She shook her head. "Has he been awake again?" He had sat with her for a good ten minutes after his walking expedition that morning, before she had helped him lie down. He had then proceeded to fall asleep for a few hours. When he had woken, he had asked her to get his things.

Jenna nodded. "Dr. Altman was here. She said they're moving him to some fancy VIP room in about an hour. She had the nurse come in and remove his catheter too. Now that he's mobile he should be fine getting to the bathroom."

"That's good." She knew how much he hated all of the tubes and wires, especially the catheter.

"Did you manage to find some of his stuff?"

"Just some gym clothes and his toiletries. The gym clothes will be comfortable for him. And he'll be able to shave, brush his teeth, maybe wash his hair. I'll ask him what else he wants, and maybe you guys can raid his dresser tonight."

Jenna's brow furrowed. "You're not coming home?"

She shook her head. "Not tonight."

"You said that last night."

Meredith sighed. "I just...can't. Not now. Not yet."

Jenna didn't look convinced, but nodded. "Okay. But mom made us promise to make you eat." She motioned towards the packaged sandwich on the table by Derek's bed. Alongside it was a bottle of orange juice.

Despite how unappealing the concept of food was, Meredith smiled. It was nice to have people who cared. "I'll eat it," she conceded.

The sandwich was dry and tasteless, but she ate the whole thing as she sat beside Derek's bed and stared at his sleeping form, taking stock. There was more colour in his face today. That was good. He had been sore after the walking, but had only used the morphine button once. The incision sight was clean and infection free; she had checked it herself that morning when the nurse had changed his bandage.

All in all, he really was doing as well as could be expected.

When the sandwich was finished, she tossed the packaging into the trash and turned to the orange juice. It was warm, having been sitting out for some time, but she didn't care. In fact, she was surprised to find herself so thirsty. There wasn't enough in the small bottle to quench her thirst, so she excused herself and made her way to the Nurses' Station, where she poured herself and Derek each a cup of water. He would be awake soon, and would be thirsty.

When she returned to the hospital room, she offered both sisters a smile as she silently returned to her seat. Derek hadn't stirred in the few minutes she had been gone. She placed the cups down on his side table and reached for his hand. It was warm, which made her smile. His circulation was returning. His hair was messy and lying forward across his forehead. She wanted to push it back, to run her fingers through it, but she refrained, not wanting to wake him. He needed the sleep.

She did too, she realised. She was exhausted. Her eyes were dry and her eyelids felt heavy, as if any blink could be her last.

She wanted to lean forward and rest her head on the side of Derek's bed, but she stopped herself. She could sleep tonight, but not now. Not now in front of his family.

Meredith let her mind drift as she sat there, struggling to stay awake. She let herself remember the good memories. The Christmas party. New Years; which she and Derek had celebrate twp days late, but still celebrated. She remembered the lazy nights they had spent lying in bed, thinking of things to add to their dream house.

_"I think we should have a slide," she had said one night._

_ "We can put up a whole playground when we have kids. We have the space," he responded._

_ Meredith giggled. "No, I mean in the house. To get downstairs. Or a fireman's pole."_

_ "A fireman's pole?" Derek asked dryly._

_ She nodded._

_ "People already think we're a little crazy."_

_ "Fine; no fireman's pole," she conceded, pretending to be disappointed. "How about giant aquarium?"_

_ "For fish?"_

_ "Yeah."_

_ "What would we do with fish?"_

_ She shrugged. "I don't know."_

_ Derek laughed, pulling her close to him as he kissed her hard. "Do you have any serious suggestions?"_

_ "King size bed."_

_ "Mmm, good idea. But that's more of an after the house is built suggestion."_

_ Meredith settled against her husband's warm body and sighed. "A big porch. On the cliff side. With a swing. Or even a giant hammock. Something undercover so we can sit out there at night and watch the stars or whatever without being rained on."_

_ "That's a good idea."_

_ She yawned and snuggled a little closer. "Derek?"_

_ "Mmm?"_

_ "I kind of can't wait for the house to be built."_

_ His arms closed tightly around her. "Me neither."_

_ "Just think; by the end of the year we could be falling asleep like this in our dream house."_

_ "Or curled up together on our porch, watching the stars."_

_ Meredith smiled at the thought. "Yeah..."_

_OO_

The afternoon hours went by relatively quickly. Derek woke again around three, as he was being moved to his new room. Once he was settled Meredith helped him out of bed and to the bathroom, where he was able to relieve himself for the first time in three days. She helped him to shave, and even to have a modified shower. He was happy with the gym clothes she had found in his desk, and by the time she got him back to bed, he was clean, happy to be wearing his own clothes and utterly exhausted.

The moment he was lying down again, he felt asleep.

Meredith smiled at the relatively peaceful look on his face as she carefully returned the nasal canula to his nose.

"God, he's wiped," Jenna said lightly as she hooked up the oxygen monitor to Derek's left middle finger. Amelia had gone down to the front lobby to meet her mother and sisters when they returned from their outing so she could show them to Derek's new room.

"Yeah," Meredith murmured, running her fingers through his damp hair. It would dry funny with him lying down, but at least it was clean. He'd be happier when he woke up again. "But I think he's feeling a little better."

"Getting out of ICU must help. He'll get better sleep here. And more privacy."

Meredith nodded. "He's going to have had enough of being a patient in a few days."

Jenna laughed quietly. "You know my brother well."

This made Meredith smile.

"We'll have to find him something to do."

"He has books at home. In his office. He hasn't been able to read much in the past six months, being Chief and all. But I'm sure he'd love it if you brought s few books here for him."

"Or you could come home and get them. You'd know which ones he's already read."

"I can't go home yet," Meredith said quietly.

Jenna made a face. "Was I that transparent?"

Meredith nodded. "Kind of."

"Sorry. It's just...you don't want to burn yourself out."

"I know. But I..._can't_. I can barely sleep in the same room as him. There's no way I would get any sleep going home right now. Maybe in a few days, when he's stronger."

"Okay, I'll make you a deal."

"A deal?"

Jenna nodded. "I'll stop pushing you to go home overnight if you go home for, let's say, an hour tomorrow."

"But-"

"Just an hour," Jenna cut her off. "Get out of the hospital. Go home. Have a shower in your own house. Pack some of Derek's things and some of your own. You've been wearing scrubs since we got here; I'm sure you have more comfortable things to wear at home."

"I'm fine in scrubs."

"Meredith, you went to Derek's office today to get his things, because you understood that he needed them, but you're not thinking the same way about yourself. It's important."

As much as she wanted to argue, what Jenna was saying made sense. "Just an hour?"

Jenna nodded.

"And you guys will stay here with him?"

She nodded again.

"Okay. I can do that."

Jenna smiled. "Good."

The rest of Derek's family returned, preventing any further conversation between Meredith and Jenna. She smiled as they told stories of their day. They had gotten lost in Seattle, and argued over whose fault it was. They had gotten too close to a parking barrier, and Meredith wasn't to tell Derek they were to the blame for the small scratch on his front bumper.

When an orderly brought Derek's dinner, Meredith woke him, and offered him a supportive smile as he managed to eat half a cup of soup and some crackers. He fell back to sleep quickly, and she moved the tray away.

Carolyn suggested they all go down to the cafeteria for some dinner, and the way she stared at Meredith made Meredith know she'd be in for a fight if she said no. Surprising everyone, including herself, Meredith agreed. Derek was stable and sleeping. She could take some time away to have dinner with his family.

Kissing his forehead, she whispered that she would be back soon, and then she had followed his family to the cafeteria. The wrap she ordered was better than the food she had been eating for the past three days. The chicken in it was actually warm. And it felt good to eat.

It also felt good to get out of the hospital room.

She remained relatively quiet, allowing the Shepherds to fill the silent. And they did. They liked to talk, and she understood all at once where Derek had gotten it from; the chattiness. They told stories and made jokes and talked about Seattle. And when they were finished, they returned to Derek's room together.

Meredith was a little tense during the walk back from the cafeteria, worried Derek had woken and needed her, but the tension bled away when she pushed open the door, only to find Derek still asleep. He'd be awake more the next day, she knew. The walking and the moving rooms had exhausted him today.

It was a little after eight when the Shepherds said their goodnights and headed home without trying to convince Meredith to go with them. She suspected Jenna had told them of their deal.

"Alone at last," she murmured to Derek's sleeping form.

The only response she received was Derek's chest rising and falling in the same gentle rhythm it had been for hours. And really, that was perfectly fine.

She sat by his bed and reached for his hand. "I like them," she whispered. "They're like you, you know. Very chatty. But nice. You're lucky."

His chest continued to rise and fall, and Meredith closed her eyes, letting the sound in, and trying to pretend she was in their bed, curled up against her warm, sleeping husband.

"I'm exhausted," she admitted. "I'm going to try to sleep again tonight." She paused. "I'm having nightmares again." He knew about the nightmares she had been having when they had gotten back together. She had told him months after the fact. And on the odd time she had had a nightmare since, most of the time not even remembering the dream, she had curled into him for comfort. And with his warm, strong arms around her she had felt safe. _Safe _safe. And she had never worried about the nightmare returning when she fell back to sleep.

She sighed now, glancing at the couch across the room. It was a real couch now, long and comfortable looking, instead of the short, hard couch in the VIP ICU room Derek had been occupying. She could probably sleep better on this one.

"Your sister is making me go home tomorrow. We made a deal. She'll stop bugging me to go home at night if I go home tomorrow for an hour. And I think it'll be good. I can have a shower and get a change of clothes. A couple changes of clothes. For both of us. You can tell me what you want tomorrow and I can get it."

Meredith yawned. "I really do like your family."

"'s good," Derek's sleepy voice surprised her.

Meredith's eyes snapped open, and she found her husband's head turned to her and his eyes open.

"This isn't exactly how I'd planned for you to meet, but I'm glad you like them."

She smiled. "You mean you didn't plan on getting shot and having your family fly out here all panicked, and meeting me, just as panicked, and looking like crap because I haven't slept in days?"

He smiled. "Not exactly. I was actually going to ask if you wanted to fly out and meet them at Christmas this year. Or around Christmas, depending on our schedule."

"You were?"

"Yeah. I was...trying to work it into a conversation."

She laughed. "Let me guess; you were afraid of my reaction?"

"I knew you'd need some convincing."

Meredith stood and leaned over the side of the bed to kiss him. "Well, if you're up to flying and whatever at Christmas, I'm up for going to New York." The family thing didn't scare her anymore; not after this.

"Really?" He asked softly.

"Really." She kissed him again, and smiled when she pulled back. "It's much easier to kiss you now."

"With the stubble gone?"

"It was kind of past stubble, Derek. It was more rough, scratchy beard."

He made a face. "Sorry."

She shrugged. "It was still worth it to kiss you. It's just better now."

Derek smiled at this. "I love you."

"I love you too." She kissed him one more time before carefully sitting on the bed beside his hip, smiling at him. "How are you feeling?"

"Still exhausted."

"That'll get better. You did a lot today."

"I feel better. Getting out of ICU. Wearing my own clothes. Feeling clean. It helped."

"Good. Maybe in a week Altman will let me take you home."

"That'll be...really nice." His eyes welled ever so slightly.

Meredith felt her own eyes well to match his, knowing what he was thinking. Knowing how close he had come to never going home again. They were lucky. They really were. "We'll be able to sleep in our own bed," she murmured.

"Yeah." He reached a hand up to cup her cheek.

Meredith closed her own hand over his, knowing he had trouble keeping his arms up for any length of time.

"How much sleep have you been getting?" He asked quietly.

"Enough."

He gave her a smile that told her he loved her for trying, but didn't believe here. "Even with the nightmares?"

"Oh, you were awake for that." She sighed. "You weren't supposed to hear that."

"But you told it to me," He pointed out.

"No, I told it to sleeping you."

"There's a difference?"

She nodded. "I tell lots of things to sleeping you."

"Like what?"

"Nothing important."

Derek sighed. "Meredith, don't do this. Don't keep things from me."

"I'm not, like, reverting to old Meredith or anything," she said quickly, not wanting him upset. "You just don't need to worry about every stupid thought in my head right now."

His eyes pinched in a way that tugged at her heart. "I know I'm hurt and weak and kind of pathetic right now," he whispered, "But you can still tell me things, Meredith. You can_ always_ tell me things. I'm still your husband. I'm still here for you as best I can be. Please don't keep things from me because you think it's better for me."

Her eyes filled with tears again as she listened to his quiet plea. _Please don't treat me like everyone else. Please let me be your husband. Please don't try to protect me._ "Okay," she whispered.

She leaned forward to kiss him again. "I know you're still my husband, Derek. And trust me, you've been here for me these past few days. You've helped me keep going, even if you don't think it. And the other stuff... I'll stop. I'll stop telling only sleeping you."

"Thank you." He offered her a small smile. "Now, these nightmares..."

"They're stupid," she said quietly. "Just my stupid brain acting out what happened on Wednesday, only without you living at the end."

"I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault."

"It kind of is."

"Hey," she said sharply. "None of this was your fault. His wife was already gone before you saw her. And even if she wasn't, it's not anyone's fault except Mr. Clark's for him bringing a gun to the hospital. So, you don't get to apologize for getting shot."

"Am I allowed to be sorry that you can't sleep?"

She smiled and shook her head. "That's not your fault either. I'm sure it'll get better. I just have to figure out how to lean into the fear to get rid of them."

"I don't understand."

"Me neither. But it's something Dr. Wyatt said to me. Lean into the fear. I never really got it, but I figured it out enough to get over the fear with you. I just have to figure out how to lean into the fear now to get rid of the stupid nightmares."

Derek stared at her for a long moment before opening his arm. "Lie down."

"What? No. I can't."

"Why not?"

"I'll hurt you."

"No, you won't."

"Derek..."

"Lie down," he commanded. "You won't hurt me. I promise." He offered her a smile. "We both need this."

As much as she wanted to tell him it was a bad idea, she felt herself being pulled towards him. There was no harm in trying to find an acceptable position. If it hurt him too much, she could get up. "Okay," she murmured, slipping off her shoes and very cautiously lying down beside him on her side, so that her back was pressed up against the upper side bar of the bed.

"You're allowed to touch me."

She almost laughed. "I don't want to hurt you."

"You won't."

"I know you want to sound all 'I'm a man' or whatever, but we both know I _can_ hurt you. You had your sternum cracked open three days ago."

"Thanks for the reminder," he said dryly. "And it hurts all the time, Meredith. You're not going to make it any worse unless you hit the incision."

She shuffled a little closer, her body yearning to snuggle into his and finally get some sleep. "I...here," she mumbled, carefully reaching across him for the extra pillow at his side. She settled the thin pillow between them, so when she pressed against him, there was a buffer between.

As her body settled, his arm closed around her. "See? This is okay. Better than okay, actually."

"Good." She settled her head down onto the pillow beside him and laid her hand down on his shoulder.

When she was still against him, he chuckled. "Should have had you get the lights first."

She released a laughing exhale. "I'm sure the nurse will turn them off when she comes by for your evening check."

He yawned in response, reminding her of just how tired she was.

"Are you sure this is okay?"

"Absolutely. I miss sleeping next to you. I miss holding you."

Meredith closed her eyes. "God, me too."

"I love you."

"I love you too. And I'll make sure to tell you everything I tell sleeping you from now on."

"Good." His voice was thick, and she knew he was quickly losing the battle on staying awake.

She was finally somewhat back in his arms and she had promised to stop keeping things from him. Part of her wanted to tell him now about the baby. "Derek?" She whispered.

"Hmm?" He mumbled in response, his breathing deep as sleep pulled him back in.

"Goodnight," she murmured.

He mumbled something that may have been 'goodnight' in response, and then he was asleep.

"I know I'm kind of breaking the rules already, but I'm going to tell you things tomorrow. Things that awake you need to know. I promise."

Her only response now was the sound of him breathing. It was right not to tell him now, she knew. This may be the best he had felt since the whole ordeal had begun. He was clean and dressed in his own clothes. He was out of ICU and had walked today. He wasn't able to do much, but he was still able to be a husband right now. He could still sleep next to his wife, could still be there for Meredith to talk to; could still be there to comfort her.

He didn't need to have his heart broken right now. Not when he was feeling good.

Meredith rubbed his shoulder with her palm as she yawned. Sleep was pulling strongly at her now, and she could only hope the nightmares would leave her alone for the night. Her eyes closed as she snuggled as close to her husband's warm body as she could. And then, finally, she slept.


	14. Chapter 14

A thin track of tears ran down her face as she sat cross legged in the middle of the bed she and Derek had been sharing for years up until four days previously. Sharing the small hospital bed the night before had allowed Meredith to finally get some sleep without the nightmares, but it still wasn't enough. It had only been four days since their life had been turned upside down, and all Meredith wanted was for this new type of nightmare to be over.

Jenna had made her promise to go home for an hour. It had taken Meredith forty-seven minutes to shower, pack clothes and toiletries for herself and Derek, and pick out some books for Derek from his office. In the forty-eighth minute, Meredith had finally stopped avoiding. She had stopped analysing what needed to be packed, and had slowed down enough to take in her surroundings.

Everything reminded her of Derek.

It didn't matter that he hadn't been home in four days or that other people had slept in their bed the past two nights, the linens beneath her still smelled like him.

When she had sent the Shepherd's home with Mark, she had told them they had free reign over the house. They could sleep anywhere, except Alex's bedroom, and could make use of the kitchen and office.

They had taken her up on the use of the bedrooms – Meredith had found suitcases in the master bedroom, the bedroom she still referred to as Izzy's and the attic – but there wasn't much evidence throughout the rest of the house. The only thing Meredith had found was a few used dishes in the kitchen sink, mostly glasses, and a few extra towels hanging in the bathroom.

The Shepherd's were either very tidy, or were just using the house as a place to sleep. Meredith assumed it had more to do with the latter.

She was a few minutes past the hour mark now, but Meredith couldn't bring herself to leave. It was quiet here, in the place that reminded her so much of her husband.

She had left him in his hospital bed, with his family surrounding him, less than ninety minutes ago.

Less than ninety minutes.

And she already missed him. Had missed him since she had collapsed into the driver's seat of her car and began the drive home with tears in her eyes.

Meredith sniffed and swiped her hand across her damp face. She missed her husband and their life together. She missed the baby she had only known about for a few hours. She missed the normalcy she had begun to get used to.

She stared at the wall above the headboard as her eyes moved down from the framed post-it to the intricate tumour below it. Her lips curled up into a soft smile. People might think they were a little crazy, but this was their normal. Hers and Derek's, and no one else's.

It would be a long time before they got back to normal, she knew. Barring any complications, Derek would be out of the hospital within a week. He'll be weak and unable to do much around the house. He'll have physiotherapy sessions to get his strength back. It will be weeks before he can return to the hospital in any kind of professional capacity, and months before he can operate again. He'll be in pain for a long time. His sternum will be tender for months, if not a year. And he'll have the scars forever.

For the rest of her life, every time she sees her husband's naked chest, she'll be reminded of almost losing him. It was both intimidating and reassuring at the same time. She wanted things back to normal, but the shooting had reminded her not to take anything for granted. She would be grateful for Derek every single day now.

With a deep breath, Meredith uncrossed her legs and rolled off the bed. It was time to get back to her husband.

The drive back to the hospital was uneventful, and before she knew it, she was pulling into the same parking space she had vacated less than two hours earlier. There was still a guard at the front doors, controlling the entrance. There were reports of the media trying to get in the building, and the police were still investigating. It had only been four days.

"Name?"

"Meredith Grey," she said softly.

The guard, who had barely shrugged when she had told him she would be back soon, eyed the two bags in her hands. "I'll need to see ID. Who are you here to see?"

"Derek Shepherd. My husband. I was just here. I talked to you, and told you I would be back. I just went home to get some things." She put down the bag and started to dig through her purse, before finally pulling out her hospital ID tag. "I'm a doctor. I work here."

He considered her for a long moment before nodding. "I'm sorry. It's been busy today and I didn't recognize you without the...hospital clothes."

Meredith offered him a nod and a flat smile as he let her in. After wearing scrubs for days, it did feel nice to wear some normal clothes. Her worn jeans and cotton top were soft against her skin, in contrast to the scratchiness of her scrubs after having worn them for so long.

The catwalk loomed above her as she walked across the front lobby and atrium, but she ignored it, her eyes trained on the floor. The anxiety wasn't nearly as bad as the day before, but she still didn't want to acknowledge the presence of the structure.

She took the one operating elevator to the cardiac floor and breathed a sigh of relief as she finally reached Derek's room. The door was ajar, and she pushed through, smiling at the sight that greeted her.

Derek was sitting up in a chair beside his bed. Carolyn sat on the couch, a book in hand, and the sisters were absent.

"Hey," she called softly.

Derek turned his head to her, looking tired and sore, but still offering her a warm smile. "Hey."

"Look at you out of bed," she said as she set the bags down on the foot of the bed and turned to her husband.

He nodded. "Thought I'd give my back a break from the bed."

She made a face. "Getting sore?"

"That would be an understatement."

Meredith leaned down to kiss him. "It'll get better. Maybe we can get you out of this room today; go for a wheel."

He raised an eyebrow. "A wheel?"

She nodded. "I doubt Altman will want you walking very far yet, but maybe she'll be okay if I get you out of here in a wheelchair for an hour or so."

Derek obviously wasn't pleased at the prospect of being wheeled around the hospital, but at the same time, she could see him considering the opportunity to get out. "Okay," he finally said, "But I think I need a nap first."

"We can go tonight after dinner, when it's quiet."

He smiled at her. "It's a date."

Meredith giggled and kissed him again.

"How was your trip home, Meredith?" Carolyn asked. "I hope we haven't taken over your house too much."

"Oh, it's no problem at all," she said quickly. "I barely noticed anything. And going home was...nice." She didn't want to gloat about going home in front of Derek, but he wanted her to be able to tell him everything, so she would be open in front of him. "Though it doesn't look like anyone's been home in days. I guess Lexie and Alex are still helping out at Seattle Pres."

"They must be swamped," Derek mumbled. "Went from three major hospitals in the city to one. Combing Grace and Mercy West was hard enough."

Meredith nodded her agreement as she pulled a chair over beside Derek's and sat. "I brought you some more comfortable clothes, and some books. They might give you something to do."

"Maybe tomorrow."

She furrowed her brow as she sent him a questioning look.

"I think I'm still adjusting to the effects of the morphine."

"Hard to focus?"

"A little."

She reached for his hand. "Tomorrow."

He nodded. "Tomorrow."

"So, what did you do to your sisters?"

"Don't ask me, ask mom."

Carolyn offered Meredith a soft smile. "They tried to convince me to go out again today, but I told them to go instead. They're worried I'm going to go crazy, but I'm practically an old lady. I'm perfectly happy to sit and read and enjoy the quiet, whereas they're the ones who need a break."

"You're not an old lady, Ma," Derek offered.

"I said practically. I do have ten children and fourteen grandchildren."

Derek shut his eyes for a long moment. "Ten children?" He asked, opening his eyes. "Funny, I only remember four sisters, though maybe I've combined them into four in order to cope. We can ask Kathleen. She'd know if that was possible. Though I definitely only remember four sisters being here this week..."

Meredith giggled. He was much less drugged now than he had been, but the medications were still in him, mixing together and interfering with his thoughts. And even though she knew he was trying to make a joke, he didn't have much control over his tone, so he sounded serious.

"Very funny, Derek," Carolyn returned. "Five children, four children in law, and Mark."

Meredith felt her breath catch at Carolyn's explanation. _Four children in law_. Amelia was single. That meant Meredith was one of the children in law. It wasn't that it hadn't occurred to her before, but Carolyn had said ten children without hesitation. That meant she _counted_ Meredith.

"If you're counting Mark as a child, you have to change your grandchild count to fifteen," Derek told his mother.

"Excuse me?"

"And add one to the great-grandchild count. Well, sort of," he added.

"Derek Shepherd, you had better start explaining."

Meredith smiled as she watched Carolyn put her book down, her complete attention on her son as he told her the summary of Mark's life the past year. She knew without being told that Mark would be in for an interrogation when he next chose to check in on his best friend.

Derek stammered as he tried to back out of the situation his less than fully-functioning-brain had gotten him into, however the fact that his brain wasn't fully functioning significantly handicapped his ability to think strategically. He started a few weak explanations before shaking his head and saying, "These drugs must be stronger than I thought. I don't know what I was saying."

"Derek Shepherd, you are lying," Carolyn said evenly, "But seeing as you and Mark have been covering for each other since you were five, I should have expected it."

Derek made a face, but remained silent.

Smiling at the exchange, Meredith rubbed her hand along Derek's knee. "What do you think they'll bring you for lunch?"

He sighed. "Something inedible, as usual."

"Do you want me to get you something else?" She asked worriedly. It had been four days and he still wasn't eating much. Nothing appealed to him.

"No."

"Are you sure? Some soup maybe?"

"No," he said again.

"Okay," she relented, still worried.

Her hand was stilled on his knee as his fingers threaded through hers. "I'm just not hungry yet, Mer," he said softly. "The thought of food is...challenging."

"But you'll eat something, right? Because you have to eat if you want to get better."

He squeezed her hand. "I'll eat something, even if I don't like it."

Meredith forced a smile to her face. "Thank you."

"Not getting better isn't an option."

This time she smiled for real. Because he was four days post-op from life saving surgery and _he_ was trying to reassure _her_. "I'm sorry. I'm being a little crazy."

"Just a little."

"Sorry," she said again. "I'm just..."

"Hovering?"

She laughed quietly. "I guess I am, but you said it was okay."

"I did."

Meredith leaned her head against his shoulder and sighed. Carolyn had gone back to sitting quietly on the couch across the room, reading her book. It was almost like she and Derek were alone. And she was being a little crazy. Derek had been absolutely fine when she had left that morning, considering he was a cardiac patient. And she hadn't been gone long. But it was still the most she had been away from him for four days. And the furthest she had been away. She was his wife; that meant she was allowed to be worried. And it calmed her to know that he understood. "I love you," she whispered.

"I love you, too."

She closed her eyes and allowed her mind to drift back to the happy memories for the before. Cristina's suggestion about holding on to the happy memories was still helping her. And she was able to pull more and more memories now, adding to the four she had been able to come up with the first time.

_After spending seven hours in surgery together, saving a very unstable accident victim, Meredith and Derek spent hours in bed that night celebrating. They had received glares the next morning from Lexie and Alex, but Meredith had shrugged and giggled because they couldn't say anything about it now. They had both moved back in uninvited, so they had to put up with it._

_ Meredith and Derek had driven out to their land after a particularly challenging week at the hospital to check on the progress of their dream house. The basement was dug out and most of the frame up. It didn't look like much, but Meredith couldn't stop smiling as she stared at it. And one glance at her husband confirmed he couldn't stop smiling either. Because this wasn't just their dream house; it was their future. After ten minutes, Meredith had jokingly asked where the fireman's pole was going to be, and Derek had laughed before swooping her into his arms and carrying her to the trailer. They had made love for hours._

"What are you thinking about?" Derek whispered.

She lifted her head to meet his eyes. "Happy memories. It helps."

He smiled at her, lifting one eyebrow. "When did my wife become such an optimist?"

She giggled. "Would it shock you more to know the suggestion came from Cristina?"

"Absolutely."

"Well, it did."

"Hmm, I don't know if I believe you."

"It's true," she insisted, laying her head back down on his shoulder. He'd probably be more shocked if she told him Cristina had had a gun held to her head and still refused to stop operating, but that was a story for another day.

It was almost lunch time, and already Meredith was feeling the tug of sleep. The night before, _finally_ being able to sleep beside him, had been a teaser. Now her body was craving more; needing to catch up for several nights of missed sleep. Things were okay now. Derek was stable and sitting up in a chair and lucid. He had found a balance between enough pain killers to dull the throbbing in his chest and still be able to think to a point. His mother was happy to sit and read, and his sisters were comfortable enough to take off for the day. Things were good. Her eyes closed on their own volition, and she was just trying to decide if it was okay to allow herself to sleep now when the door swung open.

Her eyes snapped open, and found Lexie standing in the doorway, haggard and tense. Dark circles hugged her eyes and she stood like she was bracing herself, as if it were a struggle not to fall down. Her eyes, normally bright, were dull and filled with worry. The past four days had definitely taken their toll on the normally optimistic sister, who obviously wasn't nearly as familiar with trauma and destruction as Meredith.

"I..." She stammered. "They didn't tell me until last night, and I didn't want to come then. I...I didn't know."

Meredith stood, concerned. "It's okay. We're okay. Derek's okay." She paused. "Are you okay?"

Lexie nodded too many times.

Still concerned for her sister, Meredith hugged her. "We're okay," she repeated, guiding Lexie into the room. "This is Derek's mom, Carolyn. Carolyn, this is my sister, Lexie."

Carolyn nodded as she stood. "We met last time I was here. How are you, dear? Any more speeding tickets?"

Lexie stared at her for a long moment before shaking her head. "I...no." She turned back to Meredith, still avoiding looking at Derek. "I'm sorry."

"Sorry for what?"

"This was my fault. I caused this."

"What are you talking about?"

"I did it. I took his wife off the ventilator. He was here for me."

"He was here for me too," Derek spoke quietly. "That doesn't make it either of our faults."

Lexie nodded, tears running down her cheeks, as she met Meredith's eyes again. "I'm so sorry."

"It wasn't your fault."

Lexie shook her head. "Not just for that. I...I was mad at you. For days I sat there, mad at you for not being there; for not caring. And then he finally woke up, and they told me about Derek and..." She trailed off with a sob. "God, Meredith, I'm sorry. Of course you care, but you had more reason to be here."

Meredith felt a wave of dread wash over her. "_Who_ finally woke up?"

"Alex," Lexie said quickly, before understanding washed over her face. "Oh..."

Meredith inhaled sharply. "What happened to Alex?" She demanded. "They told me he was fine. They told me you and he were helping out at Seattle Pres."

"He got shot. Mark and I...we found him on the elevator. He lost a lot of blood. We did what we could here, but...there was a lot of blood. He was in a coma, but he woke up. Yesterday, he woke up."

"Why would no one tell me?" Meredith demanded, spinning around. One look at her husband told her he was just as surprised as she was. Just as shocked. She turned back to Lexie. "What room is he in?"

She shook her head. "He's at Seattle Pres. We got him out while the hospital was still on lockdown. Altman operated at Seattle Pres."

"And he's awake now?"

Lexie hesitated. "Sort of. He wakes up, but he's confused. And doesn't remember much. And doesn't stay awake for long."

Meredith felt tears sting her eyes. "He's not okay."

"I...don't know. He lost a lot of blood. He's fighting an infection, probably because he lay in the elevator for so long and then Mark and I had to use the conference room as a trauma room. His ICPs are elevated. His kidneys and his liver are sluggish. His heart is still weak."

"Is he fighting?"

"I...I don't know," Lexie said meekly.

Tears now fell from Meredith's eyes. _This_ was what Cristina had been hiding from her, what had her acting strange at times. _This_ was the reason Altman kept going to Seattle Presbyterian. She released a shuddery breath. "Why isn't he here? He should be here, at Grace. This is his home."

Lexie swallowed hard. "He's not stable enough for transit. They thought he was stabilizing, when he woke up, but then his white count spiked and..." She trailed off.

Meredith wiped the tears from her eyes. "Who's with him now?"

"He's asleep," Lexie stated. "And I...needed to get away...for a bit. I needed to. And I wanted to see you."

"So you left him alone? You left him?"

"I didn't...leave him. Just...needed a break."

Meredith shook her head. "Everyone has left him, Lexie. You can't just leave him alone now. This is Alex." A hand fell against the small of her back, and Meredith spun around to meet Derek's eyes. He was now standing right behind her. "What are you... Sit down. You need to sit down."

"I'm okay," he said quietly.

"But-"

"I'm okay," he repeated. "I'm supposed to be up when I can, remember?" He offered her a smile. "Go see Alex."

"I can't," she stammered. "He's all the way across town and..." She trailed off as she swallowed a sob. "I can't just leave you here."

He furrowed his brow before offering her a reassuring smile. "Meredith, I'm in pain. I'm drugged. Food makes me nauseous. And I can barely walk to the bathroom. But I'm okay. I'm stable. And mom's good company. You can go and see Alex. He's your family. He needs you."


	15. Chapter 15

Seattle Presbyterian was a much more economical hospital than Seattle Grace. Narrow hallways. Small rooms. Little Colour. No decoration.

A sea of colourful scrubs and lab coats flowed across the path from the front lobby to the ICU that held Alex. Meredith followed her sister as they made their way through the currents of stressed hospital staff struggling to keep their own heads above water as they dealt with the overflow from Seattle Grace. This wasn't a situation the city had faced before. Not only were the emergencies being rerouted to Mercy West, but pre-existing patients had been transferred as well.

"He's just up here," Lexie called as they reached the ICU department. "He's actually got a room to himself, so he's lucky."

_Lucky_. It almost made Meredith laugh. Having your own hospital room didn't make you lucky. Being hospitalized wasn't lucky. Being shot in a hospital wasn't lucky. Being shot, period, wasn't lucky.

When they reached Alex's room the door was open.

Meredith felt her breath catch when her eyes fell on Alex's prone form. He was pale and still in the small hospital bed. For a man who hid his real self away from the rest of the world, Meredith had never expected to see him so weak. So vulnerable.

"Alex," she whispered, not waiting for Lexie as she walked through the door to stand by the head of the bed. After a moment of hesitation, she reached a hand to stroke his head, before turning to her sister, who was teary-eyed and standing in the doorway. "His oxygen sat is low. Why isn't he on a vent?"

"He was," Lexie said quietly. "He fought it; when he woke up. We took him off."

"That was yesterday morning."

Lexie finally stepped into the room, even going so far as to offer Meredith a small smile. "They've tried to re-intubate him, but he fights it."

Meredith returned the smile. That sounded like Alex. She reached to stroke his head again, before shaking her own. "I'm so sorry, Alex. I'm so sorry I wasn't here sooner."

She pulled her cell phone out of her pocket, checked to see if anyone had called even though she knew they hadn't because she'd checked it five times since leaving Seattle Grace, set it down on the small table by the head of the bed and then sat. The chair was cold and hard and nothing like the one by Derek's bedside.

"It's cold in here," she mumbled. "He's cold." The skin of his forehead had been cool under her touch. And his body was covered in several blankets.

"They tried a heat blanket, but his temperature spiked."

Meredith nodded, glancing at the monitor. His temperature was elevated, despite the fact that he was cool to the touch. A product of the infection. "What was his last white count?"

"I don't know." Lexie stammered. "Elevated, but...I don't know how much."

"How can you not know?" Meredith demanded.

"I...they didn't tell me. They just said it was still high."

Meredith bit back the impulse to take her anger at the situation out on Lexie. If it were Meredith in Lexie's situation, she would know every result of every test. Hell, it was Meredith. She knew every test result Derek had had since the moment he had become a patient in his own hospital. She was on top of everything.

But Lexie wasn't like her.

Lexie was Meredith's sister through genetics and recent history only. They hadn't grown up the same. They didn't share childhood experiences or a parental figure. Thatcher Grey had given Lexie a wonderful childhood, sheltered her from pain and raised her to trust and love and hope, a set of characteristics that contrasted strongly with the qualities he had bestowed upon Meredith.

Where Lexie had barely been exposed to the bad that the world had to offer, Meredith had barely experienced the good. She adapted better to these kinds of circumstances.

"Find out," she said quietly. "Next time he gets tests, make sure to ask."

Lexie nodded. "Okay." She slowly sat down on Alex's other side.

Meredith reached along the side of the blanket for Alex's hand. It was cold too. "How often is he awake?"

"Uh, yesterday he was awake a lot. Today...not much."

"Was he lucid when he woke up yesterday?"

"Mostly. He wasn't all that conscious, but he was answered a few questions. He said he wasn't in pain, so that's a good thing."

Meredith sighed, knowing Alex would never admit to pain. She squeezed his hand and hoped he wasn't in pain now. "What does he say when he wakes up? Does he remember what happened?"

"I didn't ask if he remembered. I...guess I don't really want to know. I want for him not to remember anything. He didn't deserve this."

"No one deserves this."

"That's not true," Lexie said quietly.

Meredith sighed, knowing her sister was blaming herself, and not knowing if she had the energy to convince her otherwise. Derek had almost died and was in a hospital room across the city. She had lost a baby her husband still didn't know about. And Alex was in front of her, fighting for his life. Meredith didn't have the mental capacity to give her sister a therapy session now.

"It was my fault," Lexie continued. "I took his wife off the vent."

"It was his wife's wishes," Meredith countered.

"Still...if I hadn't done it, none of this would have happened."

"But there was no way to have known. If the same thing happened tomorrow, you'd do the same thing. You'd have to."

"But-"

"The only person at fault was Clarke. No one else."

Lexie nodded and her eyes shifted to Alex. She shifted, but made no move to touch him.

Meredith felt her brow furrow as she watched the interaction, or rather, lack of interaction. "You okay?"

Lexie met her eyes again. "It should have been me."

"Don't say that."

"But it's true. Alex had nothing to do with this. Nothing."

"Neither did the eleven people he killed and all the others he hurt."

Lexie sighed as tears started to run down her cheeks. "He found me, you know. He pointed a gun at me."

Meredith nodded. "Me too."

Lexie's tears increased. "SWAT was there, in the distance. They shot him; that's how I got away. If they hadn't been there..."

"But they were."

"How did you get away?"

_I didn't,_ she was tempted to say. "He, uh, was after Derek. Avery was quick enough to pull Derek's leads off, so it looked like he died. Then Clarke left."

"That was smart."

Meredith nodded. It was smart. She just wished she had known what was going on. If she had, maybe things would have ended differently if she hadn't been made to believe that her husband was dying right in front of her.

The door opened, cutting off any further conversation.

"I'm just here to check his vitals," called out the very authoritative voice of a middle aged ICU nurse. Normally nurses worked one on one with ICU patients, but the overflow, they were obviously stretched thin.

The nurse glanced at Meredith. "It's family only in the ICU."

"I'm family," Meredith said evenly.

The nurse shot her a look that said she didn't believe her, but didn't have the time to argue. She made a quick glance to Alex's monitors and made some notes in his chart.

"Can you tell me what his white count was this morning?" Meredith asked.

"That information is for medical personnel only," the nurse said without looking up.

"I'm a doctor," Meredith supplied.

"Then you should know cell phones aren't allowed in hospitals."

"Cell phones have been proven not to interfere with hospital equipment," Meredith countered, reacting to the nurse's attitude. She understood that Seattle Presbyterian was stretched to their limits, but the nurse hadn't even looked at Alex yet.

The nurse huffed. "They're disruptive. And not permitted here."

Meredith took a breath. "I'm not planning on using it."

"Then you won't mind turning it off."

"Yes, I would," she returned sharply. "My husband was shot in the chest four days ago and almost died. He's lying in a hospital bed across town. And I just found out Alex was here. So, no, I'm not turning off my phone. They need to be able to contact me if anything happens with my husband."

The nurse had the decency to look sorry. "You can keep the phone on," she relented. "Just please keep it on low."

"It is."

"Good." She closed the chart. "The doctor should be in soon," she stated, before leaving the room.

Meredith sighed. "I guess we'll have to wait for information. Is Altman still his primary?"

Lexie shook her head. "She did the surgery, but once he was stable, cardiac wise, Dr. Hopper took over."

"Dr. Hopper?"

"He's in internal medicine. Older. Nice, but rushed."

Meredith nodded. "Hopefully he'll be here soon."

He wasn't. It was over an hour before the older doctor appeared.

"I've got his most recent test results," he said without any pre-amble. "Nothing has changed since this morning."

"What are his levels?" Meredith asked.

Dr. Hopper shifted his eyes to Meredith, looking surprised to see another person in the room. "And you are?"

"Dr. Meredith Grey," she explained. "Lexie is my sister and Alex is my family."

Dr. Hopped considered her for a long moment, before passing her the chart. "They're not good, but we still hold some hope for Alexander. I've seen people come back from worse."

"Alex," Meredith corrected. "He hates Alexander. And have more than some hope. He's a fighter."

Dr, Hopper nodded solemnly. "So I've been told. Unfortunately, we haven't seen proof of that. There's only so much we can do. He's not offering much help."

Meredith nodded as she flipped open the chart. Like the charts at Seattle Grace, paperwork was filed in counter order, so the most recent results were on the top. The first document showed her Alex was in bad shape. The rest said he wasn't improving. "Come on, Alex," she mumbled as she flipped through ever test. Dr. Hopper was right; Alex wasn't fighting.

"We're not giving up on him," Dr. Hopped supplied, although Meredith could tell he was offering her comfort, and not much actual hope for Alex.

"How soon can we transfer him to Grace?"

"You work there?"

She nodded.

"I was still under the impression that your hospital was closed to trauma and new admissions."

Meredith ignored the irritation in his voice, knowing he wasn't angry with her hospital, just the situation. The damage caused by Mr. Clarke's rampage extended further than she had realized. How many patients were suffering now with the city's medical care ability stretched to the limit?

"I'm sure we can talk them into taking him," she offered. "It's his home. They can't say no." She glanced at Lexie. "We can talk to Webber; they've made him interim Chief."

"Richard Webber? Wasn't he the previous Chief?" Hopper asked.

Meredith nodded.

Hopper furrowed his brow. "What happened to Shepherd?"

Despite her determination to believe her husband was fine across the city without her, Meredith felt her eyes well. She had been gone for almost two hours, and this was the second time she had left him today. She glanced at her cell phone. No missed calls. "He's, uh..."

"Oh," Hopper said quietly, understanding filling his voice. "I hadn't heard."

"He's not dead," Meredith said quickly. "He's..."

"He's going to be okay," Lexie spoke up, glancing at Meredith, and then back to Hopper. "He's my sister's husband," she said a little quieter.

Hopper sighed. "I'm so sorry, Dr. Grey."

"Thank you," she said quietly.

"My prayers are with you and your husband, and your friend, here."

Meredith smiled, and repeated, "Thank you. They're both going to be fine. Derek is stable. And Alex _will_ stabilize." She passed him back the chart.

"I hope you're right."

It was ten minutes after Hopper left that Meredith looked up to find her sister in tears. Again. "Lexie..."

Lexie shook her head. "This is all so... Why did this happen?"

"Because Mr. Clarke was a psychopath. But it's going to be okay. Alex is going to be okay."

"You don't know that," Lexie insisted. "He could die. He's probably going to die."

"No, he's not," Meredith hissed. "Stop saying that. He could hear you."

"You don't know," Lexie continued. "I've been sitting here for days. _Days_. And nothing is changing. He was in a coma. And then he woke up, and we thought he would be okay. And now he's..." She shook her head again. "And Mark keeps showing up to check on him, except I know he's actually here to check on me. And I just...I _don't_ know what to do."

"You sit here and you hold his hand and you tell him to fight," Meredith said, squeezing Alex's hand.

"Not about that."

"Then what?"

"He saved my life."

"Alex?"

"Mark."

Meredith ran a hand across her face, trying to adapt to the new topic. "What?"

"Mr. Clarke was shooting at us. Mark threw me down and protected me. He was getting me out when we found Alex."

"He loves you," Meredith said. "You knew that. And you chose to be with Alex."

"Because he left me. And then suddenly he wants me back, and practically asks me to marry him."

"You broke up with him," Meredith pointed out.

"But he practically left me first. He was going to let her move in with us without even asking me."

"She's his daughter."

"But I was there first. I deserved...something. Notice. Understanding. He _chose_ her over me."

"She's his daughter," Meredith repeated. "His _daughter_. He stepped up, and he has my respect for doing so. He's not perfect, but he found out he had a daughter and he freaking stepped up. If you left him because you couldn't handle the situation, that's fine, but don't blame Mark."

"But he picked her," Lexie said again. "I gave him the choice."

Meredith sighed. She was quickly reaching the end of her rope. Alex was maybe dying right in front of them, and Lexie was ranting about her love life. For months, Meredith had been telling her sister to stop sleeping with Alex, knowing it wouldn't end well, but Lexie hadn't listened. And the last thing Meredith needed to deal with now was this. "No, you didn't give him a choice," she said truthfully. "The moment you asked him to choose, the decision was already made. He stuck by his daughter. And from a girl whose father didn't stick by her, that means everything."

Lexie regarded her for a long moment as understanding washed over her. "You think he was in the right."

"I do."

"I screwed up."

Meredith sighed. "You're young. If you couldn't deal with your boyfriend having an eighteen year old pregnant daughter, that's not your fault. And I don't blame you for wanting out. But doing it by asking him to choose..." She trailed off.

"I screwed up," Lexie said again.

"That's for you to decide."

"What do I do?"

"You have to decide what you want, who you want to be with."

"How do I do that?"

Meredith almost smiled, wondering when she had become the older sister who was an expert in relationships. "Imagine your future," she said simply. "Imagine yourself in ten years. Or twenty. Who's there beside you?" It was how Meredith had gained the confidence to build the house of candles. She had made significant progress in her therapy; to the point where she had been able to imagine herself with a future. And every happy future scenario she could imagine had included Derek.

Lexie exhaled. "I'll try that."

"You don't have to decide now. But if you do, no matter who you choose, you can't leave Alex alone now. He needs you to sit with him and hold his hand and tell him he's going to be okay. He needs you to fight for him."

"Okay," she said, but still didn't make a move to touch him.

"Why don't you take a walk," Meredith suggested. "Get some air. Have something to eat. I'll sit with him."

Lexie hesitated, and then nodded. "Okay."

"You're going to be fine," Meredith told Alex after Lexie left. She squeezed his hand. "Do you hear me? You're going to be fine."

Alex's eyelids fluttered.

Meredith stood and leaned over the bed, her free hand falling onto his shoulder. "Alex? Are you awake? Open your eyes, Alex."

He groaned, but his eyes stayed shut.

"That's good, but you need to open your freaking eyes and prove to me that you're awake."

His eyelids fluttered, and then opened halfway.

She smiled down at him. "Hey," she said softly. "I knew you were awake."

He blinked twice, and then his eyes shut.

"It's Meredith," she offered. "I'm sorry I haven't been here. I just found out."

"Mmm'dith," he mumbled, his eyes opening again.

"That's right. Meredith."

A fuzzy look of recognition passed over his face. He was lucid enough to know who she was. That was good.

"I'm sorry I haven't been here yet," she said again.

"Where?"

"Here. At Seattle Pres. You were shot. Do you remember?"

His eyes closed for a long moment, and she almost thought he had fallen back to sleep. "Heard a...bang," she mumbled, his eyes still closed. "Reed... Then me."

"I'm so sorry, Alex."

"Shooter?"

"Dead," she said quickly, at first being angry with her sister for not telling Alex this, and then wondering if she had told him and he had forgotten. "He was the husband of a patient who died. He was looking for revenge. He eventually shot himself."

"'s bad," he slurred.

"It was bad. Lots of people died, but you are not going to join them. Do you hear me, Alex? You are not going to die."

He didn't respond.

"Alexander Michael Karev! You are not. Going. To. Die."

He opened his eyes.

Meredith flinched at what she saw. He was hurting. Scared. In pain.

Defeated.

Life had thrown all it had at Alex since he was a little kids. Abuse. Pain. Betrayal. Death. Sickness. Loss. This could very well be his finally straw. But not if Meredith had anything to say about it.

"Don't you dare look at me like that," she demanded. "Don't you dare. You are not allowed to die, do you hear me? You are not allowed to give up. I gave up once. I got knocked off the pier and I didn't swim. I gave up. And you know what? It was stupid. It was stupid and selfish and weak. And I got lucky. And I got to live past it and realized how good life can be."

"'s hard."

"I know it's hard. I watched my husband get shot, knelt in his blood as I held a hand over the hole in his chest, and then almost watched him die when the psycho with the gun found us in the OR. I had a gun held to my head. I watched Cristina have a gun held to her head. I watched Hunt get shot." She shook her head. "And then I had a miscarriage from all the stress. But you know what? I _know_ things will get better. I believe that we all deserve to be happy. So, Alex, you do not get to give up. Because life, no matter how bad it gets, is worth living. Because it will get better. And you _will_ be happy."

He stared at her through unsteady eyes as he processed her words. "Sorry."

She sniffed, knowing what he was referring to. "Me too. But it will get better. Derek is going to be okay, and we are going to have our chatty kids with perfect hair one day. And you're going to be Uncle Alex, so you need to get better. You aren't allowed to not be okay. Okay?"

His eyes closed.

"You're my family," she continued. "I don't have very many people I can call family, but you're one of them. People need you, Alex. I need you. Who else is going to be a girl for me when I need it? I love you, Alex. Please. Please, don't give up. Life sucks right now, but it will get better. I promise."

His eyes opened, and he stared at her for a long moment before his eyes shut again. And then he squeezed her hand.

"Thank you," she breathed, understanding what he was telling her. "You're going to be okay. We're all going to be okay."

_**AN: I just wanted to say that I don't have anything against Lexie. The way I see it, the poor girl is already conflicted and she's been sitting by Alex's bed for days, while he's lying there, maybe dying. Lexie means well, and although she's in a similar situation to her sister, she's not used to dealing with much trauma and she doesn't have the family support Meredith now has from the Shepherds. I'm not going to focus much at all on the whole Alex/Lexie/Mark triangle thing after this chapter; I just look at it as a window into a completely different story that's going on alongside this one.**_

_**Also, I really want to thank everyone who is supporting this story. I know it's slow paced, but I wanted the writing to mirror a hospital recovery to a point. Recovery is slow, often painfully slow, especially at first. But it's speeding up now...**_


	16. Chapter 16

_ The material of her black dress was rough against her skin, but Meredith didn't mind. In fact, it was a welcome distraction from her surroundings. This wasn't an event she had ever planned to attend; at least not now. Not this soon. In fifty years, maybe. Seventy if he got his wish. Never if she got hers._

_ The church was large. Airy. Beautiful, had it not been for the mourners. She was pretty sure this was the church that had almost held their wedding. Now it was the church that held his funeral._

_ Funeral._

_ It was supposed to be a celebration of life, but how could you celebrate a life that had ended so suddenly, so unfairly? A single bullet to the chest. And it was over._

_ Meredith could remember the little girl she had saved. The little girl had shot her father seventeen times. Seventeen. And her father had survived. How was it fair that an abusive husband and father could survive seventeen bullets, while Derek, protective and loyal and loving, had succumbed to one?_

_ One hundred and ten. That had been his plan. His dream. He had wanted to die when he was one hundred and ten. In her arms._

_ He had been a good man. A doctor. He saved lives no one else could. He never stopped fighting. Never stopped caring. Should he then get his wish? Didn't he deserve those one hundred and ten years?_

_ Instead, he got a little more than a third of that._

_ It wasn't fair._

_ It wasn't fair that one morning Meredith had a husband and a baby on the way, and by the evening she had nothing. She had watched her husband die, and then she had lost the baby they had created together._

_ He hadn't wanted her to be alone if something ever happened to him, but she was alone now._

_ Alone._

_ A widow._

_ And Derek would hate it. She could only hope that wherever he was, he wasn't blaming himself._

_ Wherever he was, she could only hope he was happy._

_ No one in the church was happy._

_ Carolyn and her four remaining children sat silently along the pew beside Meredith. All dressed in identical black dresses and veils. They were still, staring at the front of the church, where the minister droned on and on about how good of a person Derek had been._

_ Her eyes stung, but she didn't cry. Derek wouldn't want her to cry._

_ He also wouldn't want this. His family and friends mourning his death. A minister he had never met talking like he knew him._

_ God, she missed him. She had wanted that forever so much. And to lose it like this..._

_ He would have been an amazing father. And they would have had beautiful children._

_ She wouldn't have children now, she knew. Just like she knew she'd never remarry._

_ Derek was all those things she'd never believed in before. Her soul mate. Her other half. The love of her life._

_ She'd never replace him._

_ She didn't want to._

_ A silence fell over the church, and she looked up, wondering when the faceless minister had become Mr. Clarke. In a eulogy of sorts, he went on and on about how horrible of a person Derek was, about how he was a murderer. _

_ Meredith tried to stop him. She yelled out, but no one listened. No one even turned their head. She stood, trying to get to him, but the world titled and she almost fell. She caught herself on the edge of the pew, looking for help. But there was no one in the crowd that she recognized, save for the five Shepherd women whose attention she couldn't get._

_ Cristina had survived the shooting. She should be here. But Meredith couldn't see her. She had known her best friend didn't always like her husband, but that wouldn't stop her from coming to the funeral... Right?_

_ And Alex. He should be here. Or was he dead too? Meredith couldn't remember. She knew he had been shot, but couldn't remember if he had survived._

_ George and Izzy were gone too. One of them had died. The other had left. But try as she might, she couldn't remember which was which._

_ Her mother had died; she remembered that. Not that Ellis would have helped her anyway._

_ And Susan was gone. Dead. An innocent by-product of the side of medicine Meredith didn't understand._

_ Lexie wasn't there either. She wasn't used to this. She couldn't handle it. She was the sheltered daughter; the one daddy had loved. The chosen one._

_ Mark. Mark should be here. He was Derek's best friend. Why couldn't she see him?_

_ Tears started running down her cheeks, but she couldn't stop them. Mr. Clarke was still going on and on about how horrible Derek had been, and how much better the world was without him._

_ "No!" She screamed. "No!"_

"Meredith!"

She woke with a start. Jenna was standing over her, a hand on her shoulder, her eyes filled with concern.

Meredith inhaled sharply and sat up, quickly wiping the tears from her cheeks.

"Are you okay? You were crying."

She nodded. "I'm fine. Just a...dream. Just a stupid dream." Her eyes landed on her husband's form, lying in the hospital bed across the room. Her husband's living, breathing form. He was alive.

For what felt like an eternity, Meredith could breathe.

"Are you sure? It seemed bad."

Meredith nodded, grateful that Jenna had been the only person to witness her nightmare. When she had gotten back from Seattle Presbyterian, Derek had been asleep and the room had been empty. It had been close to dinner time, so Meredith had assumed the Shepherds had gone to eat. After assuring herself that Derek was okay, she had laid down on the couch, thinking she could sleep without the nightmares after doing so the night before. Unfortunately, it seemed Derek had kept the nightmares away the night before.

Ignoring the still concerned look on Jenna's face, Meredith stood and made her way to Derek's bedside. She brushed her fingers along his forehead, and then sat, clutching to his hand.

"He was awake for hours after you left," Jenna supplied, sitting across from her. "Even went for a walk down the hall. When he finally fell asleep it was almost five, so we thought we'd have an early night. I just came back to check on him. And you."

"That's good," Meredith murmured, her eyes still on her husband.

"How's your friend?" Jenna asked carefully.

"He's going to be okay. He just...needs to fight."

Jenna nodded. She was silent for several moments before speaking again. "What was the dream about?"

Meredith shook her head. "I don't remember."

"I don't believe you." Jenna's voice was quiet, but firm, reminding Meredith that she was a doctor and a mother.

Meredith stayed silent.

"Look, I wasn't there, when my dad died. But that didn't stop the nightmares I had after it. And I would always say I didn't remember them, but I always did. And it helped, when I finally talked about them."

Meredith sighed. After moving from one bedside to the other today, she didn't have the will to pretend. "His funeral. It was about his funeral."

Jenna inhaled. "I had a few of those."

"They're always different. Like my mind is coming up with every bad scenario it can. And Clarke's always there."

"The shooter?"

Meredith nodded. "I can't get the look in his eyes out of my head. There was no remorse. No hesitation. He _wanted_ to pull the trigger."

"I thought you saw the shooting for a distance?"

"I did."

"Then how..." Jenna trailed off. "What else happened that day?"

Meredith shook her head. "It's not important."

"Meredith, it's okay to talk about it."

"I can't. Not now."

"Okay, but I'm here to listen, if you want. When you're ready."

Meredith looked up to meet the caring eyes of her sister-in-law. "Thank you."

Jenna nodded, and the two women fell into comfortable silence for twenty minutes. "Well," Jenna finally spoke up, "I think I'll go. I assume you're staying here again tonight?"

Meredith nodded.

"Then I'll see you both tomorrow morning."

"Okay."

The door closed behind Jenna, and Derek shifted at the noise.

"Hey," she murmured, running her hand along his forearm. "It's just the door. Go back to sleep."

Instead, his eyes opened, and eventually he turned his head to meet her gaze. "Mer..."

"Hey," she said again, standing so she could lean over the bed and kiss him.

"Hey," he returned, his voice thick with sleep. "What time is it?"

Meredith glanced at the clock on the wall. "A little after seven."

"How's Alex?"

"He's..." She trailed off as she fought off tears. "He's going to be okay. I told him he wasn't allowed to not be okay."

"'s an interesting treatment plan."

She laughed. "Yeah, well, sometimes people need to be reminded to fight. They need to be reminded of what they do have."

He squeezed her hand. "My reminder is right in front of me. All the time. Saying things."

Meredith smiled as her eyes welled again. "Corny," she mumbled before kissing him again.

"Maybe." He attempted a shrug, and then winced at the movement. "Are you ready for our date?"

"Our date?"

He offered her a warm smile. "I believe you promised me a 'wheel' after dinner."

She nodded as she remembered their earlier conversation. It seemed like so much longer ago that it actually was.

His smile fell away as his expression became concerned. "It's okay if you're not up to it," he offered. "We can go tomorrow."

Meredith smiled at his concern. "No, it's okay. I want to go. I just forgot."

"Hmm, only married a year and already you're forgetting about our plans..."

She giggled, and he smiled in response, obviously pleased with himself for making her laugh.

"I'll get a wheelchair," she said, pecking his lips one more time before leaving the room and heading done the hall for a wheelchair. When she returned Derek was sitting up on the side of the bed.

"Do you need anything before we go?"

He shook his head.

"Okay." She locked the wheelchair in place and watched as he carefully inched himself off the bed. It was a painful process, one she had seen many times on post-op cardiac patients. But it had never hurt this much to watch.

When he was finally on his feet, he was hunched over, breathing hard.

"You should use a pillow," she said quietly, pulling one off the bed and handing it to him.

"Thanks," he mumbled when the pillow was pressed against his chest.

Meredith ran a hand over his shoulder before reaching for his IV bag, holding it up until he was settled, and then hooking it onto the built in pole on the wheelchair. "Do you want a blanket?"

He shook his head. "Temperature regulation has gotten better. I'll be fine."

She hesitated, but noted that he was wearing sweatpants and a heavy top. "I guess we're off, then." She opened the door, and then released the lock on the wheelchair. She paused when her hands fell onto the handles of the chair. "I'm realizing we made a time for this date, but didn't choose a location. Any ideas?"

"I want to go outside," he said quietly.

"It's getting kind of late." The sun was setting, taking the warmth of the day with it.

He sighed. "Please, Mer. Just for a few minutes. I haven't been outside since..." Since he was shot.

She patted his shoulder. "Okay." There was a closed patient garden at the back of the hospital. She could take him there.

They received several smiles and nods and words of encouragement as they made their way through the halls to the central elevators. Although Meredith knew Derek wouldn't want this type of attention, she smiled at how well he accepted it. When they reached the elevators, she stilled the chair and then left it momentarily to push the call button.

The elevator on the left came, and Meredith couldn't help but smile as she pushed the wheelchair onto it. When the doors shut, she bent forward and snaked an arm around Derek's neck, hugging him from behind.

His hand lifted to grasp her forearm.

"This is our elevator," she murmured, pressing her cheek to his.

His hand squeezed her arm. "This is where you agreed to spend the rest of your life with me."

"I did."

"Any regrets?"

She frowned at the question. "Not a single one. And there won't be, Derek. I love you."

"I know. It's just... This isn't easy."

"None of this was your fault."

"I know that too; at least I'm starting to. But regardless of whose fault it is, it happened. And it's not easy."

Meredith sighed. "No, it's not easy," she agreed. "But I'm not going anywhere. No running, remember? I will be here every single day. I can handle this."

His hand clutched to her arm a little harder. "Good. Because I'm not always sure I can," he admitted with a wobble in his voice. And that was the crux of it. He had experienced the same horror as his father, but he had survived. Now he was weak and in pain. He had a long recovery ahead of him. And he knew it.

"Oh, Derek," she murmured. "It's going to get better. It's only been four days. Look how far you've come already."

Any response he may have had was lost when the elevator stopped on the ground floor. Meredith pressed a kiss to the side of his neck and released him, her hands finding the handles of the wheelchair as she started to push him towards the back of the hospital.

With the late time of day and the lack of patients, the garden was empty, something Meredith was grateful for. She stopped the wheelchair next to a bench and put on the breaks.

"Recovery sucks," she stated as she sat beside him. "But you are doing very well."

"I can barely go to the bathroom on my own," he said quietly. "It's a challenge to walk down a hall or stay awake for more than a couple hours."

"Yes, but a few days ago you couldn't stand at all and had trouble staying awake for more than a couple _minutes_. Not to mention the catheter. That's progress, Derek."

"I guess."

She sighed, reaching for his hand. "We need something to look forward to," she said suddenly.

"What?"

"We need something to look forward to," she repeated. "For after you're better. Like...a trip."

"A trip?"

"Mmm-hmm." She nodded. "We can plan it now, and when you're better we'll go."

"A trip where?"

"Wherever we want. We can consider it as the honeymoon we didn't have time to take."

"Okay." He smiled. "Where do you want to go?"

"How about a trip around the world?"

He chuckled, before making a face at the pain it caused. "That sounds like a long trip. We might not be able to get leave, especially after this..."

"Okay, so somewhere we can go for a week or two. Do you want to go somewhere relaxing with a beach, or a sight-seeing history type trip?"

Derek was quiet for a long moment. "I like the beach idea, but my scars will still be pretty pink."

"Don't think about that. No one will care."

"People will stare."

She sighed and leaned her head against his shoulder. "Then let them stare. I'm scarred too," she said, reminding him of the hockey-stick shaped scar across her abdomen from her liver donation. "We'll match."

"I like the idea of a sight-seeing trip too," he continued. "I'm just not sure how much I'll be up to."

"We don't have to decide right now. We'll do some research first. Make an informed decision."

"Okay."

They fell silent for several minutes, enjoying the outside air, her head still resting on his shoulder.

"A trip's a good idea, Mer," he eventually whispered.

She smiled. "Good."

"I love you," he said quietly. "More than anything else in the world."

Meredith lifted her head to meet his eyes. She reached a hand to cup his cheek. "I love you too, Derek. Just as much."

"I was so scared. And it hurt so much. But you being there made it better; made it bearable." He swallowed hard. "If you hadn't been there, I wouldn't have made it."

She sniffed. "Well, then it's a good thing I was there."

"Even if someone else had been there," he continued, shaking his head. "It was _you_ that made me fight."

She cupped his face with both hands. "You made me fight too, when I needed to. You saved me too."

His eyes welled and he nodded.

Meredith leaned close and kissed him hard, reminding them both that they were each there. That they had survived. "No more near death experiences," she declared when she pulled away.

He released a laughing breath. "Agreed."

She smiled and allowed herself to get lost in his deep, blue eyes, for a moment forgetting to guard herself.

After a long moment, Derek lifted a hand to brush against her cheek. "There's still something."

"Something?"

"Yeah. There's still something...in your eyes."

Of course he knew. He could read her better than anyone else in the world. As less drugs were introduced into his system, he was better apt to read her. It had only been a matter of time.

"Derek..." She breathed. She didn't want to tell him. It would hurt him. But she had promised. She had promised sleeping him that she would tell awake him. Tears welled in her eyes and flowed down her cheeks. She didn't want to hurt him, not now. Not when he was already struggling.

He sighed and shifted, his hands pulling away from hers and settling onto the arm rests of the wheelchair.

"What are you doing?"

"I want to sit with my wife," he said, gritting his teeth as he struggled to stand.

"No, Derek. Stop. Don't hurt yourself."

"I want to sit with you."

"Okay, just...wait." She stood, and then crouched down to move the footrests out of the way. "Use the pillow."

He did as she asked, rocking forward to stand instead of trying to push himself up.

Meredith watched carefully to ensure the IV line would reach. When he was sitting securely on the bench, she sat close beside him.

"You've been sad," he whispered, staring into her eyes. "For days, you've been sad. At first I thought you were scared from what had happened. But, like you said, I'm getting better. And the look in your eyes isn't going away."

She felt her eyes fill with tears as she stared at him, his form getting blurry. "I don't want to tell you," she whispered in response. "I know I have to, but it's going to hurt you. And you don't deserve it. _We _don't deserve it. Not after everything."

He swallowed, obviously worried. "Did he do something to you?"

"No. Well, yes, but...indirectly." She sniffed and closed her eyes for a long moment, collecting herself. This may be the hardest thing she'd ever had to do. When she opened her eyes again, he was still there, the same concern and love lining his eyes. "Tell me you love me," she found herself whispering, needing the strength the words brought.

"I love you," he said without hesitation.

She cupped his face with both hands and stared into his eyes.

"Meredith..."

"I just need...a minute. One more minute with you looking at me like that. Because after I tell you this, the look might change."

He cautiously reached a hand to brush her cheek. "I'll never stop looking at you like this, Meredith. I promise."

She accepted his promise with a kiss, and then granted herself another long moment of calm before the storm. And then she whispered, "I had a miscarriage."

His lips parted at the unexpected words, curving into an 'o' as if he were going to speak, but any words were loss as he exhaled. His eyes blinked, and then re-opened with a pinched looked.

Tears flooded her eyes, but she blinked them away, allowing them to fall heedlessly down her cheeks. She needed to be there for Derek now. "I'm so sorry, Derek. I'm so sorry."

She watched as his eyes welled with tears and he finally found a single word to speak. "When?"

Meredith simply nodded, knowing he knew and just wanted confirmation.

He closed his eyes.

She dropped her hands from his face and reached for his. "I found out that morning," she whispered. "I was going to tell you. I was on my way to tell you when..." She trailed off. "I was happy. Really, freaking happy." It hurt to say these things out loud, but they were things he needed to hear. They had both lost something precious that day, something they would never get back.

His eyes opened, and she recognized the sense of loss mixed with the inability to fully understand, knowing her own eyes shone with the same qualities. "Mer..."

"It was too much," she said quietly. "The stress. Everything. And it happened so fast..." She trailed off and swallowed hard. "I was fine, and then...I wasn't."

"It wasn't your fault," he whispered.

She nodded, releasing a breath. She hadn't expected him to blame her, but she had known it would kill her if he did. "I was happy," she repeated. "I know it wasn't planned, but...it didn't matter. The second I found out I was happy."

"We were going to have a baby," he murmured.

The tears continued to stream down her cheeks. "Yeah." She nodded. "And we still will. Just not...as soon as we were."

His eyes flickered as his expression changed; a hint of concern adding to the boiling pot of emotions behind his eyes. "Are you okay?"

"No, not really," she said honestly. "I never realized how much you could miss something you only knew about for a few hours." Love, she realized. She had _loved_ the baby. Immediately and indescribably and forever.

He nodded. "But are you...okay? It's been four days."

She attempted to offer him a smile. It came off wobbly and uncertain, but at least it was something. "I'm fine. I got the 'these things happen, try again in a couple months' speech." She'd heard the speech before, had given it to patients, but she had never realized how little comfort it offered until she had been on the receiving end.

"I'm sorry."

"None of this was your fault, Derek," she said, repeating the mantra she had said many times in the past four days. "This is just another addition to the list of things that are _his_ fault. Please, don't blame yourself. I can't...I can't deal with you blaming yourself, not when it's hard enough to remind myself it's not _my_ fault."

His arm slowly reached around her, weakly pulling her to him. She tried to resist, not wanting to hurt him, but eventually gave up avoiding the comfort her body so desperately needed. Her face found the crook of his neck as she hugged the side of his body, avoiding his chest. His right arm closed around her as tightly as it could.

"Oh," she sobbed. "This isn't fair. It's not fair."

"I know," he murmured. He didn't try and remind her again that it wasn't her fault, because they both knew it wasn't. Just like they both knew it wasn't his fault. Just like they both knew that they were the same; they liked to blame themselves, even when there was nothing they could have done differently.

Despite Meredith's determination to comfort Derek through this, she couldn't bring herself to pull away. She'd been living in hell for days, and the only person in the world that could chase her demons away was Derek. "I was happy," she cried quietly.

"I would have been too."

"I was going to tell you that night."

"The things you had to talk to be about."

"Mmm-hmm."

"Do you know...how far along...?"

She finally found the strength to lift her head. "Not long. A couple weeks, maybe."

"The conference room?"

Meredith smiled softly at the memory of her somewhat awkward, but successful, attempt to seduce her husband when she had been made aware of April Kepner's feelings towards him. "Maybe."

"I guess we'll never know."

"No. We won't."

His eyes pinched again.

She leaned in to kiss him. "Life sucks right now. This whole thing sucks. And I wish it never happened. But I don't want it to stop us from living our life. I love you, Derek, and I want you. It took me a long time to realize just how much, to understand it. But I do now. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want to have your kids." Her eyes stung as she said it, but this time she didn't cry.

"You want to try," he whispered, understanding exactly what she was telling him.

"Yes," she confirmed without hesitation. "I want to try. When you're better. And ready."

His hand tugged at the hem of her shirt, pulling her forward, and she leaned in to kiss him in response. "That's something else to look forward to," he whispered when she pulled away. "A reason to get better even faster."

Meredith surprised herself by smiling again. "The trying or the dirty sex?"

He smiled back. "Both."

She cupped his face with her hands again, leaning her forehead against his. "We're not going to let this break us."

"Never," he agreed. "I love you."

"I love you too." She pulled back far enough to meet his eyes, and her heart swelled at what she saw. The look in his eyes hadn't changed. He was hurt and recovering and now mourning the loss of something he hadn't even known about before it had been gone. But he was still looking at her like he had before. Like he always had. Like she was loved and cherished and special. Like she made the pain go away and gave him just as much strength as he gave her.

Nothing would ever break them.


	17. Chapter 17

_**AN: Question: has this site changed sizes on anyone else's browser? It's huge on mine and I can't seem to make it any smaller. It's not my settings, because all other pages are normal size, and my account is still the same size. But the main page, list of shows page and list of stories page are HUGE. The drop down menus across the top of the stories page takes up two lines now instead of one. Does anyone know how to fix this? It's driving me crazy!**_

Meredith was gradually pulled out of the second restful night of sleep she had gotten in the past week by the sound of footsteps padding around the small hospital bed she was sharing with her husband. Derek was sleeping soundly on his back, with her sleeping on her side next to him, her back pressed against the railing of the bed and her forehead resting against his shoulder. She could hear his every inhale and exhale. The fingers of her right hand were curled around his right arm in front of her, and in the comfort of the moment, Meredith had to remind herself not to stretch her hand and arm across his chest and lay her head down on him. Such a simple movement; one she had done hundreds of times, but was now impossible with his injuries.

The third occupant of the room moved again, somewhere on the far side of the bed.

With a sigh, Meredith opened her eyes and lifted her head so she could see who had interrupted her sleep. Her best friend stared back at her, Derek's chart in her hands.

"What time is it?" Meredith asked quietly.

"A little after six," Cristina replied carefully, eyeing Meredith in the way that screamed she knew Meredith had found out about Alex.

Knowing she wouldn't get anymore sleep, Meredith pressed a kiss to Derek's shoulder and sat up. "Why didn't you tell me?"

Cristina sighed. "You had enough to deal with."

"That's not for you to decide," Meredith said, slowly shifting off of the bed.

Cristina looked away, her attention going back to the monitor in front of her. Several minutes passed as she made notes in Derek's chart.

Meredith ran a hand through her hair and sat onto her chair, smiling at her husband's still sleeping form. He looked almost peaceful. There was still a hint of tension on his face, along with dark lines under his eyes, a product of the light and lacking sleep he was getting as a patient. And, of course, the pain didn't help. But when he slept, she could almost pretend like none of this had happened. She could almost pretend that he had just come home from a long and stressful shift and was sleeping it off.

When Cristina had spent as much time as she could get away with updating Derek's chart she snapped it shut with a huff. "Okay. Get it out of your system."

"Get what out of my system?"

"Yell. Rant. Whatever. Get it over with."

"About Alex?"

Cristina nodded.

Meredith sighed and shook her head. "I'm not going to yell at you."

"Don't regress into Old Meredith and keep things bottled up until you explode," she said, rolling her eyes. "Just get it off your chest so we can move on."

"Cristina-"

"And just keep in mind that this isn't just my fault. I wasn't the only one who didn't tell you about Alex."

"Cristina, I'm not mad at you."

"You're...not?"

Meredith shrugged. "You saved my husband's life. And risked your own to do it. That kind of gives you carte blanche for a long time."

Cristina stared at her for a long moment, and then shook her head. "No."

"No?"

"No," Cristina repeated. "That's not us. We piss each other off. We yell. And we move on. This isn't us."

"You're seriously mad at me for _not_ being mad at you?"

"It's not us," she said again.

Meredith cracked a smile. "It's not," she agreed, "But if you actually want me to yell at you it's not going to happen. You were wrong not to tell me, because you of all people know that I should have been told. But you were also right about something else; I have a lot on my plate. I don't have the energy to be mad at you."

Cristina nodded, accepting her statement. "I'm sorry," she added.

Meredith cocked her head. "I don't think I've ever heard you apologize before. Next thing I know you're going to want to hug it out."

Cristina smiled. "Now that's _really_ not us."

"Agreed."

Cristina pulled a chair over to the foot of the bed and sat.

"Only six and you're taking a break already?"

"There aren't exactly a lot of patients right now..."

"Have you heard anything about Alex this morning?"

"Not yet. Lexie usually calls to update me around eight or nine."

"I talked to her last night. Nothing had changed."

"He's Alex. He's resilient."

"Do you go to visit him?"

"Every day."

"Good. He needs us. We're all he's got."

"I know." Cristina nodded. "But I'm not hugging him either."

This made Meredith smile. "He wouldn't want that anyway."

"He'll be okay," Cristina added. "We all will."

"That's surprisingly optimistic of you."

"People change. But whatever. How are you?"

Meredith sighed, glancing to ensure Derek was still asleep. "I told him. Last night."

"And?"

"And I told him. He knows."

"Did he cry?"

"We both did."

"How are you doing with all that?"

"I don't know," Meredith said truthfully. "Still a little numb, I guess. It helped, though, to tell him."

"That's good."

Meredith nodded, blinking away the sting in her eyes as she reached for Derek's hand. "How's Owen?" She asked, changing the subject.

"Stubborn."

"Still ignoring the fact that he got shot?"

Cristina nodded. "I have to threaten or bribe him to keep the sling on, depending on his mood. Seriously. It's been five days and the man seems to think he'll be operating by the end of the week. It'll be at least another couple of weeks before he'll be able to pick up a scalpel, and even then he'll be in pain if he does too much."

Meredith nodded absently, her eyes drifting to Derek's still sleeping face. It wouldn't just be weeks before he would be operating again. It would be months. Other than his self-induced hiatus from the hospital the previous year, she had never known him to not be working on a regular basis. He thrived off of always having something to do; being on top of his workload. His recovery would be hard on him, physically _and_ mentally.

"Anyway, I've just about given up trying to keep him wearing the sling. I should just let him try and go without, and then when he damages his shoulder he can sit there and sulk while I get to operate and hoard it over him."

"That's a little harsh," Meredith said lightly, knowing her friend was just venting.

"He didn't know if he loved me more than Teddy."

"Yeah, but then he braved a psychopath with a gun to come and save you when he could have stayed outside with her. That's very romantic."

"Your husband's given a misconstrued view of what constitutes romantic."

Meredith laughed.

"'s not true," Derek said gruffly from the bed, having just woken up to the last bits of their conversation.

"You gave your wife a dead kidney in a jar," Cristina pointed out.

Derek closed his eyes and took a deep breath, trying to wake up. "You would have liked it," he whispered.

Meredith giggled and squeezed his hand.

"You proposed in an elevator."

He opened his eyes and reached for the bed controls, lifting the back so that he was almost sitting up. "Yeah, but I decorated the elevator."

"With medical scans. To most people, that's not romantic."

"Hey, it was very romantic," Meredith said, standing up for Derek.

"That's exactly my point. He's made _you_ think these things are romantic."

"I would have thought they were romantic anyway."

"If a normal man did them, you wouldn't be thinking that."

Derek groaned and slowly sat up, sliding his legs over the bed. "You ladies obviously don't need me for this conversation, so I'm going to go to the bathroom while you debate whether I fall under the category of 'normal man.'"

Meredith giggled as she moved out of the way, stopping herself from helping as Derek carefully stood and started to shuffle towards the bathroom, dragging his IV pole beside him.

"We do things our own way," she told Cristina when the bathroom door was shut.

Cristina rolled her eyes. "All he has to do is say some corny McDreamy thing and your heart's all a flutter."

She rolled her eyes. "I don't flutter. But those corny things he says? He means them. So I'm allowed to think they're romantic."

Cristina stood. "I going to go before this conversation makes me vomit."

"Hey, this is just happily married me. There's a very good chance you're going to be a happily married you one day. And when there is, I'm going to remind you of this conversation."

Cristina rolled her eyes, but said nothing in response. She picked up Derek's chart and turned back to Meredith before leaving. "That thing you said about it being romantic that he braved a psychopath with a gun to save me? You did that too, you know. For him."

Meredith nodded. _Shoot me. I'm your eye for an eye._

"I guess that's romantic."

"I guess it is. He's rubbing off on me."

Cristina smiled. "It's good. I mean if you had gotten yourself shot and died, I would have killed him for it. But it's good that...you know."

"I know."

"Anyway, I have to go."

"You're going to see Alex, right? That's where you disappear in the mornings?"

"Yes."

"Tell him I'll be there later."

"Okay."

It was a minute or two after Cristina left that the bathroom door opened and Derek shuffled back to the bed. He sat on the edge and sighed. "What's the verdict?"

"Hmm?"

"Am I a normal man?"

She giggled and stood. "Never," she murmured, standing in front of him and leaning in to kiss him softly. "Mmm, you brushed your teeth."

"Mmm-hmm. Thought about shaving, but..." He sighed. "It's too hard; keeping my arms up for so long."

She ran her fingers through his hair. "I can give you a hand again."

He sighed, but nodded.

"Hey," she whispered, her hand trailing from his hair to his chin. "It'll get better. I promise."

He offered her a brave smile. "I keep feeling like I'm getting better, and then something shatters the illusion. I can get up and walk to the bathroom without any help, but then I can barely brush my own teeth."

She kissed him again. "I do appreciate the effort," she said lightly. He was cracking; had been since the day before. She could sense it. As the number of drugs he was on lessened and his mind started to work again, he was quickly realizing how far behind his body was in the recovery process.

With another sigh he closed his eyes.

Meredith leaned her forehead against his. "I love you, Derek Shepherd."

He shuddered, and she wrapped her arms around him in response. "Hey, it's okay. You _are_ getting better. You make progress every day."

"I want to go home," he whispered.

The muscles around her heart clenched painfully at his tone. "Me too."

"I want things to be back to normal. I hate this."

"Me too."

He opened his eyes and whispered, "What did I do to deserve you?"

She offered him a soft smile. "You loved me even when you hated me."

He smiled at this. "I've never hated you."

"Well, frustrated, then. You can't say you've never been frustrated with me."

He lifted a hand to her face. "Maybe. But not in a long time." He offered her a tender smile. "You're so strong."

"I'm not."

"You are," he insisted. "Even after everything, you're still here making things better."

"In sickness and in health, remember."

"Our non-vow vow," he confirmed. "I remember."

"Good. Because I'm not going anywhere. You're going to be sick of me."

"Never." His hand fell to her shoulder as he lost the strength to have it so high with her standing in front of him while he sat. "How can you be so strong?" He whispered, as if awed by her. "You saw and you risked your life coming to me. And finding out about Alex. And...losing the...baby."

Her eyes stung at the mention of their loss, but she blinked back the tears. "I'm not that strong. I cried a lot while you slept. And I talked to sleeping you. I didn't get this far on my own. _You_ helped."

"But still."

"Like I said; I'm whole and healed." She smiled. "And now it's your turn."

"That simple, huh?"

She shrugged. "It's not really simple. Healing isn't easy. But," she started with a smile, "It's totally worth it."

"Totally, huh?"

"Yes. You think not being able to shave is bad? Derek, there was a time where you would tell me you loved me and my heart with race so fast that I'd get the urge to physically run away. And not because I didn't want it, but because I _did_. That's how screwed up I was. I couldn't even let you love me."

"So, you're saying not allowing someone to love you is worse than not being able to shave?" He asked lightly.

She smiled, knowing she had helped him to pull himself out of the hole. For now, at least. "Yes."

"Mmm, I suppose I can agree with that. He ran his hand down her arm, from her shoulder to her hand, which he clutched at.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm going to tell you that I love you and I don't want you to run away." He squeezed her hand to emphasize.

She laughed. "You're an ass."

"An ass who loves you very much."

With a smile, she lifted his hand with hers and pressed it to her chest, right over her heart. "See? Not so scary anymore."

"Good." He breathed. "Do you think _this_ will stop being so scary one day?"

She kissed him. "Yes," she promised when she pulled away. "We're going to get you healed. And we're going to move on with our life. And we're going to start by shaving your face because it hurts to kiss you right now, and I have it on good authority that kissing is positively correlated with faster recovery rates."

He chuckled at this. "I do want to recover fast..."

"Come on," she murmured, stepping back and holding out a hand.

Derek stood and took her hand, pulling his IV pole beside him as he followed her back to the bathroom. "So, how much kissing are we talking about here..."

OO

Freshly shaven, showered, dressed and as happy as could be expected, Derek made a face as he poked at the meal he had been brought for breakfast. "How are people supposed to get better eating this crap?"

Meredith giggled. "Most people would love that for breakfast."

"It's more grease than food," he insisted, using his fork to push the sloppy eggs and greasy sausage around the small plate. "What if I was a cardiac patient? How would this help my arteries?"

"You _are_ a cardiac patient."

"I mean a real cardiac patient. What if I was post-op from bypass surgery? We tell the patients they need to change their diets and then we feed them this? I feel like a hypocrite."

"I never complained this much when I was the patient."

"Yeah, and you'll be a patient again in twenty or thirty years for bypass surgery. And I'll be sitting beside you, reminding you I tried to help..."

She rolled her eyes, resisting the urge to argue, even though she knew he had a point. Though, in the years she had known him her eating habits had changed. Salads were common lunches for her now. She ate real breakfast, most days at least. Dinners were more balanced. And that was his influence. "Do you want me to get you something else?" She asked. If he was actually interested in eating she wanted him to have something he liked. It had taken a few days for his appetite to come back at all. "Your mom brought in a box of oatmeal."

He dropped his fork onto the plate and looked at her, an eyebrow raised.

"I can handle oatmeal," she insisted. "Seriously, she brought the pre-packaged, already-measured to meal size oatmeal. All I have to do is add water. That's totally something I'm capable of cooking."

"Adding water doesn't exactly constitute cooking..."

"Do you want the freaking oatmeal, or should I leave you with what you've got?"

"I want the oatmeal," he said sweetly.

She rolled her eyes at him while biting back a smile. "You need to give me more credit."

"Says the girl who believes adding water counts as cooking."

"I'm a surgeon, not a chef."

He smirked. "After experiencing your skills at both, I have to agree."

Meredith stood and leaned over the bed to peck his lips. "You're lucky I love you so much."

She moved his tray of greasy food away from the bed and grabbed two packages of oatmeal from the small patient cabinet across the room from the bed. "I'll be right back."

At around eight in the morning, the floor was as busy as it got with so few patients. The nursing staff fluttered around, ensuring each patient was being cared for, and a few doctors roamed the floor, checking on their post-ops and pre-ops. Meredith had heard that as of today, Monday, the hospital was open to limited surgical patients whose operations were needed soon and unable to be rescheduled elsewhere. They were limiting visitors and controlling which areas of the hospital were open to them, but at least the hospital finally seemed to be moving towards its own recovery. The medical staff visibly outnumbered the police, whose numbers lessened every day.

The small kitchenette room by the Nurses' Station was empty, and Meredith quickly went to working turning on the kettle and getting two paper bowls out of the cupboard. While waiting for the water to boil, she poured herself a coffee and Derek a glass of water, and took them back to his room. When she returned, the kettle was whistling away. She pulled the plug, dumped the packages of oatmeal into the bowls and added water. It really was her kind of cooking. Add water and stir. Simple as that.

Derek was drinking the water she had brought him when she returned with the bowls, a small empty cup sitting on the tray table in front of him. "Your pills?"

He nodded. He was taking almost everything by mouth now, which was a good sign. He hadn't needed any morphine since Saturday and was nearing the end of his IV antibiotic cycle. Hopefully he could be off the IV in the next few days.

She set the bowl down on the table with a, "Careful. It's hot."

He nodded as he picked up the spoon and stirred the concoction, causing steam to erupt.

With a smile, Meredith sat and did the same to her own bowl.

"How is it?" She asked when he took his first bite.

"Good."

"See?" She smirked. "I can totally cook."

"I see," he relented. "We can add oatmeal to the very short list of things you can cook."

She made a face, trying to come up with a retort, but realized quickly that he had a point. "We're going to have to find some healthier places to order from."

"Hmm?"

"For when you get released," she clarified. "You're right; I can't cook much. And I'm pretty sure you're not going to put up with me ordering pizza for very long. We'll have to find some new places near the house that will deliver...healthy food. Stuff you like. Stir-frys and salads and crap. At least until you're up to cooking again."

He paused at the mention of his upcoming release. It would be close to another week, at the soonest, but it was coming. "We'll find something," he said quietly.

"Or maybe I can cook and you can supervise," she added.

"Even that's risking a lot," he said with a smirk.

"Ass," she mumbled. "I can get some groceries if you send me with a very specific list. I can make simple things, like soup."

"You can make soup?"

She smirked back. "Yup. Just open the can, pour and heat."

He huffed, but said nothing.

"That's closer to real cooking that making oatmeal," she insisted. "You have to use the stove and everything."

Derek swallowed the last spoonful of his oatmeal and stared at her for a long moment, smiling softly, as if he knew she was continuing this conversation with the goal of making him smile. "What would I do without you?"

She shrugged. "Probably have a wife who knows how to cook..."

He laughed, which was cut short as pain shot through his chest at the movement. His hand came to his chest for support, but he was still smiling. "I love you."

"I love you too."

The door opened before Derek could say anything else.

"Morning, Dr. Shepherd," The older, but still enthusiastic, floor nurse greeted. "Dr. Altman is in surgery, but she wanted me to send you for a follow up MRI this morning."

Derek nodded. "When?"

"As soon as you're ready."

"I can take him down," Meredith offered.

"Great. I'll let them know you're on your way." And she was gone.

"I guess that means I'm ready now..."

Meredith giggled. "They're doing the best they can. Half of our staff are either out on stress leave or filling in at Seattle Pres." She left out the small percentage that hadn't made it out of the lockdown alive.

"Is it that bad?"

She shrugged. "Here? Not too bad; mostly because we don't have many patients. Seattle Pres is a mess."

"How many are on stress leave?"

"I don't know. Cristina said a lot. But she also said they're mostly the wimps who hid in closets and were never in any danger. Most of the people who were actually in danger are either still working, injured, or..." She trailed off. _Dead_. "Owen got shot in the shoulder, and he's still working," she added, trying to take the emphasis off what she almost said.

Derek nodded, his forehead crinkling. "You saw that too," he mumbled.

"What?"

"The cop. When he barged in. He said you saw me get shot. But he also said you saw Owen get shot."

She nodded.

"Did it happen before? Or after?"

"After," she said carefully. She still hadn't told Derek that Mr. Clarke had found his OR, and she'd hoped he'd take longer to start to piece together the full events of the day. "I sewed him up while Cristina operated on you."

"But we were already on the OR floor. I remember...right up until you put me out, I remember. It's fuzzy, but you were there. So when..."

"We have to get to MRI," she said in response, standing, and effectively putting an end to the conversation.

He sighed, but nodded.

She nodded back and left the room to get a wheelchair. When she returned she waited as he got out of bed and settled himself into the chair. They got all the way to the elevators in silence before she laid a hand on his shoulder. "It's complicated. I'll tell you, but it's complicated. Maybe we could go for another wheel tonight?"

He lifted a hand to lay over hers on his shoulder. "Okay."

The elevator door opened and she pushed him on. "Who else is still working?"

"Mark; he goes back and forth from here to Seattle Pres. Same as Altman. And Callie. Arizona is still here. From what I understand Mr. Clarke went through peds, but no one was hurt."

"Thank god."

"Yeah. I guess he had some level of humanity in him to leave the kids alone." She shook her head. "Bailey's still working. She said she's been meaning to come and see you, but...she's struggling. She was with Percy when he..." She trailed off as her voice cracked. "The cops turned off the elevators and she couldn't get him to an OR. He probably wouldn't have made it anyway, but the fact that she didn't get to try and save him..." Meredith exhaled. "If they had shut down the elevators earlier I would have dragged you up the stairs myself."

"I'm glad they didn't," he said quietly. "It was hard enough getting into the wheelchair. I'm thinking the stairs would have hurt a bit more."

She smiled at his attempt to lighten the mood. "Yeah, probably." She sighed. "Richard's still working, too, obviously. And Avery. And April was here for a day or two, but she couldn't handle it. Cristina said she went to stay with her parents for a while. So, other than her the only person affected but not hurt and not working is, well, me."

The elevator doors opened, and Meredith pushed Derek out and down the hall towards MRI. She spotted the technician through the glass when they approached and he motioned that he'd be right out. He was somewhere around her age, maybe a year or two younger, and relatively shy. She had worked with him before, but he remained quiet and focussed on his patients. Jeff, she believed was his name.

"You didn't get through that day unhurt," Derek said quietly when she had stopped him and wandered into his view. He reached out a hand to her, and she stepped close, threading her fingers through his. He cautiously laid his free hand against her lower abdomen. "You shouldn't be working anyway right now, so don't be so hard on yourself."

She nodded, blinking against the stinging in her eyes as she laid her free hand over his.

"I'm still the Chief of Surgery," he said, before offering her a small shrug, "Well, sort of. It's under my authority to say you shouldn't be working right now."

She lifted her hand to run her fingers through his hair. "Are you banning me from working, _Chief_?"

He chuckled. "Maybe."

She offered him a small smile. "Truthfully, I know I'm not okay to be working. Physically and...emotionally. I'd be distracted right now. Too distracted."

"How long do you think you'll be off for?"

"I have no idea. Another week, at least. Maybe after you're released and I know you're okay. And I know Alex is okay."

He smiled. "So, I get you all to myself for another week..."

"At least." She ran her fingers through his hair again as she processed his tone. Relief. She was more than just company to him. More than just simple comfort. When he did get released, he wouldn't be able to be home alone; at least not for a few days. And he knew it. "You're going to be so sick of me," she added, "Especially after you get released. At least now there are other people. At home it's just going to be you and me. All day. Day after day after day..."

"Thank you," he said softly, understanding the implication of her words. She would be at home with him. He wouldn't be alone until he was ready.

"You were there when it was me," she said with a shrug, "Except, of course, when you ditched me for a day and a half for your insanely long and epic surgery that you apparently couldn't be bothered to ask me to scrub in on."

He smiled, his eyes twinkling, "You were on bed rest. If you weren't you would have been my top pick."

"Good."

"Morning, Dr. Shepherd," the tech greeted as he held the door open. "Are you ready for your scan?"

Derek nodded and Meredith pushed him into the imaging room and helped him to settle on the small bed. "See you soon," she said, pecking his lips.

Jeff said nothing about family members waiting outside when she sat down in the chair next to him, and Meredith was grateful for it. She would have fought, and won, to stay, but this was easier.

"Okay, Dr. Shepherd, lie still. We're starting," Jeff said into the microphone.

Silence fell again as images started coming up on the screen. No bleeding. No new damage. Nothing noteworthy. Minutes passed as more and more insignificant images covered the screen before her.

Meredith released a breath she hadn't realized she'd been holding. The constant and acute sense of relief that her husband was alive was beginning to dull, but that didn't stop her from worrying. The surgeon in her knew there still could have been something wrong that wouldn't be picked up until now. A small tear or a tiny fragment of bullet or rib floating around and doing damage. A clot. A misplaced suture. Anything.

But, as her practices eyes ran over the scans, she saw nothing to worry about. "It looks good, right? He looks good?" She asked.

"He looks good," Jeff agreed, before shooting her a wry smile. "Unofficially, of course."

She smiled. As an imaging tech, he could probably see a smaller issue faster than a top surgeon, but it was the doctor who had the final say for the results.

"Almost finished, Dr. Shepherd," he spoke into the microphone. "Just a few more minutes."

Derek grunted something in response, but whatever he said was lost to the pounding of the machine. The tech turned off the microphone and the small speakers grew silent.

As promised, five minutes later Meredith followed Jeff into the imaging room and waited as he manoeuvred the small bed out of the MRI.

"So?" Derek questioned as he struggled to sit up without a rail to hold onto.

Meredith offered him her hand. "Everything looks good."

"Good," he muttered as he pulled himself up and then sat, upright and uncomfortable at the effort.

She ran her hand back and forth across his shoulders until most of the tension had left his face. Eventually the tortured expression on his face morphed into one of determination. And he stood.

"I'll be forwarding the scans to Dr. Altman," Jeff explained, "But Dr. Grey and I didn't see anything of concern."

"Thanks," Derek replied, carefully sinking into the wheelchair.

Meredith said goodbye to Jeff and started pushing her husband back towards the elevators. "You okay up there?"

"Yeah." He sighed.

She came to a stop and wrapped her arms carefully around his neck from behind. "I know you're in pain, Derek," she murmured into the side of his neck. "But your scans look freaking perfect. So feel good about that."

His hand gripped at her arm. "I do, Mer. I just..."

"Want it to be over?"

He fell silent, and she knew she had hit the nail on the head, or whatever.

"It's not going to feel like it's getting easier for a long time. And you're going to be in pain for a long time. And the scars will never go away-"

"You should be a motivation speaker; have I ever told you that?"

Meredith giggled and released him, quickly moving around the wheelchair to face him. His face, etched in tension and pain, still held onto a modified version of his sense of humour. And she loved him a little more for it. "It's going to get better," she promised, crouching in front of him so they were on the same level. "Getting hurt sucks, and recovery is freaking cruel sometimes. But it's the only way to get better."

He offered her a quiet smile. "I didn't exactly get hurt..."

She nodded. He was right. This wasn't some random accident. This was deliberate. Calculated. Premeditated. He hadn't _gotten hurt_; he had nearly _gotten_ _murdered_. A chill ran down her spine and she closed her eyes. She understood him better now, understood the things he sometimes said and did, understood the part of him that denied morphine to a death row inmate with a toothbrush stuck in his spine. She was sorry, now, for her lack of empathy at the time.

"I love you," she whispered, opening her eyes.

He met her eyes evenly, his deep with a mixture of grief, love and uncertainty. He didn't know what he felt about his flirt with death much more than she did. There were a lot of heavy words they hadn't verbalized. "I love you too," he whispered back, his eyes shining in the way that told her he was sure of at least one thing in the world.

She leaned close and kissed him. "We're going to get through this. And then we're going to go on a really awesome vacation and have chatty babies with perfect hair." She kissed him again. "And our house will be finished in a few months. We have a lot to look forward to, Derek. Take your turn being dark and twisty if you need – God knows you deserve it – but remember that there's a whole future out there."

"Dark and twisty, huh? Do I get some kind of newcomer initiation thing?"

"I think getting shot counts as an initiation," she returned lightly, her heart swelling at just how hard he was trying.

He smirked. "You're the expert."

She mock-glared at him before shrugging. "You're the one who said it was a strength..."

Derek reached for her hand and squeezed it. "It is," he assured. "There's no way I would have gotten through the past week without you."

Not knowing how to respond, Meredith kissed her husband one more time before standing and returning to her position behind his chair. She cleared her throat, trying to bring them back to a lighter place. "So, where to?"

"What are my options?"

She tapped her fingers across his shoulder as she thought. "Well, it's raining, so outside is a no. And inside is limited right now. We could just go for a joy ride? See where we end up."

He chuckled. "Sounds good."

Meredith was smiling as she pressed the wheelchair forward, happy to push her husband around for as long as he wanted if it kept him upbeat. He deserved to feel upbeat, even if just for a short amount of time.

Unfortunately, the time became even shorter when Meredith pushed him around the corner to come face to face with Richard, and Larry Jennings. They looked as surprised to see Derek and Meredith as Derek and Meredith were them.

"Derek," Richard greeted, too cheerful to be genuine, as he fumbled with the lapels of his crisp, white lab coat. "Glad to see you up and about. How are you feeling?"

Derek glanced at his predecessor – and now replacement – and then Larry Jennings, who stood beside Richard in a navy suit, looking tense and unpleasant, as usual. "I'm fine," he eventually responded, ignoring that fact that he was hardly 'up and about.'

"Good to hear. You'll be back to running this place in no time." Richard nodded, and glanced at Meredith. "I'm sure Meredith is taking good care of you."

Meredith laid her hand onto her husband's shoulder as she felt her forehead furrow. Three days ago, when she had gone to Derek's office for his things she had been distracted. There was a husband in the ICU and family members she had just met and catwalks to be avoided. Had Richard avoided her gaze this much before? She couldn't remember. She hadn't noticed.

But she definitely noticed now. He couldn't look at her.

"She is," Derek replied.

"Glad you're doing well, Shepherd," Larry chimed in. He looked to Meredith. "And good to see you again, Mrs. Shepherd."

Meredith nodded. "You too."

"I've been meaning to come by and discuss some logistics with you," Larry continued, "But with the shooting I've been pretty busy."

Meredith slowly inhaled and exhaled as she listened to the Chairman of the Board make excuses about why he hadn't been to see his Chief of Surgery, who had barely survived the event he was now blaming for his absence. Why did this man work for a hospital? Who in their right mind had ever thought he'd be a good fit. For a moment Meredith wished they had left the carnivorous fish up the man's penis.

"I've been pretty busy too," Derek said dryly.

Larry laughed, mistaking Derek's tone for a joke. "I see that."

"So, Derek," Richard cut in, making the effort to take the focus away from Larry. "What has you two down here so early?"

"MRI. Follow up."

"And?"

"Well, my personal doctor and driver, here, said everything looks good." He lifted his hand to place over Meredith's on his shoulder.

She laughed. "Don't forget gourmet breakfast chef."

Derek released a laughing breath. "Yes, she rescued me with oatmeal this morning. Do you have any idea of the crap we feed the patients for breakfast?"

Larry stammered through a rehearsed speech about finances.

Meredith had to remind herself that she worked for him, and that rolling her eyes in front of him, in response _to_ him, was inappropriate.

When he was finished the speech about the economics of patient meals, he sighed and stared down at Derek. "Shepherd, I'm hoping to come by your room this afternoon. I have some paperwork for you sign, if you're up to it," he added, except he didn't phrase it as a question. "You're obviously going to be off on sick leave for some time. And the Board had to elect someone as your temporary replacement. I'm sorry you didn't get to be part of that decision, but you were...incapacitated at the time. And the hospital needed a quick resolution. Richard was the only attending with any sort of experience necessary to-"

Derek held up a hand. "I agree. He would have been my pick too." He glanced at Richard. "In fact, he still is."

"I don't follow," Larry questioned.

"I don't want just a temporary replacement. Consider this as my resignation from Chief of Surgery."

Silence fell in an uncomfortable blanket.

Meredith squeezed Derek's shoulder, offering her support, but not wanting to verbalize anything in the middle of a conversation she probably shouldn't be privy too.

"I can put it in writing as soon as I'm able to use a keyboard," Derek added. He nodded at Richard. "Dr. Webber is ready to take the job back. He's the best man for the job."

"Derek," Richard cut in. "Shouldn't you discuss this first?" He motioned to Meredith.

"We already have." He turned his attention back to Larry. "I appreciate the opportunity. But I don't want the job anymore. Especially not after this. I've been reminded of why I became a doctor in the first place. And you're right; I'm not going to be able to work for a long time. The hospital is hurting. It needs stability right now. A temporary leader isn't going to suffice. Put Richard back in the driver's seat. And this time give him the time to fix what needs to be fixed. He'll get us back on track."

"I'll take that under advisement."

Derek nodded. "Good." He released Meredith's hand as his own fell to his lap.

Meredith squeezed his shoulder again, knowing he was running out of steam. "We should get back," she said quietly.

Larry nodded. "I'll see you soon, Shepherd. Mrs. Shepherd, nice to see you again."

"You too," Meredith mumbled as she nodded a goodbye to Richard, who still wouldn't look her in the eye.

Derek offered his own goodbye, and when Meredith felt the conversation was over, she navigated herself and Derek towards the elevators. The elevator car was, thankfully, empty and she released a breath once the doors had closed. "So?"

"So?" He echoed.

"How do you feel?"

He offered her a soft smile. "Good."

"No regrets?"

"No regrets."

"That's good."

"The job was never what I thought it would be. I don't want to be a part time surgeon." He met her eyes evenly. "And I really don't want to be a part time husband. Or father, when the time comes."

She smiled at his simple, honest words. The elevator came to a stop at their floor, and she moved back behind the chair and pushed him towards his room. It was unspoken between them that their joy ride would be pushed back. Derek was exhausted.

Once in the privacy of his room, Derek carefully stood and shuffled across the floor to the bed. Once he was settled, Meredith hung his IV on the pole beside the bed. His eyes were already closed, and she couldn't help but run her fingers through his hair after she had pulled the blanket over his healing body.

"He called you Mrs. Shepherd," Derek murmured, eyes still closed.

"Twice," She said dryly.

His lips curled upwards. "At least you're not yelling at me this time. I don't exactly have the energy to make it up to you the same way..."

She smiled at the memory. It was on her list of good ones. "I'll take a kiss instead." She leaned over him and pressed her lips to his.

He surprised her by grasping at her shirt when she tried to pull back. "Two kisses," he said gruffly. "He called you Mrs. Shepherd twice."

With a giggle, she closed the gap again.

He smiled tiredly at her the second time she pulled away, but his eyes still sparkled. "Lie with me?"

She hesitated.

"You won't hurt me," he insisted. "I need to sleep. But I'll sleep better with you beside me..."

She smiled at his flirty tone. "Okay."

He handed her the so-far unused remote for the television in the corner.

"Are you sure?" She asked as she took it from him.

"Yep." He nodded sleepily at her. "Nothing is going to keep me awake right now, Mer."

She waited until he had shifted to the far side of the bed before laying herself down beside him. Her head found the pillow beside his shoulder and her fingers curled around his arm. After his shower that morning he smelled much more like her husband and much less like a hospital.

"Night," Derek whispered.

She giggled. "Derek, it's not even ten thirty in the morning..."

He groaned. "Whatever."

She kissed his shoulder. "Sleep."

He did. His breathing evened out and the tension in his face bled away.

Meredith ran her hand over his shoulder and neck, and then through his hair, content to just be close to him. He was struggling, physically, mentally and emotionally, the trifecta of a traumatic recovery, but he was letting her in. He had pulled away from her in the past. Yes, she had been the running champion, but he had still been a competitor. Even as recent as the year before when he lost his pregnant patient he had run from her.

But he wasn't running now. He was holding on by a thread, and he was still letting her in, was still allowing her access to his inner turmoil.

_No running._

It had been his addition to their vows. And he was obviously taking it seriously now.

Things weren't going to get magically better, but they would get through this together. For the first time since watching her husband's body shudder against the impact of a bullet, Meredith was acutely aware of a light at the end of the tunnel. A light that included a dream house and a vacation and pretty babies with her husband's hair.

She kissed his shoulder again and turned on the television. Day time programming was severely lacking – a fact she had discovered during her own post-op stay – but it was something normal. She was flipping channels when the door opened and several pairs of feet shuffled quietly into the room.

Meredith turned the volume all the way down and craned her head, offering Derek's family a smile.

"He's still asleep? It almost eleven," Carolyn said quietly.

She hesitated, trying to find the right words to explain just how busy their morning had already been. What with the shower and the shaving, the making fun of her cooking skills, the MRI and the giving up of the previous dream job. And all the talking. "It's been a busy morning."

"If he's asleep, we're going to go grab something to eat. Do you want to join us?"

It was tempting. She was starting to feel hungry again. And yet, the urge to eat was overpowered by the urge to stay with her husband. Her body craved the closeness. "I think I'm going to stay here and have a nap too."

The Shepherds departed as quietly as they came in.

Meredith lay the remote down on Derek's stomach and closed her eyes as some unknown soap opera played silently on the screen across the room. "I think I like sleeping you better when I can be sleeping me," she murmured, brushing her face against his shoulder and inhaling deeply. And then she slept.


	18. Chapter 18

_**AN: Three quick things. Well, two quick things and one slightly longer thing... One; Did anyone else notice there is a patient in season six named Gary Clarke? Two; After having a Livejournal account for like two years and using it about three times, I have closed it. And Three; for those of you who are also reading Where You Belong the next chapter is coming. I've been working on it, but I've run into a problem. Well, not a problem. Just a new, possible awesome idea, and I'm in the internal debate stage on how to play out the next few chapters. Because the thing that's about to happen could either **_**happen**_** happen or happen a little differently. Because it's been done and this would be a new way of writing it. I know, vague. And I'm sorry. But I haven't forgotten about it. I promise.**_

Meredith awoke to the feeling of Derek shifting beside her. She mumbled her displeasure at being pulled from restful, dream-free sleep until her surroundings fluttered into her awareness. The small hospital bed she was sharing with her husband. The private room on the cardiac floor. The sun streaming in the window.

Derek shifted again. "Sorry," he whispered. "I have to..." He trailed off with a groan of unhappiness.

She lifted her head off of the pillow beside his shoulder. "Are you okay?" She asked, concerned. He sounded aggravated.

"I'm fine," he said shortly. "I have to use the bathroom."

Meredith blinked as she tried to clear her head. The bathroom. That wasn't worth sounding this unhappy. "I don't under..."

"I need you to move. I tried to...but I can't get up with you there."

"Oh," she squeaked, quickly rolling away and stumbling as her feet hit the floor without much warning. "Sorry."

Derek's face was tense as he used the controls to move the back of the bed upright and then carefully swung his legs over the side of the bed. He was in pain; she could tell. He must have tried to sit up on his own to not disturb her.

A hiss escaped his lips as he set his feet onto the floor and stood. She bit back the urge to remind him to use a pillow and offered him a small smile as he shuffled past her, dragging his IV pole along for the ride.

When the bathroom door swung shut behind him, Meredith released a sigh and ran her fingers through her tangled hair. The clock on the wall told her it was lunch time. They had slept for about two hours. She yawned; her body still trying to wake itself up.

After going days with very little sleep, she had finally discovered a way to sleep without the nightmares. Because despite his injuries and his slow and weak recovery, her husband could chase away all of the bad dreams. He made her feel _safe_. And her body wanted more.

She sighed, hoping his mood would improve. The morning had been stressful already. And he was only five days post-op. If he cracked now, there wasn't much she could offer to make him feel better.

A sheet of paper lay on the couch across the room and she furrowed her brow, not remembering it having been there before. She headed over to the couch, folded her tired body into the corner of the back and the arm rest, and reached for the note.

The bathroom door opened and Derek shuffled out. Meredith breathed a sigh of relief. She was torn between wanting him to have as much independence as he could and not wanting to be separated from him by a door, lest something happen to him. "Your mom and your sisters went sightseeing," she told him, motioning to the note in her hands. Apparently we're not good company when we're sleeping."

His lips curled upwards in the corners, and she smiled at the small victory.

Derek hesitated before shuffling towards the couch and carefully sitting down beside her. He grimaced as he tried to find a comfortable position.

Meredith silently stood and retrieved a pillow from the bed, which she used to fill the space between Derek's back and the back of the couch. "How's that?"

"Better."

"Good. How are you feeling?"

He sighed. "Sore. I tried to sit up, but I couldn't. I hate this."

"You should have just woken me."

"You need to sleep, Mer. How am I supposed to wake you when I know it's hard for you to be sleeping without the nightmares?"

She offered him a warm smile and sat close beside him. "You're the patient here, not me."

He made a face. "And you're my wife."

Meredith leaned in to kiss him. "And I'm your wife," she agreed. "Which means you get to wake me; which means you're _supposed_ to wake me. I'm not even supposed to be sleeping in the bed with you." She was well aware it was against the rules. And she was also aware that the nurses were probably overlooking it because she was married to the Chief – or at least the man they thought was the Chief. For now.

Derek sighed again, and she continued before he could speak. "Just think of it as revenge."

"Revenge?"

She nodded. "Think of all those times I kept you awake with my snoring. Or talking to Cristina."

He smiled. "When you put it that way..."

Meredith giggled, glad his mood was improving. "How do you feel about this morning?"

"Which part?"

"The whole giving up Chief thing?"

He pursed his lips, and then offered her a weak shrug. "Good."

"Still no regrets?"

"Still no regrets," he confirmed. "It's not the job for me. I miss cutting. I miss saving lives. And I really hate paperwork."

She laughed at his last comment. "You haven't been happy at work in a long time." She had watched as her normally optimistic husband had lost his enthusiasm for his job. He hadn't been as motivated to go in to the hospital in the mornings. And he had hated staying late; not making it home at night.

He met her eyes. "Why didn't you say anything?"

She leaned in to peck his lips again. "Because it has to be your choice. Chief or not. Surgeon or not. That's your call. I'll support you, or whatever, no matter what. But it has to be your decision."

"Surgeon or not," he murmured. "But you said..."

"I will _always_ love you," Meredith said quickly. "No matter what. I know I said..." She trailed off. She didn't need to say it; they both knew what she had said to him the year before when he had wanted to quit being a surgeon. "I lied."

"You lied?"

"Yes. I will always love you, Derek. Always. No matter what. But you wouldn't be the man I love if you gave up because it was hard. Or because you were scared. You don't give up, Derek. And I...I knew you needed a push. And I knew what kind of push you needed. If you had gone back and saved lives and after a few months decided you didn't want to do it anymore, then I would have supported that. Because it would have been for the right reason." She paused. "I'm sorry. For lying. Because I would have kept loving you no matter what."

He breathed. In. Out. And then he offered her a tender smile. "Don't be sorry. You're right. I needed a push."

"Good. I'll always be here to push you. Not that you need it very often..."

He smiled at her comment and laid his hand onto her knee.

Meredith shifted closer and leaned her head against his shoulder.

"I wish I could just fast forward through the next few months," he whispered. "Until I'm back at work. Until I'm better. And life is easy again."

"I hate to break it to you, but life has never been easy..."

"Good point," he said wryly. "But I guess I never realized..."

"Never realized what?"

"When I see patients post-op. I knew it was hard of them. But I never realized how bad it was. Even watching you."

"You thought I was faking?" She asked jokingly.

He chuckled. "You healed faster. And you were mobile faster."

"Derek, you practically had to carry me into the house when you took me home." He had pushed her to the car in a wheelchair, and she had made relatively easy work of getting into the car. When he had gotten them home, she had managed – with his help – to stumble into the house. He had carried her up the stairs to their room. She had been in pain. A lot of pain. Derek had gotten her a glass of water and her pain meds without being asked.

He sighed. "But you were doing more. Sooner. I'm starting to feel like my healthy lifestyle is a waste if _you_ can heal faster than me."

"Hey. I take offense to that. I'm not that unhealthy." She lifted her head off his shoulder to shoot him a smile. "And your healthy lifestyle is allowing you to heal as fast as you are. Your surgery was different than mine. They didn't have to crack open my sternum to get to my liver."

"I guess I just didn't realize how hard it actually was. I've never felt so...weak."

"It'll get better. And in a few months, when things are back to normal, you'll be even more empathetic to your patients."

"It all feels like it's so far away."

"I know," she murmured. As much as she wanted to tell him the time would go by before he knew it, she didn't. She knew better, and she knew he knew better. And she knew he didn't want false hope from her. "Just think about everything we have to look forward to. Working together; you being just a surgeon again. Moving into our dream house. Lots of dirty sex. Going away together. Having pretty babies."

He reached for her hand and squeezed it. "Lots to look forward to," he murmured.

She smiled and laid her head against his shoulder again. "We're going to get through this."

He squeezed her hand again. "You're amazing, do you know that?"

"I'm not..."

"You are," he insisted. "You always know what to say. And you're always here. You don't look away."

She smirked. "I'm your very own knight in shining whatever."

He chortled. "That you are."

Meredith giggled. "I learned from the best." She leaned in to kiss him.

He was smiling when she pulled away. She smiled back and ran her fingers through his hair. He was happy. She had _made _him happy. It made her happy. A single, perfect moment.

A knock sounded at the door, breaking the moment, and Meredith turned her head, only to feel her smile fall away as she caught sight of the female cop standing in to doorway. With her medium build and dark hair pulled back into a tight bun, Meredith recognized her immediately. Officer Neade had stepped in against the cop who had barged into Derek's ICU room and told him and his family that she had witnessed the shooting. She had also been the officer to take Meredith's statement.

"Can I come in?"

Meredith glanced towards Derek, who nodded.

She offered them both a smile. "Dr. Grey," she greeted. "And you must be Dr. Shepherd."

"Derek," he corrected.

She nodded. "I'm Officer Neade. I spoke to your wife a few days ago, and I was hoping to get a brief statement from you if you're up to it."

Meredith bit her lip as she glanced worried at her husband again. He was clearly contemplating the request.

"I understand your reluctance," Officer Neade offered empathetically. "But we're trying to construct the most correct version of the events that transpired last week."

"But why?" Meredith found herself blurting, wanting to shelter her husband from the stress of answering any questions; of being forced to relive the previous week. "He's dead. What does it matter?"

Neade offered her an understanding smile. "These situations are horrific; I understand that. But they're also unpredictable. And the better the understanding we have of what happened, the better we're able to respond the next time."

It was kind of like surgery, Meredith couldn't help but think. Every time they lost a patient they learned something to help save the next one. "I-"

"Okay," Derek said quietly, cutting her off.

His tone was quiet and resigned, and it tugged at her heart. He didn't want to answer any questions, she knew, but he would. Because no matter how much crap the universe threw at Derek Shepherd, he would still do everything he could to help other people. And if his statement had a chance at helping even one person, he would answer any questions they wanted to ask.

Her husband was a damn good man.

"Thank you," Neade responded. "Are you up to it now, or did you want me to come back?"

"Now is fine. Might as well get it over with."

Meredith hesitated, knowing she needed to give Derek privacy to give his statement. And then she stood. "I think I'll go and check on Alex. Are you okay on the couch?"

Derek nodded.

She offered his a reassuring smile and bent down to kiss him. "I'll have my cell with me."

Officer Neade offered her a friendly nod as she passed the woman on the way out of the room.

Once in the hallway, Meredith paused, uncertain, before sighing and heading towards the Resident's lounge. Derek would be okay.

The drive to Seattle Presbyterian was relatively fast for a weekday, and the hospital was just as busy as she remembered, despite Seattle Grace having opened its doors to a limited number of patients. The path to Alex's ICU room was cluttered with stressed hospital staff, overbooked patients and confused family members. Meredith kept her head down as she threaded through the throngs of people, gurneys and carts. However, despite the chaos that seemed to have permanently taken over the halls of Seattle Presbyterian, the sight that awaited her in Alex's room pulled a smile to her face.

The back of the bed was elevated, and Alex was propped up against it. The expression on his face was one of annoyance and discomfort, but his eyes were open. Lexie was sitting to his left, chatting away with words Meredith couldn't make out from the doorway. Cristina sat on his right, her look of annoyance mirroring Alex's.

"Hey, you're up," Meredith said as cheerfully as she could as she entered the room.

Alex blinked as he focussed on her. She smiled at him, holding back a smirk as she realized he was drugged. "Mmmer," he drawled.

Offering Cristina and Lexie a smile, Meredith walked up to the right side of the bed and reached to squeeze Alex's hand. "How are you feeling?"

He considered her for a long moment, before pulling his hand out of hers and clumsily motioned with his finger for her to bend down closer to him.

"What is it?" She asked, following his request.

"She's your sister," he mumbled. "Make it stop..."

Cristina snorted before Meredith could respond. "Are you kidding me, Alex? They're sisters for a reason. Meredith talks more than Lexie does."

Meredith made a face before dropping into the empty chair next to Cristina. "That is not true. She talks way more than I do."

"Hey," Lexie argued weakly. "I don't talk that much."

Alex groaned. "Make it stop."

Meredith stifled a laugh as Lexie crossed her arms across her chest, indignant at the complaints from her very drugged sort-of-boyfriend.

"Do you need a break, Lex?" Meredith asked.

Lexie hesitated, before nodding. "I'll go grab something to eat." She offered Meredith a smile. "I've been here," she explained. "I haven't...left."

Meredith smiled back, feeling a little proud of her little sister. "We'll keep Alex company while you have a break."

"Okay," Lexie said, sending a worried glance at Alex before leaving the room.

"Finally," Alex moaned.

Meredith giggled. "Glad to see you're awake and your attitude is back in full..."

"I blame you," Alex mumbled in response.

"Well, I appreciate it." She felt a swell of gratitude that Alex had decided to fight. He was her family and she needed him.

He closed his eyes in response and his breathing evened out.

Cristina groaned. "Thank god you're here. Alex isn't nearly as entertaining on drugs as you were. And Lexie hasn't stopped talking the whole time I was here."

"I told her she needed to be here for him, regardless of what she's going to do when he gets better."

"Sloan?"

Meredith shrugged. "She said something about Mark asking her to marry him, or something," she said quietly, not wanting to wake Alex. "I don't know. Everything's so confusing right now. I can't devote any time and energy to it past worrying about Alex."

"Alex is going to be fine. He's...Alex."

She nodded. "He is going to be fine. He's one of our people. He doesn't have a choice."

"How is Derek?"

"Good. I think... I hope. He's making a statement to the police right now." She pulled her cell phone out of her pocket at the thought, checking to make sure Derek hadn't called. It had only been half an hour. He was probably still with Officer Neade.

"He'll be fine."

"I know. I just...hate being so far away. Something could happen..."

"Nothing's going to happen. My work was flawless. He can't not recovery fully."

Meredith smiled. "I know; Derek doesn't have a choice either."

When Meredith returned to Seattle Grace, Derek was fast asleep with his family surrounding him. After assuring herself he was fine, she headed for the Resident's lounger for a shower and a fresh outfit from the clothes she had stashed in her cubby the day before. She pulled her damp hair back into a ponytail and hesitated before grabbing some bills from her purse and heading to the cafeteria for something to eat. It was mid-afternoon and she hadn't eaten since early that morning. The days were getting away from her, and she found she had to remind herself to eat.

Meredith ordered a wrap and made her way into the seating area. She spotted Bailey across the floor and slowly made her way over. "Can I...?" She asked quietly. She hadn't seen her mentor since Bailey had pulled her off of the floor days ago.

Bailey looked up at her and nodded.

Meredith sat. "How are you...doing?" She asked awkwardly.

"I'm fine."

She nodded, before sighing and turning to her wrap. Bailey was obviously still hurting. Silence fell for several long minutes. Meredith ate half of her wrap before the urge to speak grew again. "Did you manage to remember some good things?" She asked quietly, referring to their conversation after Bailey had pulled her off of the floor.

"A few."

"It gets easier," Meredith offered.

Bailey sighed and put down her fork. "Meredith Grey, after everything you've been through, are your really sitting here trying to offer me comfort?"

She shrugged. "It's what I do. It's the dark and twisty. Or so I've been told."

Bailey stared at her confused, before mirroring her shrug. "How are _you_ doing?"

Meredith breathed in and out. "I'm getting through. They didn't tell me about Alex until yesterday. But he's going to be okay. And Derek is okay. And everything is just going to be okay. It has to be."

"I don't know what's scarier; that those words just came out of_ your _mouth. Or that you actually sounded like you believed them."

"I do believe them. I have to. After all the crap that life's thrown at me, I deserve good things eventually. Plus, my husband is a freaking optimist. He was bound to rub off on me eventually."

"Grey, I don't need to hear about your husband rubbing against you."

"No, I meant-"

"I know what you meant."

Meredith furrowed her brow as she met Bailey's eyes. And then she felt the corners of her mouth tug upwards as she realized Bailey was trying to make a joke. It was like the shooting had never happened. One normal moment – that is, had she ever heard Bailey make a joke before this would be a normal moment. She allowed herself a small smile before reaching for the second half of her wrap.

When she was finished her late lunch – or early dinner – she stood and nodded at Bailey before leaving the cafeteria.

Derek was still asleep when she returned to his room, and she dropped herself down onto her chair.

"He was awake for a few minutes," Jenna offered. "But he fell back to sleep pretty quickly."

"Was he okay?" Meredith asked, concerned about the effects of giving his statement.

"He seemed okay. I know you were worried about him giving that statement, but I don't think he remembers that much of that day, thank god. I'm sure the statement wasn't that bad."

_I remember, _he had told her, _Right up until you put me out, I remember. It's fuzzy, but you were there. _

Derek remembered everything. He had a memory for every moment of that day that he had been conscious.

"Mmm," she mumbled non-committal, knowing Derek wouldn't want her to correct them.

"How's your friend today?" Carolyn spoke up, and by the look in her eye, Meredith could tell she wasn't the only person in the room who knew Derek was trying to protect his family.

"Better. Conscious; for the most part anyway. He's very drugged. But stable."

"That's good. Will he be transferred here?"

She nodded. "Maybe in a couple days. As long as he remains stable. Altman is trying to get approval."

"That's good. We'd like to meet him."

She furrowed her brow. "Why?"

Carolyn smiled. "Because, as I understand it from Derek, he's part of your family."

"I...okay," she found herself agreeing, even though she didn't understand. She cleared her throat. "How was your day?"

"It was good. We did some shopping and had a nice lunch."

"That's good."

"Seattle is surprisingly nice," Kathleen added. "I've never been here before."

"It is nice, especially when it stops raining." She hesitated. "But now that you've been here, you'll have to come and visit again. For real. After Derek's recovered."

Kathleen smiled in response, and Meredith smiled back, feeling proud for herself. She was doing the family thing. And she seemed to be good enough at it. Derek would be proud when he woke up.

Meredith stretched her arms out in front of her and then sat back in her chair, not even surprised anymore to find herself comfortable with her husband's family. This definitely wasn't the way she had envisioned meeting her in-laws. And as early as a week ago she would have dug in her heels had Derek brought up meeting them. But the big picture had changed in the last week. And Meredith was discovering family could be okay. The Shepherd's were good people. They were Derek's family, so of course they were good people. And maybe they could be her family too one day.

Derek stirred, and Meredith's gaze moved to his face. His eyes moved under his lids, and his lips parted as his breathing began to lighten. He was waking up. She smiled and reached for his hand.

He moaned softly as his eyes fluttered open.

"Hey," she murmured.

He inhaled and then exhaled with an echoing "Hey," He blinked and reached his free hand for the bed controls to lift the back of the bed. "What time is it?"

"Almost dinner time."

"Alex?"

"He's doing better."

"Good."

She squeezed his hand. "How was your statement?"

He met her eyes for a long moment. "Fine."

She stared back into his eyes, absorbing both the look in his eyes and the fact that of all the adjectives he chose her not-so-secret key word that usually meant the opposite of its surface meaning. He was sending her a message. He was okay for now, and he would tell her later. Privately. She nodded almost imperceptibly. "Good."

He smiled back, thankful.

"I have to say, little brother," Kathleen started, "You're not exactly good company right now. You're supposed to entertain your guests."

Not to be outdone by his sister, Derek responded with, "Who says you're my guests?"

"You invited us."

He raised an eyebrow. "I'm pretty sure it was my wife who invited you. I was unconscious when she called you."

Meredith giggled as Kathleen obviously struggled for a comeback.

"So, blame her for being a bad host," Derek added.

"Hey!" She hissed, pulling her hand away from his and sending him a mock glare. "That's not nice."

"Yeah," Jenna said, standing up for her sister-in-law, "Meredith's awesome. She's way better company than you."

Derek huffed. "Well, I'm kind of at a disadvantage right now."

"Excuses, excuses."

The door opened before Derek could come with a retort, revealing Jackson Avery standing hesitantly in the doorway, chart in hand. "Dr. Altman is in surgery. She asked me to round on her patients."

It was the first time Meredith had seen Jackson since the day of the shooting. She offered him a small smile. "How are you?" Not only had Jackson been in the OR with the shooter, but he had lost at least two friends.

He shrugged. "Keeping busy and trying not to think about it."

"Yeah, I get that." She stood and motioned for him to come into the room. "This is Jackson Avery," she introduced. "Jackson, this is Derek's mom and his sisters."

"It's nice to meet you." He sent Derek a smile. "You weren't kidding when you said you had four sisters."

"That's not something you kid about."

Jackson smiled as his eyes studied the few monitors Derek was still attached to. "Pain meds working?"

"Yes."

"Good." He checked Derek's IV site and made a few notes. "Any other concerns?"

"Nope."

He shut the chart with a snap. "Good. I wish the rest of Altman's patients were this easy." He said, causing most of the room to laugh. "You're in good shape, considering, Chief."

Derek really was in good shape, considering. And a large part of that was due to Jackson's quick thinking in the OR. "Thank you," Meredith found herself blurting before she'd even completed the thought. "I don't think I said it before, Jackson, but thank you."

"Thank Cristina. I didn't really do anything-"

She hugged him, suddenly, cutting him off. "I'm sorry, because I don't really know you that well. And I'm not usually a hugger. But thank you, Jackson. You saved... Thank you."

"I just did what anyone would have done."

"Except you're the only one who did it." She turned to the rest of the room. "Jackson saved Derek's life."

"I really didn't," he tried to insist, but was cut off by questions from the Shepherds.

Meredith smiled, knowing he would have to accept a thank you know. It wasn't until she turned back to Derek that she realized her mistake.

Derek didn't know what had happened inside the OR yet.

And he was staring at her, confused, as he tried to put the events of the day together.

"It was Cristina," Jackson insisted behind her. "And Meredith. She saved us all, actually. If she hadn't come in and given herself up when she did Clarke could have killed us all."

Derek's expression darkened, knowing suddenly there was much he wasn't yet aware of.

Meredith met his eyes, pleading he wouldn't push the issue now.

"She what?"

Apparently Derek wasn't willing to wait.

Jackson turned to them. "It was very bad ass." He raised an eyebrow at Meredith. "I was terrified. I have no idea how you stood there so calm when he pointed the gun at you."

Even though no one had been talking at the same time as Jackson, it was like a blanket of silence had fallen over the room. Dead, awkward silence.

Derek's lips parted. "He what?" He whispered.

Meredith tried to offer him a smile, but it died on her lips. "There was a...slight incident in the OR. They were operating and Clarke...uh, he found us. That's how Owen got shot. He tried to take him down, but he wasn't fast enough. And then Avery unhooked your leads so it would look like you...died. And then Clarke left."

"He pointed a gun at you," Derek murmured, his expression stormy and dark as he either didn't hear or purposefully didn't process the words she had just said.

"It's okay," she said quickly. "I'm fine." Barely. And thanks to Owen. The expression that had been on Clarke's face when he had turned the gun on her hadn't left any room for doubt that he was willing to pull the trigger. She wondered if he had the same look in his eyes before he shot Derek.

"It's not okay. Why didn't you tell me?" He was mad. Part of her knew he was mad at Clarke and the situation, and had no one to turn it on right now than her. The other part of her flinched, because she couldn't remember the last time she had seen him look at her like that.

"I'm sorry," Jackson said quickly. "I didn't realize you didn't know, Chief. I shouldn't have said anything."

"I brought it up," Meredith responded, giving Jackson an out and a chance to leave the room. The Shepherds, however, didn't appear to be budging.

She sighed and hesitated as to whether or not to reach for Derek's hand. In the end, she decided not to, fearing he would pull away. "I was going to tell you."

"When?"

"Tonight. Remember? I told you there was more you needed to know."

A flash of remembrance flashed across his eyes, dulling the anger. But he said nothing.

"I didn't tell you before because you had so much else to deal with. And it's only been five days. I was always going to tell you."

"You should have told me sooner."

"You would have kept it from me, and you know it. Don't be a hypocrite."

"I would not-"

"Yes, you would. Do you think I don't know about the warning you gave Thatcher after my surgery?" Two weeks after serving as a living donor for Thatcher, Lexie had admitted being in the room when Derek had appeared and given Thatcher a warning that almost bordered on a threat.

He stammered for a moment, caught by surprise at her knowledge. "That's different."

"Maybe, but it still makes you a hypocrite. At least I was planning on telling you."

Derek sighed and glanced at his family. There was a long pause before Carolyn spoke up.

"Why don't we go and have dinner, girls. Derek and Meredith obviously need to talk."

"I don't like it when people keep things from me," Derek said the moment the door closed.

"Well, I'm not 'people,' and you've kept more from me that I have you."

"Great, so we're back to this again?"

"We're not back to anything," Meredith retorted. "I'm just saying-"

"You're just saying you don't trust me?"

Anger seared inside her, and she had to force it down. He was angry and frustrated with the situation. He was weak and hurt and not used to feeling so ineffectual. And all of the frustration she had watched building within her husband over the past several days was coming out directed at her. She knew he didn't mean what he was saying, and she knew he would regret it later. "This has nothing to do with trust, Derek."

"Sure it doesn't."

"I freaking trust you, Derek!" She exclaimed. "I trust you more than anyone; more than I've ever trusted anyone. And you know that, so stop being a jackass." She took a breath, forcing herself to calm down. He was baiting her and she was taking it. And he was the patient here, so she needed to be the rationale one.

"I love you, Derek. I love you and I trust you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. All those things you wanted with me? I freaking want them too. And on the scariest and most horrible day in my life, I ran _towards_ you. Metaphorically and literally and...emotionally and...every other way possible. So you don't get to turn this on me. I'm your wife and I love you and I was there that day, so I have the right to decide when you get to know things."

He sighed defeated, and looked away.

Meredith hesitantly sat down on the edge of the bed and reached for his hand. "Derek, I'm sorry."

He turned his head back to her, and her heart tugged at the tears in his eyes. "I love you so much, Mer," he murmured.

She kissed him. "I know."

"I'm sorry I was mad at you."

She shook her head. "You're allowed. This whole thing sucks. And if you need to get something out of your system, then that's okay."

"It's not," he insisted. "Not to you. You're...everything. Right now. I can't do any of this without you."

She kissed him again. "You won't have to. I promise."

"I need to know what happened that day," he said softly. "I need to know it all. Finding out that he pointed a gun at you is not okay. You didn't deserve that."

"Neither did you."

He squeezed her hand. "Did he...shoot at you?"

If he had, he wouldn't have missed. Not at such a short range. "No." With a sigh and a soft smile, she motioned for him to sit back, and she tucked herself in beside him in the bed, her chin resting on his shoulder and their fingers tangled together. "After we put you out, Cristina made me sit in the scrub room. She said she couldn't operate with me watching. And she made April stay to watch me. An hour later Owen showed up. And there was just something about the look in his eyes when he told me to stay in the scrub room that rubbed me the wrong way.

"When I stood up to look...Clarke was in the OR pointing a gun at Cristina. He was ranting about being here for revenge. An eye for an eye." She felt tears well in her eyes. "He was going to shoot you again." Derek's hand tightened in hers. "I went in. I got his attention away from you. Hunt tried to take him down, but Clarke was too fast and shot him in the shoulder. He was okay, but unconscious. And in the commotion, Jackson was smart enough to unhook your leads to make it look like you flat lined. And then Clarke left. April and I took Owen across the hall and stitched him up. And then we came back while Cristina finished with you."

"My god..." He murmured closing his eyes.

She rubbed his shoulder with her free hand. "It's over now."

"What did you say to distract him?"

"Huh?"

He sighed. "Avery said you gave yourself up...?"

"Yeah, I..." She hesitated, but he wanted to know everything. "He said he wanted revenge for his wife dying. So I told him I was your wife."

"Meredith..."

"I had to save you, Derek. I had to."

"You didn't just tell him you were my wife. You told him to shoot you instead, didn't you?"

She nodded. "Yes. And you don't get to be mad about that. It's not like before. I love you, Derek. And it took me a really long time to know I wanted the lifetime and all the stuff that comes with that. I would do anything for you."

He met her eyes for a long moment, before nodding slowly. "I won't be a hypocrite this time."

"What?"

He offered her a small, comforting smile. "Because I would have done the same thing."

Meredith laid her head against the pillow beside his head. "I thought you were dead," she murmured. "When Jackson unhooked your leads... I didn't know. I thought I was watching you die."

"Oh, Mer..."

She took a deep breath and closed her eyes, inhaling the scent of her husband. "I didn't know it was possible to hurt that much."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be. I did it to you, too."

"Yes," he agreed. "But that was a long time ago. And it doesn't mean I ever wanted you to feel that way."

"I couldn't understand what was happening when they reattached the leads and you had a heartbeat again. Is that what you felt like?"

"Kind of shocked and numb at the same time?"

"Yeah."

He squeezed her hand. "We're going to be okay, Mer."

She smiled. It was the first time he had spoken those words. "I know. But you know what kind of sucks about fighting and making up here?"

"What?"

She lifted her head and smirked at him. "No makeup sex."

He laughed, and then flinched at the movement, but he was still smiling. "Very good point. Even if we were at home, though, I doubt I'd be up to it right now. But I'll give you a rain check."

"It's not just you," she reminded. "I'm not allowed right now either."

He breathed. "Right. Sorry."

She ran her fingers through his hair. "I started bleeding when I was sewing up Owen."

"After watching me die."

"This is not your fault," she reminded him. "But yes. I don't think it was the only reason, but it was definitely the final straw."

"I hate this so much," he whispered, releasing her hand so he could lay his hand on her stomach. "It's not fair."

"No, it's not." She hesitated. "But if I had to choose... I need you, Derek. I need you more."

He stilled his palm against her lower abdomen and brushed his thumb back and forth. "I can't really wrap my mind around it. I know we lost something important, but I...can't understand it."

"I'm struggling too. And I got to know for a little while before."

"And you were happy."

"And I was happy."

"I would have been happy too," he said wistfully.

"I know." She tangled her fingers through his hair again. "And you will be, one day. We both will."


	19. Chapter 19

_**AN: I really want to thank everyone who has been reading and leaving such supportive feedback! I've been trying to catch up with the backlog of reviews, but feel like it's better to be writing. I have responded to all of the questions and comments that needed an answer on previous reviews. I just wanted to address a few things quickly so we're all on the same page. 1- I'm not going to go the PTSD route with Meredith, or really ASD, because it's too soon to be PTSD regardless. The nightmares were a result of several factors, including the fact that she has a history of having nightmares. 2- I KNOW the middle chapters were repetitive and boring. They were boring to write at times. But in the acute aftermath people who have been through a trauma will repeatedly say certain things to each other (I love you, thank god we're alive etc). And to a point I wanted it to be frustrating to read because it mirrors what the characters are going through. 3- Regarding Meredith's 'freak out' with the first cop. Meredith doesn't like to feel out of control. And after everything she'd been through and the stress and lack of sleep she let herself snap a bit, especially after the cop (who is based loosely off an experience I had having to give a statement) was so insensitive. When the second cop treated her with respect, she went willingly. Meredith doesn't like being pushed. We witnessed several seasons of this. 4 – To gaga4greys...WYB is a story called Where You Belong. It's in my profile, just click the link starvingstudent above.**_

Tuesday morning dawned foggy and damp. When Meredith awoke, she had no idea if it was early morning or middle of the night due to the lack of light making its way through the window. Tempted to simply – and carefully – snuggle a little closer to her husband and go back to sleep, she was surprised when her eyes caught sight of the clock across the room. It was almost eight. She would have to get up now.

Derek's family hadn't returned to his room for more than a moment to collect their things the night before, having wanted to give Meredith and Derek privacy. After all had been said and done, and Derek had been fully informed of the events of that day, Meredith had wheeled him out to their bench in the courtyard at the back of the hospital where they had sat together for almost an hour. Derek had told her how he had felt giving his statement. She had told him to try and remember happy things.

As much as she wished he didn't need to know what had happened in his OR, she was glad he knew now. She didn't like keeping things from him. And he needed to know. This new sense of protectiveness she felt over him was strong, but she knew she had to be open with her husband. Hovering was one thing, and she was the only person in the world he would put up with it for, but she wouldn't let herself become stifling.

And he had taken the news as well as could be expected, other than the brief anger that he hadn't been told sooner. The fact that he hadn't been angry about her encouraging Clarke to shoot her instead of him left her both anxious and relieved. Anxious because she didn't want him risking his life for her in the future, and he had outright said he would have done the same thing; and relieved because he wasn't going to try and turn it around on her. Because she had gotten whole and healed a long time ago and the part of her past where she danced along a very thin line was dead and buried. And despite the anxiety and the relief, there was also an emotion she couldn't quite put her finger on. One that made her chest all fluttery. Because as much as she didn't want him risking his life for her, she knew he would should the situation ever come up again. Because he loved her _that_ much. And she knew convincing him otherwise would be just as futile as him trying to convince her. She'd stand in front of a gun tomorrow for him. And the day after that.

She ran her hand down his forearm and threaded her fingers through his.

"Morning," he mumbled.

"Morning," she responded, surprised to find his voice so clear. "How long have you been awake?"

"A few hours. On and off." He sighed. "I can't wait to go home."

"It'll be another week, Derek."

"I know. I just...want to go home. I'm tired all the time here. I can't sleep for long. And I'm sore everywhere. And it's never dark enough. And this bed is not exactly made for two people."

"I can sleep on the couch."

"No," he said quickly. "I want you to sleep next to me. I just want you to sleep next to me in our bed."

"Soon." She made a face as she propped her elbow on the pillow and held her head up on her hand. "I'll see if I can convince the nurses to let us turn out all the lights overnight. And we'll talk to Teddy about how soon you can come home. But the other stuff...you're going to be sore, Derek. For a long time. And tired. Going home isn't going to be a huge improvement."

"You're a little blunt, have I ever told you that before?"

She giggled. "I'm sorry. I just don't want to give you false hope."

"I'm a surgeon, Mer. I know what to expect. I just don't want to be here anymore. If I was this tired and this sore and weak at home, lying next to you in our bed, it would be easier than being here."

"I know." She leaned over him to press her lips to his. "I'm sorry I can't make it any better."

He was smiling when she pulled away. "You _are_ making it better. All the time."

She returned his smile. "You're awfully sappy all of a sudden."

"You bring it out in me."

Meredith bit back a laugh. "Seriously. I'm like the least sappy person ever."

"Just think of it as osmosis, then."

"Sappy osmosis?"

"Yes."

This time she did laugh. "You're an idiot."

"Well, you're stuck with me."

His comment was meant as a joke, but it still brought a thin sheen of tears to Meredith's eyes. She was grateful to be stuck with him. And would continue to be grateful forever for him.

Derek's lips lifted into a soft smile. "And you say you're not sappy."

"Shut up." She blinked hard.

"It's okay," he whispered, squeezing her hand. "I won't tell anyone."

"Thank you." She leaned over him and brushed her lips against his. When she pulled away she lay her head back down by his shoulder, her fingers still threaded through his. If she closed her eyes she could almost imagine this was just a normal morning and she was waking up in her bed next to her perfectly healthy husband.

"You seem to be sleeping better," Derek murmured several minutes later.

She opened her eyes and brushed her nose against his shoulder. "I am," she whispered, hesitating before continuing with, "You make the nightmares go away."

"Hmm, you just jumped from not sappy to somewhat sappy to very sappy in the span of ten minutes."

"Whatever." She took a deep breath. "It's safe here. I'm not sure I can sleep anywhere else right now."

He sighed and whispered, "You make me feel safe too, Mer."

Choosing to remain silent, she squeezed his hand in response. It was amazing how he had gone from the scary thing in her life to the thing that kept the scary away.

There was a knock at the door, and Meredith groaned in response, not wanting the closest thing to normalcy she had right now to end. The door opened without waiting for a response.

"Grey, I'm going to give you five seconds before I stop pretending not to see you in bed with a patient."

Meredith bit back a smile at the tone of her mentor's voice. And, having answered to Bailey for several years, quickly rolled away from Derek and off the bed.

"Bailey, your timing is impeccable," Derek said.

Bailey slowly approached the bed as Meredith plunked herself down into her chair. "How are you feeling, Derek?" She asked quietly.

Derek reached for the bed controls and raised the back so he was sitting more upright. "As well as can be expected. You?"

"You're the one lying in the hospital bed, Shepherd."

"And you're avoiding the question."

She sighed. "I'm doing okay." She glanced at Meredith and then back to Derek. "I'm sorry I didn't come to see you sooner."

Derek waved his hand. "It's okay. Meredith told me you're practically running the place right now."

Bailey smiled at that. "I'm sure she didn't, but I appreciate the attempt."

"She did tell me what you went through."

Bailey's smile fell away.

"I'm sorry, Miranda," he added quietly.

She shook her head. "Don't. You've gone through hell yourself." She glanced at Meredith again. "You both have. You don't need to be concerning yourselves with me."

"It's not going to stop us from doing so," was his response.

"Derek Christopher Shepherd, I -"

"How do you know my middle name?" He asked, cutting her off.

"I'm Dr. Bailey. I know everything."

Meredith held back a laugh. "She's right," she told her husband, before glancing at Bailey. "But he's right too. We're allowed to worry about anyone we want."

"Well, I wanted to come in and make sure you were doing as well as I had heard," Bailey said in response, changing the subject. "And make sure you weren't driving your wife crazy."

Meredith laughed at this.

Derek made a face. "I am not-"

"Shepherd, you drive my resident crazy on a normal day. I'm sure that little trait of yours has only increased tenfold now."

"Fivefold," Meredith clarified, smirking at her husband's unpleased expression.

Bailey rewarded her with a slight grin.

Derek made a grumbling noise under his breath. "What a pleasant visit, Bailey. Thank you so much for stopping by to remind me how much I annoy my wife."

"It's my pleasure, Shepherd," Bailey replied easily, before sobering. "And while you may annoy your wife, she's very grateful you're okay. We all are."

Meredith felt a familiar stinging behind her eyes, but easily blinked away the feeling as she reached her Derek's hand. She was much more passively grateful at this point, almost a week after the shooting. Reminders at how close she came to losing her husband no longer had her in tears. But they still did tug at her heart.

Derek squeezed her hand before replying to Bailey, "Thank you, Miranda. I'm grateful too."

Bailed nodded. "Well, I have patients to get back to. I'll check in next time I have a chance,"  
she said. And then she was gone.

"Well," Derek started, "That was... Well, I'm not sure what that was."

"Give her a break. She's going through a hard time too. What she went through with Percy..." She trailed off, squeezing Derek's hand. "She's doing her best."

He offered her a sad smile. "I know she is. Everyone is." He sighed. "Things are going to be different around here for a long time, huh?"

She nodded. "I doubt things will ever be the same."

He tugged at her hand. "Come here."

Meredith stood and moved to perch beside him on the bed, facing him, still clutching to his hand. "I love you," she murmured, before leaning in to kiss him.

"I love you too," he whispered between kisses.

She moaned and deepened the kiss, wanting to lose herself in the normalcy, even if just for a moment.

"I see you two have made up since last night," Carolyn's voice called from behind her.

Meredith flinched and pulled away from her husband. She quickly shuffled off the bed and turned to face Derek`s family, feeling her cheeks heat at being caught. She hadn't even heard them come in. However, the Shepherds didn't even blink as they shuffled into the room. "Oh, last night wasn't...uh..."

"Meredith, you two spent almost an entire week in the same room. I'm surprised you made it until last night before you snapped." Carolyn offered her daughter-in-law a warm smile. "It's normal."

"Oh, I...okay."

"So," Derek spoke up, shooting Meredith a reassuring smile, "You're here early. Technically visiting hours don't start for another hour."

"Are you saying you don't want us here?" Kathleen asked, her eyebrow raised.

Derek smiled at his sister. "Of course not. It's a good thing you didn't show up five minutes earlier, though. You just missed Dr. Bailey. And she's a stickler for the rules."

"Well, we have good reason for coming in early today." Kathleen smiled back at her brother. "Nancy and I are flying home in a few hours. We wanted to spend some time with you before we left."

"Finally- I mean, _already_?" Derek said with a smirk.

"Derek Shepherd, be nice to your sisters."

Nancy laughed, but didn't respond to her mother. "We've been away for long enough, and you seem to be doing well." She glanced at Meredith, while still talking to Derek. "You obviously have everything you need here."

Meredith smiled at Derek's sister as they exchanged a look of understanding.

"Amelia's flying back to L.A. tomorrow," Jenna offered. "Mom and I will stay a little longer; make sure you're completely sick of us before we leave."

"Thanks," Derek said, his voice full of sarcasm. And then he smiled at his family. "I really do appreciate you all coming out here."

"We'll come back once everything has settled down," Kathleen said. "And we'll bring the boys and the kids; have a big family get together."

"That would be nice."

"Christmas is probably not good. But maybe in March, when the kids are off school?"

Derek glanced at Meredith, and she smiled at him, before turning to nod at his sister. "Sounds perfect. The house will be finished, and hopefully furnished, by then."

"And we were thinking about going to New York for Christmas," Derek added.

Carolyn smiled. "That would be nice. It's been a long time since we had everyone together for the holidays."

"And they'll be one more of us by then," Kathleen said suddenly, with a smile on her face. "I'm due in December."

The news obviously took the entire family by surprise, and their enthusiastic reactions granted Meredith time to overcome her reaction. At first she didn't even understand what Kathleen had said. _Due in December_. Then the implications sunk in and Meredith felt her heart sink in her chest. She had been able to suppress her emotions over losing the baby, but having them thrust to the surface without warning was surprisingly painful. She shuddered and reached involuntarily for Derek's hand.

His fingers threaded through hers and squeezed tight. She met his eyes, and his pain mirrored hers. They should have happy news to share too. But that had been taken away.

Kathleen turned to her brother after having hugged her sisters. Derek forced a smile to his face and congratulated his sister.

Meredith followed suit, catching Carolyn's eye as she forced her lips into a smile.

"Five aren't enough?" Derek asked as Kathleen stepped up to his bedside.

"They were until the youngest grew up..."

Meredith dropped Derek's hand to give his sister room. Carolyn was watching her; she could feel it. But she refused to acknowledge it. She offered Kathleen her own congratulations and gave her a hug.

"Thank you," Kathleen told her. "Though Dan is adamant this will be our last, so you guys are next." She smirked at both Meredith and Derek.

The smile on her face felt thick and fake, but Meredith kept it there because it was better than the alternative. She was happy for her sister-in-law; she really was. But she had been taken by surprise at the reminder of what she no longer had. And the last thing she needed to do was raise anyone's suspicions, ruin Kathleen's moment and become the center of unwanted attention. "Oh, well, we..." She trailed off, glancing at Derek.

"One day," he said quietly, "We're a little preoccupied right now."

"Leave your brother alone," Carolyn spoke up, her voice light, although she gave Meredith a pointed look. "They're still newlyweds."

Kathleen and her sisters brushed off Carolyn's statement easily, but Meredith knew better. She allowed herself to meet her mother-in-law's gaze and she knew. Carolyn had seen right through Meredith's reaction to the news and was now regarding her with sympathy as she steered her daughters away from the subject.

Meredith felt something brush along her side and turned to find Derek reaching for her. She smiled and threaded her fingers through his once more.

"You have to come for Christmas now," Nancy said.

Derek glanced at Meredith, an eyebrow raised as he asked for her input. She nodded. Christmas was half a year away. And she wanted her husband to be able to spend time with his family when he wasn't lying in a hospital bed. Hell, she wanted to spend more time with his family. She really liked them.

"We'll be there," Derek answered for them.

"I'm going to hold you to that," Kathleen said with fake sternness as she glanced between Meredith and Derek. "Because the baby is going to want to meet her aunt and uncle."

"We'll be there," Meredith echoed Derek's words for confirmation, now smiling in earnest. The thought of flying to New York with her husband to spend a holiday with his family would have sent her into a tailspin a week ago. Now it was something else to look forward to. So was being an aunt. It was something. And she'd get to mother when the time came.

00

After Kathleen and Nancy had said their goodbyes, Carolyn and her other two daughters had gone with them to see them off at the airport. Meredith suspected Carolyn had insisted everyone go in order to give Meredith and Derek some privacy after hearing Kathleen's news.

The second the door was closed behind them, Meredith turned and shuffled across the room to her husband. She didn't hesitate in crawling into the small bed next to him.

He sighed as she threaded her fingers through his and laid her head next to his shoulder. "I'm sorry," he whispered.

It was her turn to sigh. "You have nothing to be sorry for. It's good news. You're allowed to be happy for your sister. _We_ should be happy for your sister. It sucks that we don't have our own good news, but that doesn't take away the fact that her news is good."

He squeezed her hand and said wistfully, "You're so strong."

"That's because of you." She pressed her nose and lips into his shoulder and inhaled. "It happens. It may have happened anyway; we'll never know. But it won't stop us from having our chatty kids with perfect hair. We'll get to the parent thing. And we'll just have to settle for the aunt and uncle thing for now."

"Chatty kids with perfect hair, huh?"

"Yep."

"Sounds good."

Her eyes welled, so she closed them and pressed her forehead against his shoulder. "It does." She took a breath. "I want it, Derek. I want it so much. I want us to be the ones giving your family good news. I want to be the one with a due date. I want..." She trailed off as her voice cracked. "It took me a long time to allow myself to want this. And now...I want this. All of it. More than anything."

"Me too."

She smiled faintly, inhaling his scent again in an effort to soothe herself. She had lost the baby, but she hadn't lost him. And that was what mattered. That was what was important. Derek had become the most important person in her life. And she needed him. She wanted to have his kids, but she _needed_ him.

"We'll have it," she said optimistically. "As soon as you're up to it, we'll start trying for real. And a few years down the road we could have a freaking army of kids."

Derek laughed at this. "An army, huh? If that's your new plan we'll have to call the contractors and add some more bedrooms to the house..."

"Okay, maybe not an army."

"What happened to starting with one?"

"We'll start with one," Meredith whispered. "But I think...two."

"Two?"

"Mmm-hmm," she murmured, lifting her head to meet his eyes. She offered him a soft smile. "I was an only child. And I was lonely. My mom was a surgeon and she wasn't around. And I was home. By myself. It was lonely." She paused. "I don't want our kids to be lonely."

He squeezed her hand. "They won't be lonely. It'll be hectic, being surgeons and having kids. But you're nothing like your mother. You are going to be a fantastic mom, Meredith. I know it. You're going to be amazing. And I am not Thatcher. I'm not going anywhere. I promise."

She sniffed and nodded. "I know."

"Our kids will be happy. They'll know they're loved. And they'll know we're there for them no matter what. They won't be neglected, Mer. They won't be lonely."

Meredith felt her eyes well again, only this time out of love and hope. Her husband was a damned good man. And she hadn't been lying the day before when she had told Cristina that Derek meant the happy, corny things he said. He would never leave her if he could help it. And he would absolutely never leave their kids. Abandonment wasn't in his vocabulary. It was the reason she was able to allow herself to want kids with him.

She carefully leaned over him to press her lips to his. "I love you."

"I love you too."

She lay her head back down, her nose pressed into his shoulder, wishing she could curl up to his chest and press her face into the crook of his neck. It would be weeks, or longer, until she could do that.

But the point was she would be able to do it again.

"We'll have good news to tell your family one day," she whispered. "Maybe at Christmas."

He smiled at her. "That would be really nice."

She leaned over to kiss him again. "Well, then, you have to get better quickly so we can start trying."

"We could start now," he said with a smirk. "You'd have to do most of the work, though..."

Meredith giggled, knowing he was joking. "We would so get caught. Bailey would walk in. Or Richard. Or your freaking mother."

"Good point. I guess we'll have to wait..."

"I guess we will," she echoed with a laugh.

He offered her a laughing smile. "Something to look forward to."

She squeezed his hand. "Lots to look forward to." She kissed him once more before laying her head down and closing her eyes, content to lay with her husband. Ten minutes passed in comfortable, soothing silence. And then the door opened and the peaceful bubble they had managed to create burst.

A throat cleared, and Meredith sighed, knowing Richard Webber was standing in the doorway of the hospital room. All she wanted was time alone with her husband.

Derek shifted beside her, looking to see who it was. "Richard," he greeted evenly. His tone didn't project any hostility, but Meredith recognized a hint of disappointment that mirrored her own. They didn't get a lot of normalcy these days.

"Derek," Richard greeted, stepping into the room. "Meredith."

Meredith sighed and rolled onto her back as Richard stopped at the foot of the bed. Derek reached for the controls and positioned the back of the bed so they were sitting upright.

"I, uh, just wanted to stop by to see how you were doing," Richard said, focusing on Derek. Meredith felt her brow furrow as she noticed Richard's obvious discomfort being in the room. His statement was forced, telling her this was the not reason for his visit. And his gaze didn't focus on her at all; a sure sign he was holding back something. Just like the last time he hadn't been able to look at her.

Meredith released Derek's hand and made to roll off the bed, wanting to give Derek and Richard privacy to discuss whatever it was Richard needed to say.

Derek's hand fell onto her thigh in response to her movement, motioning that he wanted her to stay. "I'm doing fine," he replied to Richard. "Mer's been taking good care of me."

Richard smiled, but only glanced at Meredith for a moment, and even then didn't look her in the eyes. "Good to hear." He fell silent with a nod.

Meredith bit her lip as a strange silence settled over the room. If Derek wanted her to stay, she would stay. It wasn't like Richard hadn't seen them in a more compromising position than sharing a hospital bed.

Richard glanced awkwardly at her again, and then back to Derek. "If I could just speak to you in privacy for a moment..."

Derek offered him a smile, but shook his head. "Anything you have to say to me you can say to my wife. I'm not worrying about what I can and cannot say anymore."

Richard sighed. "Meredith, it's important I speak with Derek alone," he said, looking at her for the first time.

She nodded, taken by surprise at the anxiety in his eyes. He was obviously uncomfortable around her. And it was worse now than it had been the day before when she and Derek had bumped into him in the hallway.

"No," Derek said softly. "She's not going anywhere."

"This is hospital related, Derek."

"And I'm on sick leave. If you want a private discussion, you can wait until I'm back at work. If it's something that can't wait, you can tell me now."

"I don't mind," Meredith heard herself say quietly, not wanting to be the cause of tension.

Derek reached for her hand. "I do."

Richard nodded, defeated. He turned his full attention back to Derek, as if pretending Meredith wasn't there. "About what you said yesterday."

"I meant it," Derek said quietly. "I don't want to be Chief anymore."

"And you've discussed this?" He asked, glancing towards Meredith, but not actually at her.

Meredith squeezed Derek's hand, not sure what was going on.

"We have," Derek answered for them.

Richard sighed, and Meredith couldn't tell if he was relieved or disappointed. "Then Jennings has some paperwork he wants you to sign."

Derek chuckled. "More paperwork, huh?"

Meredith giggled at his attempt to make a joke, but quieted when Richard didn't even crack a smile.

"It's just a formality. You'll be reinstated as the Head of Neuro as soon as you're ready to come back."

"I appreciate that." Derek's tone was flat now, as he was obviously also thrown off by Richard's strange affect.

"I'll have Patricia send the papers, then, as long as you're sure."

"I'm sure."

Richard nodded. "Okay, then." He fell silent for an awkward moment. "Glad to see you looking well, Shepherd. I'll make sure I stop by again as soon as I can. But I should really get back to my patients now. I have to get to surgery."

"Of course. Thanks for stopping by," Derek called as Richard left the room.

The door shut behind the older man and the strained atmosphere fell away. "Well, that was..." He trailed off, squeezing Meredith's hand. "I don't know what that was."

"I think I might," she mumbled.

"What?"

She exhaled in what started as a sigh but turned quickly into a huff. "I'll be right back." She kissed him and hopped off the bed, hurrying to catch up with Richard.

By the time she had made it out of Derek's hospital room, Richard was turning the corner at the end of the hallway. She made it to the turn and caught sight of him stepping onto the elevator. She hurried and managed to slip on as the doors were closing.

Her hand slammed down onto the emergency stop button, and the sound echoed around the small space the two on them now shared.

"Meredith," he said in surprise. "What are you doing?"

"What are _you_ doing?" She countered. "Because we both know you're not on your way to surgery. I'll bet you haven't been anywhere near a patient in days. After everything that's happened, and having Larry Jennings breathing down your neck, I'll bet you've been swamped trying to keep the hospital afloat."

"I..." He stammered, caught off guard by her forcefulness.

"You've been acting strange every time I've seen you since the day after the shooting. And you can't look at me."

He sighed, his eyes downcast, proving her point.

"And I get that this is hard for you, but you weren't even here. You think watching a murderer kill himself is hard? You haven't experienced hard."

"Meredith-"

"Don't. I may just be a resident in this hospital. And I get that you're going to by the Chief again and I'm going to have to answer to you in the future. But right now you're not my superior. And right now I'm not just a resident. I'm...I'm the wife of the Chief of Surgery. I'm the wife of the man who saved your career. So, if you're doing what I think you're doing I'm going to..." She trailed off. The normal end to that sentence – _kill you_ – suddenly seemed deeply inappropriate.

She shook her head and continued. "Derek spent six months trying to fix this hospital and this program. And he almost died trying to protect it. He needs to trust that he can hand it back to you and you aren't going to take the easy way out this time."

"Easy way out?"

"Are you drinking again?" She challenged.

He met her eyes immediately, only his were not filled with the guilt she expected to see. Instead, she saw surprise. Shock. It silenced her as realization swept through her body. She was wrong.

Richard slowly reached into his pocket and pulled out a small token. "Six months sober," he said quietly. "I won't say I haven't been tempted this week. But I haven't fallen off the wagon. Never again."

She crossed her arms over her chest, suddenly uncertain. She had been so sure. "I'm sorry."

He nodded and returned his keepsake to his pocket.

"But why can't you look at me?" She pressed. He may not be drinking, but that didn't mean something wasn't wrong.

She thought he was going to argue at first, like the last time. She thought he was going to deny it and then lecture her on appropriateness. But the sternness in his expression bled away and he shrugged. "She was my patient."

"Mrs. Clarke?"

He nodded.

"It's not your fault she died. And it's not your fault she married a psychopath."

"No," he agreed, "But it is my fault for asking Derek to do the consult. He was busy that day. He asked if Nelson could do it, but I insisted. I wanted the best."

Meredith opened her mouth, but no words came out. She had never slowed down to wonder why Derek had been asked to consult in the first place. When he had been the Head of Neuro it was normal, but once he had become Chief things had changed. Instead of being in surgery, he did paperwork. Instead of being called to the pit, he attended board meetings. Instead of doing consults, he balanced budgets.

She trembled as she tightened her arms around her chest, suddenly feeling the need to protect herself. From what, though, she didn't know. The realization, maybe. Derek shouldn't have been near that patient, at least not as her doctor. He would have been involved regardless, after Mr. Clarke had fought taking his wife off of the ventilator. But he would have been involved as the Chief and not as the person who had made the decision to let her die, in Clarke's eyes at least.

She had spent six days going over and over the day of the shooting, trying to come up with a 'Derek doesn't get shot' scenario. Her mind had never wandered anywhere earlier than that day. She had never asked why her husband had been involved with that particular patient.

"I..." She stammered, trying to say something. Part of her wanted to yell and scream and blame him for almost killing her husband. The rational side of her, however, knew it wasn't Richard's fault for wanting the best for his patient. Because her husband was the best. She wouldn't blame him, but she also couldn't bring herself to tell him it was okay. Not right now.

The fact that she had purposefully put herself on a stopped elevator with Richard Webber suddenly seemed like a very bad idea.

"I'm sorry, Meredith," he continued. "It seems like no matter what I do, I keep hurting you. I promised your mother I would look after you before she died, but I almost killed your husband."

"I don't need you to look after me," she whispered. "I can look after myself."

"You didn't just watch him get shot," Richard continued without reacting to her words. "I keep hearing stories. I heard about what happened in the OR. It's my fault this happened in the first place. It's my fault he almost died. It's my fault you had a gun pointed at you. It's my fault-"

"Shut up." She whispered.

"Meredith-"

"Shut up," she said louder. "Shut up! My husband is lying in a hospital bed upstairs, trying to recover. One of my best friends is lying in an ICU bed across the city, fighting to live. Owen got shot. Residents I worked with are dead. I don't have time to hold your hand right now. The only person at fault for this – any of this – is Clarke. This wasn't your fault. And this isn't the first time I've told you this. So, stop with the freaking self-deprecation. I don't have time to deal with this."

He opened his mouth to respond, but she continued without letting him speak. "Get over it. My husband told me there was a shooter in the hospital and then he put me in a closet and I let him leave me there. I let him walk away. And then he got shot. I had to get over that."

"Meredith-"

"And I walked into that OR and stood in front of the gun and..." She trailed off as tears filled her eyes. "A lot of things happened that day. And none of them were your fault. The only thing you have to live with is decisions you made where you knew what could happen. Did you know Mr. Clarke was going to buy a gun and go after the surgeons he blamed for the death of his wife when you asked Derek to do the consult?"

"Well, no..."

"Then this wasn't your fault. And the best thing you can do right now is take back Chief and get the hospital through this so Derek doesn't have to feel guilty on top of everything. He's got enough on his mind right now."

"I'm sorry this happened."

"I know. Me too. But stop focussing on me, and focus on the hospital."

"I promised your mother."

"I don't care. My mother didn't care enough when she was alive to watch out for me. And I spent a long time building myself a family of people who will watch out for me. I don't need you to watch out for me and I don't _want_ you to watch out for me. I can take care of myself. And when I need help my husband is always there."

He stared at her for a long moment, and she stared right back, almost challenging him to argue. Challenging him to say he had almost taken Derek away. It would give her a reason to yell. And part of her wanted to yell right now.

"I'll do my best," he finally whispered, and he didn't have to clarify what he was talking about. Meredith understood. Everything. Taking back Chief. Not blaming himself. Not feeling responsible for her.

"Thank you." The urge to yell bled out of her.

"She'd be proud of you, you know? Your mother. She'd be proud of the person you've become."

She stared at him before nodding. "Thank you." She reached out and restarted the elevator. They rode in silence until they reached Richard's floor.

The elevator doors opened and Richard stepped out, but hesitated before walking away. "For what it's worth, Meredith, I'm glad you have someone who's there for you."

She offered him a soft smile. "Me too." The doors shut before more could be said, but it was okay. They had said what needed to be said. She rode back up to the cardiac floor and walked to Derek's room. He was still sitting up, and turned his head at the sound of the door opening.

"Hey, you okay?" He asked softly, his expression pinching as he took in her red eyes.

She kicked off her shoes and settled herself on the bed next to him before responding with, "I'm good."

"I take it you caught up with Richard?"

With a nod she buried her nose against his shoulder. "I cornered him on the elevator and accused him for drinking again."

Derek stiffened beside her, and she rubbed her hand down his arm. "He's not. I just made an ass out of myself by accusing him."

"Oh."

"I thought he was drinking and that was why he couldn't look at me."

"I noticed that..."

Meredith closed her eyes and inhaled deeply, breathing in her living, breathing husband. "He told me he insisted you do the consult on Mrs. Clarke; that he wanted the best."

His hand found hers and squeezed tight. "Yeah," he breathed. "I guess he did. I hadn't thought about it."

"He feels guilty. Or, he did feel guilty. I told him to get over himself."

"Interesting strategy."

She giggled in response and her heart tugged ever so slightly. Because her husband always knew what to say to lighten her mood. "He promised my mom he'd watch out for me. And now he feels like he almost got you killed."

"It wasn't his fault. There's no way he could have known."

"I know. And he knows. He just needs to stop feeling responsible for me. I can take care of myself."

"I know," he whispered, and then chuckled quietly. "Though, he was doing it before your mom died. He didn't make me interim Chief after his surgery because he was punishing me for being with you."

"Sorry."

"It was worth it."

Meredith lifted her head away from the bed and reached to run her fingers through his hair. "That wasn't the only time you gave up Chief. At the end of my internship..."

"I had the right priorities then. I knew I couldn't focus on you and the job. I just got lost somewhere on the way trying to figure out...you."

She smiled at this. "I'm sorry I made it so hard."

He tugged at her hand, and she leaned in to kiss him. "Totally worth it," he murmured between kisses.

"Good."

"Do you think Richard will be okay taking back Chief?"

She nodded. "I do. I think, maybe, he's finally going to stop trying to watch over me. He's changed."

"We all have." He smirked. "Except you. You're resilient. You get us through the dark and twisty things."

"I've changed," she told him with a soft smile. "I know I don't have to go through the dark and twisties alone anymore. And that kind of makes the dark and twisties go away."

His content – almost grateful – smile tugged at her heart. And made her want to continue. "I can take care of myself," she repeated. "But sometimes... Sometimes it's not enough. And you're always there when I need help."

"So are you."

She smiled. "We're pretty good at this, huh?"

"Good at what?"

"The marriage thing."

His smile grew. "We are."

She leaned in to kiss him again. "You are an excellent husband."

He chuckled. "Well, you're an amazing wife."


	20. Chapter 20

_**AN: Just a quick warning...this story is winding down. There will only be two chapters after this one. The next chapter is almost finished and the final chapter has a relatively solid picture in my mind. I hope to have the story complete by the end of the week so I can finally turn my attention back to WYB and HWA. Big thanks to everyone who has been reading!**_

One week had passed since the day of the shootings that had claimed the lives of eleven people, and seriously injured as many more. Meredith woke in the early hours of the morning and listened to the comforting sounds of her husband breathing beside her while the sun rose.

Waking up in the hospital felt different today, like a veil of grief blanketed the city with the darkness of the night and was too strong to be lifted by the early morning dawn. Derek had slept soundly, and for that she was grateful. Despite his suffering – both emotional and physical – over the past seven days, he continued to be her rock. Knowing he was resting as peacefully as could be expected soothed her as she lay beside him, on her side, running her fingers along his arm and shoulder, reminding herself things hadn't ended nearly as badly as they could have.

Derek was alive and would maybe be home on the weekend. Alex was officially stable and would be transferred to Seattle Grace the next day. And the rest of her family, despite being a little worse for the wear, were okay.

She inhaled deeply and closed her eyes as she reminded herself of the good.

Her family was okay; a bit battered maybe, but alive and stable, and going to stay that way.

She lifted her hand and ran her fingers through Derek's hair. His lips parted as a sigh escaped, but he didn't wake. She smiled softly to herself.

The previous day had been rough. They'd dealt with a lot. But they'd dealt with it together. And the fact that they really were awesome at the marriage thing made her heart swell. They'd get through this and come out the other side even stronger than before.

They still had their future.

There was just some crap they had to get through before the next few steps.

Derek shifted again and Meredith pulled her fingers from his hair, not wanting to wake him. He needed to sleep. It was hard enough for him to find a comfortable position.

It would be another strenuous day, Meredith knew already, before the day even started. Not only did it mark the one week anniversary of the shooting, but she knew she wouldn't be able to avoid her mother-in-law for much longer. When Carolyn had returned from the airport the day before, with Amelia and Jenna in tow, she had offered Meredith a kind smile and then settled herself on the couch. The afternoon had proceeded relatively normal. Carolyn hadn't said a thing; hadn't made Meredith feel pressured to say anything.

But that didn't mean Meredith hadn't been acutely aware that Carolyn knew. And she wasn't sure how she felt about that.

When Carolyn, Amelia and Jenna had asked Meredith have dinner with them, she had declined. And after dinner, when they left Derek and Amelia alone to say goodbye, because Amelia's flight left first thing in the morning, Meredith had mumbled an excuse and hid in the residents' lounge for forty minutes. When she returned to Derek's room, his family was gone. And she couldn't even remember now what excuse she had given.

She'd have to deal with it today. Carolyn wasn't going anywhere anytime soon. And the whole and healed side of Meredith knew even if she managed to avoid Carolyn for the rest of her visit, the anxiety would just fester inside of her until the next time she saw her mother-in-law. She had already promised Derek Christmas in New York, and she wouldn't ruin his vacation. Their vacation.

With a heavy sigh, she laid her head down and hooked her arm around Derek's. The miscarriage hadn't been her fault; she knew that. And Derek hadn't blamed her for a moment; that was all the confirmation she had needed.

But it didn't mean she wanted to talk about it with anyone other than her husband. Cristina had left her alone once she knew Meredith had been checked out. Telling Bailey had been safe. And she had needed to tell someone before Derek was strong enough to hear the news.

Carolyn, however, was an unknown.

Meredith pressed her nose into Derek's shoulder and inhaled, wondering why chaos had overtaken her life again. One hundred and sixty-eight hours ago she had arrived at the hospital, vaguely nauseous, and had finally convinced herself to take a test. And only a few hours after that she went from joyful to fearful in the blink of an eye when Derek had swooped in and secured Meredith and Cristina in the closet. Fear had turned to dread when Cristina had recognized the man with the gun. And dread had turned to horror when she had discovered her husband standing on the catwalk with a gun pointed his way.

And then Clarke had pulled the trigger.

She flinched now, a week later, lying in bed with her husband, at the sheer memory. It was the first time she had let herself remember. Flashes of memories had caught her off guard throughout the week, and had devastated her dreams, but she had never allowed herself to remember, to actively play out the memory from beginning to end.

Derek moaned beside her, probably awoken by her reaction.

"Shh," she whispered into the soft fabric of the tee shirt covering his shoulder. "Go back to sleep."

"Mer?" He mumbled, his voice gruff with sleep. "'s you?"

She lifted her head, smiling at his bleary eyes. "It had better be me. Unless you have a propensity to let other women crawl into bed with you that you haven't told me about."

He chuckled, low and breathy. "Funny..."

"And yet you still haven't answered me." She raised an eyebrow.

"I don't let anyone in my bed 'cept you."

She leaned over to kiss him. "Good." She kissed him again, and then made a face, "Are you healthy enough now that I get to mention the morning breath?"

He chuckled again, which quickly turned into a soft laugh.

She laughed too. It was normal. Their normal.

"Well, if you'll let me up, I'll go brush my teeth."

Meredith rolled off the small bed and waited as Derek raised the back of the bed and slowly got to his feet. "Are you up to shaving too?"

"Is that a hint?"

His face was only stubbly at this point. She shrugged. "A light hint. I'll let you know when it's more...required."

"Required?"

She smirked. "Only if you want me to kiss you."

He shot her a wry look. "I guess it's required, then." He began to shuffle towards the bathroom, and stopped at the door, glancing back at her. "Do you mind grabbing me a change of clothes? I think I'll try to shower too."

She turned for the small patient closet and pulled out a fresh pair of sweat pants and his Bowdoin tee shirt, before following him into the bathroom.

OO

In the time it took Derek – with Meredith's help – to brush his teeth, shave, shower and redress, Carolyn and Jenna arrived, and were seated on the couch when Meredith and Derek exited the bathroom.

"Morning," Jenna called cheerfully, glancing up from her morning crossword.

Meredith jumped, slightly startled by their presence.

"We just dropped Amelia off at the airport," Carolyn explained their early arrival, a cup of tea in her hands. "Thought we'd come straight here and beat the traffic."

Derek, tired from the early morning bathroom activities, mumbled a greeting to his mom and sister as he shuffled across the floor to his bed.

Meredith offered both a warm smile, though it faltered as she met Carolyn's eyes. The irrational hope she had held that Carolyn would magically forget what she had seen the day before vanished. There was a sense of _knowing_ behind her mother-in-law's eyes, despite the sympathy and the warmth. And something else Meredith couldn't decipher.

Derek settled himself in the small bed, the back up at an angle, and laid his head back with a sigh. "I'm ready to go back to sleep..."

She smiled. "Lazy."

His lips curled into an amused smile, but his eyes fluttered closed.

"Derek, do you want some breakfast?" Carolyn asked.

He made a face, and used his hand to gesture towards the tray he had ignored on his way from the bathroom to the bed. Another breakfast of runny eggs and greasy sausage. "No."

"We can make you a bowl of oatmeal," she suggested. "Meredith said you like it before."

"Maybe later," he mumbled, obviously exhausted by the exertion of his morning.

Carolyn didn't prod him any further, but her expression told Meredith she would press the issue again when her son woke. It made Meredith smile, because she was planning to do the exact same thing. Her husband needed his strength if he wanted to recover. And that meant getting enough nourishment to feed his healing body.

Derek muttered something else, mumbles that were probably supposed to be words, and then fell silent, asleep.

Jenna snorted softly, amused. "I've never seen him like this."

"Give your brother a break. He's only a week post op."

Meredith's smile faltered at this. Because he wasn't really a week post op yet. He hadn't been in recovery, or even surgery exactly a week ago. He had been perfectly healthy a week ago. Strong and solid. His skin tone hadn't lost its colour yet. His eyes hadn't been cloudy. His skin hadn't been dry. His hair hadn't been dull and limp.

He would have still been in his office exactly a week before. Doing the paperwork he hated. Perhaps allowing his mind to wander to the dirty sex she had promised him.

She wished she could go back to that moment, right before all hell had broken loose, and warn him. Or done something to stop everything from happening. To stop her world – _their_ world – from crashing down around them.

Derek was going to recover fully. And they could make another baby. And the people in the world who were most important to her were alive.

But that didn't mean their life hadn't been forever altered. There would always be that wonderment in the back of their minds about the baby. Derek would always bear scars as a reminder; physical for sure and emotional very likely. In the short term, there would be physical, mental and emotional recovery. Tests. Physical therapy. Maybe psychological therapy. In the long term, there would be the memory. The knowledge that life could change in an instant.

Derek had never been one to take things for granted. He was aware of what he had. And he wasn't materialistic.

Meredith had recognized these traits early. But she hadn't truly understood them until now. It was the suddenness and the carelessness that added the most severity to the emotional effects of the trauma.

Anyone could get sick. That was always a possibility in the back of everyone's mind. As are a number of other potential aetiologies for becoming severely ill or injured. Natural disasters. Car accidents. Human error. _Drowning_. Fires. All considered unlikely, but remotely possible.

Murder isn't considered at all likely by many. It definitely wasn't something Meredith had ever considered a possibility. But now she knew the feelings of shock, horror and lack of control that came hand in hand when another human being took all the power away. So simple and so ruthless. Unpredictable. Unfathomable, even now.

Meredith exhaled as a chill ran up her spine. Having spent so much of her life being the only person she could count on, she didn't take much for granted anyway. But she had come to count on her husband to be there for her; to take for granted his constant presence in her life. It made her notice every single moment now. Every word. Every look. Every touch.

"You okay?" Jenna asked quietly, pulling Meredith from her thoughts.

She shifted her gaze from her slumbering husband to her sister-in-law. "I'm fine. Just tired."

"You sure?"

Meredith smiled at the way Jenna's eyes pinched and head tilted ever so slightly. Just like her brother. "Yes. I just didn't get much sleep last night. It's been a week..."

Jenna offered her a supportive smile and a nod. "I get it." She went back to her crossword.

Meredith hesitated, knowing Derek could be asleep for some time. She didn't want to sit in silence, hyperaware of Carolyn's presence in the room until he woke up. She cleared her throat. "I'm just going to grab a change of clothes." Her clothes were damp from helping Derek. It was a good excuse to get her thoughts together. "Maybe have a shower too. I'll be back soon."

The hallways were busier than they had been for a week as she made her way to the residents' lounge. Hospital staff roamed the halls, expressions downcast, as she passed. A few offered her soft smiles, which she returned. The atmosphere was dark and cloudy, mirroring the day that now seemed to be developing outside, covering the sun that had been rising clearly an hour earlier. But the mood remained unspoken between the staff. Everyone knew what day it was.

Another resident Meredith didn't know well was in the lounge when she pushed through the door. About the same age as Meredith. Long black hair. Tall. Meredith was pretty sure her name was Dr. Lindon.

She jumped as Meredith stepped into the room and turned quickly, eyes wide. They quieted when she met Meredith's gaze.

"Sorry," Meredith mumbled, offering her a quiet smile.

Dr. Lindon smiled back. "Not your fault. I think we're all a little jumpy today. Didn't feel real until now."

Meredith hesitated before nodding. It hadn't felt not real for a moment all week. But for someone who hadn't been as personally affected as herself, she could understand wanting to push the shooting from her mind and pretending it wasn't real for as long as possible.

"It's funny, you know? My brother is a cop and he's never had to draw his gun. I'm a surgeon and I've been exposed to more violence in one day than he's been in five years."

"Kind of funny in a sad way, huh?"

Lindon smiled. "Yes. Yes it is." She paused, and her smile fell away. "I'm sorry. Obviously this isn't funny to you, what with Dr. Shepherd..." She trailed off and shook her head, apologizing again. "I'm sorry. I'm just nervous today. And when I'm nervous I talk."

"Don't worry about it," Meredith said quickly. "We can't all walk on egg shells around each other forever or this hospital is not ever going to recover."

"Good point." She shut the bottom of her cubby. "I should get back to work. I...I hope this isn't out of line, but I hope Dr. Shepherd is doing well. He's...well, a lot of people are worried."

Meredith nodded. "He's okay. Well, as okay as can be expected."

"Good. And you, Dr. Grey? Are you okay?"

"I'm okay."

Lindon nodded, though her face betrayed her as she made her way to the door.

"I'll be okay," Meredith clarified. "It's just...been a long week."

"Just think of it this way; the worst is over."

She nodded. "Thank you."

Lindon smiled before stepping out the door.

OO

Forty minutes later, carrying two bowls of oatmeal, Meredith returned to Derek's room to find him waking up.

"Perfect timing," Jenna said. "We were just going to get him breakfast." The hospital breakfast tray had been removed at some point during her absence. "You've saved me a trip down the hall."

"It's some kind of psychic soul mate thing," Derek mumbled groggily.

Meredith giggled as she set one of the bowls down on the bed tray in front of him. "That is very corny. And entirely inaccurate."

"How do you figure?"

"If we had some sort of psychic connection you'd know things. Like when to buy strawberry ice cream. And when to not steal my surgeries."

"You steal her surgeries?" Carolyn asked.

"No," he said quickly, and then after Meredith shot him a glance, clarified his statement to, "Once."

Jenna made a 'tsking' noise and shook her head.

Derek ignored his sister and raised an eyebrow at Meredith.

She shrugged. "What? Just because I don't believe in that stuff doesn't mean I don't love you."

He pursed his lips, considering her statement. "I'll make a believer out of you eventually."

She rolled her eyes. "You think we were meant to be together or something? Really?"

"Mm-hmm," he murmured with a nod, his eyes sparkling despite the drugs.

She giggled again, happy he was playing with her.

"How do you think we found each other?"

"Circumstance," she spoke, before mouthing '_and alcohol_' to Derek only.

He chuckled. "I don't mean at the beginning."

"Then when?"

"You don't think it's unusual that when we've both needed someone to save us, the other has been there?"

"You're talking about..." She trailed off, knowing.

He nodded. "I found you in the water. You found me on the catwalk. If either of us hadn't, the other would be..." _Dead._ He didn't have to say the word.

She exhaled. He had a damned good point. And she had no rebuttal for it.

Derek smirked at her. "That's a strong point for my side."

"Just eat your stupid oatmeal," she countered, sitting down and reaching for her own bowl.

"Yes, dear," he mumbled.

A few minutes passed in silence, before their breakfast was interrupted by the door opening.

"Good morning, Shepherds," Teddy greeted as she walked into the room, Derek's chart in her hands, her eyes focussed on his most recent results. She paused four steps into the room and lifted her eyes. "Dwindling Shepherds," she clarified. "What happened to the small army?"

"My other daughters went home," Carolyn explained. "There's no use in them all being here when Derek is obviously doing fine."

"I drew the short straw," Jenna added.

Meredith giggled as Derek mumbled something under his breath.

Teddy smiled, turning her attention to Derek. "Your family has the right idea. You are doing exceptionally well."

"Great. Does that mean I get to go home?"

"Soon. Sunday, probably. You have to finish your course of antibiotics first. And I want to do one more scan on Friday. And you still need to have a consult with a physiotherapist. He'll give you some exercises and a schedule."

"I know the drill."

"Then you know to be patient, and to follow every direction."

"I've followed every direction. Done every exercise. Taken every test. Every pill."

"Yes, you're a good patient. You just need to _be_ patient. Recovery takes time."

The door opened again, and Cristina strode into the room, an uncharacteristic smile on her face. "Sorry," she apologized to Teddy. "I was on the phone with Lexie."

"And?"

"Alex is officially listed as stable and is being moved out of the ICU."

Meredith released a breath she hadn't realized she had been holding. "Thank god. We would had to have kicked his ass if he hadn't gotten his act together."

"From what I understand, that's exactly what you did," Teddy told her.

"Huh?"

"I stopped in to check on him yesterday. Spoke to Dr. Hopper. He said there wasn't much hope for Alex before you showed up. Whatever you said to him turned things around."

"Oh, I didn't... I just told him he wasn't allowed to die."

"I'm pretty sure it was more than that, Meredith," Teddy said softly. "You saved his life."

Meredith swallowed hard and nodded, not trusting herself to speak. She hadn't been lying when she had told Alex she needed him. He was one of two men in the world she could trust implicitly. He was her family. And there weren't many people she could call her family. Although, spending the week with Derek's family had led her to believe she could start to add to that list soon.

"Anyway," Teddy continued, noting Meredith's reaction and not wanting to make her uncomfortable. "Your labs from last night are unremarkable, as usual. How's everything else? Have you been up and walking?"

He nodded. "Every chance I get."

"Good. Pain level?"

"Muscles are getting sore, especially my back and legs."

"That's normal. Try to move as much as possible. Too much time stationary will add to the strain. How's your incision feeling?"

"It's hard to separate it from the sternum."

"How much pain? Scale of one to ten."

"Maybe a six."

Meredith knew he was lying, but remained silent. Teddy's expression told her she didn't believe him either. He was much closer to an eight. A nine when he overdid things.

Teddy checked the incision and the IV site. "Looks good and clean. No signs of infection. We'll be able to remove the stitches this weekend and stop the antibiotics."

"Good."

"Any other questions for me?" She gave Derek a chance to respond, and then turned to Meredith, Carolyn and Jenna. There were no questions. "I wish all of my patients were this easy."

After Teddy and Cristina excused themselves to continue their rounds, Mark dropped by for a quick visit. And then Owen. And Bailey, even. It was lunch time before Meredith knew it. She headed for the nurses' lounge to get drinks, and used the time to call her sister. Lexie picked up on the second ring and excitedly told Meredith Alex was now in a regular ward room. Meredith was even able to speak to Alex briefly, and promised to see him the next day when he was transferred to Seattle Grace. After she hung up, she filled four cups of ice water and loaded them into a tray.

When she returned to Derek's room, Derek and Jenna were gone. Carolyn was sitting on the couch, reading a magazine.

"Where did...?"

"Cafeteria. They're going to get lunch and bring it back up here. They haven't had much time together, just the two of them." She smiled. "Jenna refused to go home, even when the other three left. They've always been very close."

Meredith nodded as she set the drinks onto the small table. "I've noticed. They're a lot alike as well. It's nice; that your family is so close, even living so far away."

Carolyn regarded her carefully for a long moment. "We're your family now, too, Meredith."

Meredith hesitated, taken aback by words she couldn't remember ever having heard before. "I..."

"You don't have to say anything. Derek said you're hesitant about family." She offered Meredith a warm smile. "And that's okay. But we're here; just so you know."

"Thank you," she whispered, unable to say any more, but also unable to say nothing.

Carolyn nodded.

Meredith handed her a cup of water and helped herself to one as well. It wasn't until she was sitting back down that she realized that with the activity of the morning she had allowed herself to forget to avoid her mother-in-law. And now she was stuck. Not only was she sitting in the same room, but Carolyn had just basically welcomed her to the family. She couldn't just make an excuse and leave now.

She closed her eyes and counted to three, before seeking Carolyn's gaze. "I know you know," she said quietly.

Carolyn nodded sadly. "I had my suspicions, but I knew for sure yesterday."

Meredith blinked as a sheen of tears clouded her vision. "I'm sorry."

"What in God's name are you sorry for?"

"I..." She trailed off, surprised that she couldn't come up with anything.

"Meredith, these things happen. And there's nothing you can do about it."

"This wasn't just...nature taking its course or whatever."

"Then it happened that day?"

Meredith nodded, blinking back another wave of tears.

"Oh, Meredith," Carolyn sighed. "You can't know for sure that it wouldn't have happened anyway."

"I know I can't know for sure, but I _know_. Inside, I just know."

"How far along were you?" Carolyn asked carefully.

"I don't know. Not far. I only found out that morning."

"I'm so sorry, Meredith."

"It's not your fault," she said quickly, forcing a gulp of water down her throat.

"No, but I'm still sorry. I know it's not easy."

Meredith opened her mouth to thank her, but something stopped her. Carolyn's gaze. The look she hadn't been able to ascertain earlier. _I know it's not easy. _I _know_. Her breath caught. It was understanding in Carolyn's gaze. She'd been through this too.

"I had two miscarriages," Carolyn said quietly. "The first was before I had Kathleen. And the second was before I had Derek." She paused. "And as hard as I'm sure it is for you to understand right now, they happened for a reason. If they hadn't happened I wouldn't have had Kathleen and Derek."

"Oh. That's..."

Carolyn offered her a comforting smile. "You can't understand right now. But in a few years, you're going to look back with a deeper understanding." She hesitated. "And maybe you'll have a son, and a few decades from now he's going to fall in love and you're going to look back and be grateful you had him when you did because your child is _that_ happy."

This time Meredith couldn't blink away the tears and a few found their way down her cheeks. "Thank you," she whispered. It was acceptance, if she had ever experienced it. That wasn't something you just said to fill the silence. And that wasn't something you said because you had to. "You really think he's happy?"

"I know it. Despite the pain he must be feeling, his eyes light up when you're around, Meredith. He needs you. I told him that the first time I met you, when I gave him my ring. You're what his father and I always wanted for him."

"Your ring?"

"He didn't give it to you?"

"No, he..." She trailed off. The ring she still kept safely in her nightstand. "He never told me it was yours. I just assumed he..." She shook her head, suddenly feeling like a horrible person. Carolyn had been wearing a ring when she had first met her. She could remember that now. But Meredith had been so distracted by her nerves at the time that she had never looked at it, and had never noticed it had been taken off. And now she had been keeping it in a drawer for over a year. "I'm sorry. He didn't...and I'm not... You can have it back. He shouldn't have taken it. It's yours. I'm sorry."

"I don't want it back, Meredith. It's not mine. It was always meant to go to Derek; to go to _you_. It was my mother-in-law's ring."

"But..."

"It's meant to go to you, Meredith. Whether you wear it or not, it's yours. Until your son falls in love. And then you pass it on."

Meredith inhaled, and then exhaled raggedly. "I...don't really know what to say."

"Then don't say anything. Just know that you're a part of this family now." Carolyn offered her a tender smile. "And if you hadn't won me over the first time I met you, saving my son's life definitely would have clinched it." She paused, still smiling. "Thank you, Meredith."

She smiled back. "I didn't have a choice."

"You always have a choice."

"Not this time. I can't live without him at this point. I wasn't just saving him."

"You could, if you had to," Carolyn said quietly. "But I am infinitely grateful you don't have to."

They shared a look of understanding; the woman who had lost her husband and the woman who had almost lost her husband.

"Me too," Meredith said quietly. Carolyn was right. She could live without Derek if she had to. Her life wouldn't be nearly as happy and full as it was now, but she could do it. If she had to.

But the point was that she didn't have to. Derek wasn't going anywhere. He'd be the other half of her life for a long time to come.


	21. Chapter 21

It was just shy of three in the morning, and Meredith knew she should be sleeping, being the first night in almost two weeks that she was lying beside her husband in their own bed. Derek had finally been released from the hospital that morning, with a novel list of instructions and enough medications to stock a small pharmacy.

But it didn't matter, because it had been eleven days and he was finally home.

Carolyn and Jenna were staying for another couple days, and even though their presence at home would have bothered Meredith just two weeks earlier, it didn't now. They had helped pack up Derek's things, and Jenna had driven them all home early that afternoon. Meredith had sat in the backseat, holding Derek's hand. The position had obviously been uncomfortable for him, and he cringed with every bump, start and stop, but he had smiled most of the way home.

She was proud of him, for putting up with being a patient for so long. The constant light, noise and monitoring. Not to mention his family's worries and her hovering. He had barely complained, though he hadn't hidden his relief at finally being able to go home.

Once back at the house, they had settled him in the living room. After a few hours he was worn out and ready to sleep. The stairs to the second floor had been a challenge, but he had managed with some help. She had offered to find a way to make up a bed on the main level, at least for the first few days, but he had refused. He had wanted to sleep in their room and she hadn't the heart to try and convince him otherwise.

Once in the privacy of their bedroom, Derek's eyes had welled. And, unable to not cry when he was crying, Meredith's had quickly followed suit. He had hugged her as best he could. And after a few minutes Derek's energy level had drained and she had helped him into bed. He had woken twice since, but both times were short lived, for the most part leaving Meredith alone with her thoughts.

There had been moments when she had had to seriously consider life without him. Moments where she had to consider the possibility that they would fail; that she would lose her husband. Eleven days earlier there had been several moments where all she had been able to feel was defeat. And in the days following she had suffered from bouts of overwhelming fear and helplessness from the situation.

And now, finally back at home with her husband, Meredith couldn't define any of the emotions she was feeling, save for confusion. Confusion was definitely taking a front seat in her emotional train at the moment.

Which was maybe why, instead of curling up next to her husband in their first night back in their own bed in two weeks, Meredith was sitting up against the headboard, her knees to her chest and her ring grasped between her thumb and forefinger in front of her eyes.

She had kept it in a small box in her nightstand since Derek had given it to her the night she had agreed to spend the rest of her life with him. She had never worn it outside of the bedroom, but some nights, when Derek was asleep or at the hospital and Meredith couldn't sleep, she would pull it out and marvel that it was hers. Some nights she even put it on.

She rolled it between her fingers and glanced beside her. It was strange, after spending a week sleeping on his right to now be back on her usual side of the bed. But he hadn't said anything when she had pulled the covers over him and kissed him goodnight. And when she had crawled into bed next to him and snuggled up against his shoulder he had mumbled that he loved her. She had whispered it back in the dark and listened as his breathing evened out as he fell asleep, propped up by a pile of pillows.

And despite his warmth and the comfort she felt at being back in their bed, Meredith didn't sleep. She had been aware before he had woken both times, and had been able to soothe him back to sleep quickly. Eventually she had given up finding sleep and had rolled away to reach for her ring.

Derek was still sleeping now, his eyes closed and his chest rising and falling evenly, as she sat up beside him. She closed her fist around the ring and reached her free hand to run through his mussed hair. He didn't even stir. And after a long moment, she withdrew her hand and returned her attention to the small object that somehow meant more now than it had the last time she had held it.

She had never been the kind of girl who needed the big, flashy engagement ring. But that didn't mean she didn't _want _it. Not the big or the flashy, but the ring itself. Knowing it was there had brought her comfort on many sleepless nights. Now, however, it seemed to be contributing to her insomnia.

Derek had never told her it had been his mother's ring, and his grandmother's before. That meant he hadn't gone out and spent some amount of money on a piece of jewellery for her. It meant he had given her a piece of his family and his history. An heirloom. Something he – and his mother, apparently – considered to be meant for her to have.

Meredith opened her fist and smiled softly at the small ring. Normally one to avoid late night contemplations, tonight she couldn't help it. Her relationship with Derek, especially at the beginning, had been inconsistent and scary. At some point though, they had figured each other out enough to get on a path that had led them to this point. Love. Commitment. Stability.

But even knowing where they had come from and where they had arrived at, Meredith couldn't pinpoint her emotions when Derek had given her the ring. He had been certain; that she knew for sure. Otherwise he would never have given her the ring his family had kept from Addison for eleven years.

Had she been as certain at that point, almost a year and a half ago?

When they had gotten back together for the last time and had truly begun to meld their lives together, she had been scared and insecure, and not certain they could make it work. Not certain _she_ could make it work. But all of that had improved on a continuum that had led to the devoted couple who had been willing to die for one another less than two weeks prior.

She wondered now _why_ Derek had never told her the importance of the ring. Had she still be flighty enough that he hadn't wanted to startle her? She couldn't remember where on the continuum she had fallen at the time. The weeks and days leading up to his breathtaking proposal had been stressful, to say the least. The death row inmate and the truth about Derek's father. His mother's visit and the panic that had accompanied it. Addison, and Derek's old friends. Archer's surgery. Jenn's death and Derek's subsequent breakdown and self-induced isolation.

The last events had been the hardest. Living without Derek for those few days had been much more difficult than she would have expected. She hadn't been able to sleep without him next to her. She hadn't been able to breathe not knowing if he was okay. And she hadn't been able to concentrate while wondering if she was doing the right thing for him.

Meredith took a deep breath and then exhaled slowly as she remembered the emotions she had been feeling at the time. And then she knew. She had definitely been certain at that point. She had been certain she and Derek could make their relationship work indefinitely. She had _trusted_ him.

But why had he not told her about the ring?

Had she not told him she was certain? Had she not made sure he knew she trusted him?

He knew now. He had to. But still the secrecy with the ring.

She silently slid it onto her left ring finger and smiled softly at the chill it sent up her spine. And then she chuckled quietly, realizing he wasn't the only one with a secret related to the ring. She had never told him about her late night hand modelling sessions.

Holding her hand out in front of her, she watched the moonlight from the window reflect off of the ring as she contemplated its feel. Its weight. The coolness of the bank around her finger. It felt good. Comforting. And now, knowing the history of the ring, it made her feel like she belonged.

"Looks good," Derek's soft voice pulled her from her reverie and she startled, having thought he was asleep.

Her hand came to her chest as she released a nervous giggle. "You scared me."

"Mmm, sorry," he mumbled, "Though you had to know I was here. I'm not exactly up to being stealthy these days..."

She giggled again. "I thought you were asleep. How long have you been spying on me?"

"Not long. You seem...lost."

Meredith reached her right hand to run through his hair. "You know that I trust you, right?"

His eyes pinched, and then closed. And for a long moment she thought he had fallen back to sleep. But he surprised her when he released a groan and struggled to sit up.

"What are you doing? Stop."

Derek ignored her, and managed to manoeuvre himself into a sitting position on the side of the bed in the time it took Meredith to get up and try to stop him. He hissed in pain as he sat, doubled over, his arms across his chest, protective.

"You stupid, stubborn man," she muttered, sitting to his left and rubbing his back with her right hand.

He breathed, and slowly sat upright. "That hurt a little more than I thought," he admitted quietly.

"You're an idiot," she said flatly.

"I was getting sore lying that way anyway. It's what woke me up."

"Then you should have said something instead of deciding to just launch yourself off the freaking bed, Derek. You could have hurt yourself."

His left hand fell onto her knee. "I'm okay, Mer. I promise. It just hurts to move. But it's normal pain."

Still rubbing his back, she leaned her head against his shoulder. "You're still an idiot."

He released a laughing breath. "Maybe. But you knew that when you married me."

She giggled. "I guess I did." She placed her free hand over his.

"I need to sit up for a bit," he mumbled

Silently, she stacked the pillows against the headboard and helped him to sit so he was leaning against it. When he was settled, she sat cross-legged beside him, facing him, so their lefts hips touched.

"Better?"

He nodded, and then offered her a tender smile. "What's all this about trust?"

She shrugged. "I just want to make sure you know."

"That you trust me? I know."

"Are you sure? Because I never told you. I remember telling you I would try to trust you. But I never told you when I did."

"I know," he said again, reaching for her hand. "You didn't have to say it, Meredith. I could tell when it happened. It took me a while to make up for everything I put you through, but when I did, you looked at me differently. And I just knew." He smiled at her again. "I still know."

"Oh."

"Do you know that I trust you?"

She nodded.

"Because I told you?"

"No," she said with an understanding smile. "I just know."

"Good." He reached up to brush a few stray stands of hair out of her face. "Because I do."

"Me too."

He squeezed her hand, and then brushed his fingers along her ring finger. "What triggered all this?"

She breathed as she realized she was still wearing the ring. "I couldn't sleep. And I..." She pulled the ring off her finger and held it out between them. "Why didn't you tell me?"

He closed his hand around hers, so they were holding the ring together, as if he sensed importance, but wasn't sure why. "Tell you what?"

"Your mom told me the ring was hers," she said quietly.

"Mmm-hmm," he nodded in agreement, his eyes meeting hers, expectant. He was waiting for something more. "And?"

It threw her off. He hadn't even flinched that she now knew the ring had been handed down from Carolyn. "And?" She echoed. "And the ring was your mother's. And your grandmother's."

He nodded. "You knew that," he said calmly, and his even tone told her he believed it and was still waiting for her to say something more to explain her sudden contemplative insomnia.

"No, Derek, I didn't. You never told me."

"Of course I did. I..." He trailed off. "Everyone else knew. I was going to tell you when I gave it to you. I...I didn't tell you?"

They had split up after his proposal. He had gone to Owen and she had gone to Cristina. They had gotten home late to celebrate. She could remember lying under him on their bed, half clothed late that night. His lips had been busy against the sensitive skin of her neck when he had pulled away abruptly. She had groaned and watched through dilated pupils as he padded across the room and reached into his leather briefcase. When he had pulled the small box from the bag and presented her with the ring her attention had been much more on him than on the object in his hand. Hours later, lying spent and naked in her fiancé's arms, she had reached for the small box sitting on her nightstand. That had been the first night she had secretly slipped the small band onto her finger.

She laughed before she could help it. And the more she tried to stop, the harder she laughed. Tears streaked down her face and she dropped his hand, leaving the ring to his safe keeping, and buried her face against her palms. "Oh," she mumbled through her laughter. "I'm the idiot."

Obviously confused about her reaction, but doing his best for her, Derek rubbed her knee. "It's okay. I knew that when I married you, too."

She wiped her hands down her face, trying to remove the tears. "You have no idea where my head was at, trying to figure out why you hadn't told me. And it turns out you just forgot."

He smirked at her. "Mer, I rarely have an idea where your head is at. Tell me what you were thinking."

"Just...I don't even know. I couldn't figure out why you hadn't wanted me to know. I was trying to figure out if I was still flighty and you were afraid to tell me. And then I couldn't figure out why you hadn't told me afterwards, because I know I'm not flighty now and-"

"I'm sorry," he whispered, cutting her off. "I promise I never meant not to tell you. I honestly thought I had. But I guess with everything that was happening..." He offered her a soft smile. "I told Cristina, if that means anything. I definitely wouldn't tell Cristina anything I didn't want getting back to you."

"When did you tell Cristina?"

He shrugged. "Before I proposed."

She narrowed her eyes at him. "How many people knew you were going to propose before I did?"

"A lot," he admitted. "I told Cristina, because I knew you'd need her. And then I made the mistake of telling Mark. He can't keep a secret."

She smiled at this. "What did your mom say when you asked for the ring?"

He smiled tenderly at her and reached to cup her cheek. "I didn't ask."

"But-"

"She gave it to me," he whispered. "She just knew. Said I needed you."

Meredith felt her eyes well with tears. "Really?"

He nodded. "I told you she liked you."

"Yeah, I know. But I thought that was just something you say."

"Not me. She liked you, Meredith, right from the beginning. She knew I needed you." He paused and reached for her hand, bringing it to his chest so that it lay palm down over his heart, his hand holding it in place. "And she was right."

The tears kept coming now, and streamed down her face.

"You saved my life, Meredith."

A sob escaped from somewhere deep in her chest. "Oh," she whimpered, "Derek..."

"Hey. It's okay. We're okay."

"I don't want to live without you."

"Me neither."

"I almost had to."

"I know. I'm sorry."

"Stop freaking apologizing. It's not your fault."

"I know. But I can't stand watching you cry." His eyes were damp now too.

She shifted the hand that was pressed to his chest, so that she was now clutching to the fabric of his tee shirt. His hand found her back, and she allowed him to pull her to his chest. Careful of his incision, she tucked her face into the crook of his neck and cried.

"It's okay," he murmured into her hair. "The worst parts are over. You got us through it, Mer. You can let your guard down now. It's okay. It's just me."

His tender words were spot on and only served to make her cry harder. He always seemed to know what she was thinking.

He knew she was struggling for footing now.

"We're moving forward now," he whispered. "We're moving away from it." He rubbed her back. "You can stop focussing on me, and focus on you. It's okay."

With a sniff, she sat up, smiling as he wiped the tears from her cheeks. "It's really over?"

"The worst parts are." He ran his hand down her neck and across her shoulder, and then back. "You've been amazing. You _are_ amazing. And there is nothing in this world that I love or trust more than you. There's nothing I'm purposefully keeping from you or don't want you to know." He offered her a soft smile. "So, you can stop secretly trying on rings in the middle of the night."

She inhaled. "You...caught me before?"

He smirked. "Once or twice. Thought I'd let you have your secret. But you never looked confused like tonight."

"Yeah, well, before it was just about the 'wow, this is actually for me.'"

"And tonight?"

"Tonight I couldn't figure out why you gave it to me without wanting me to know its history."

He hummed as his lips curled into a soft smile and his eyes sparkled, preparing to tell her now. "My grandfather bought it for my grandmother. He died before I was born. But she didn't die until I was around six. I vaguely remember her telling me they had been soul mates. They married early. Eighteen and twenty maybe. She told me she had given it to my dad when he had met my mom. And she told me one day my mom would give it to me when I fell in love."

Meredith smiled softly as she looked down at the ring he was still holding between them. Though, it wasn't just a ring now. It had a history.

Derek chuckled. "I'm pretty sure my response to that was to tell her girls were 'icky' and I was never going to fall in love. But, to be fair, I was five and surrounded by sisters."

She giggled, before sobering. "Can I ask you something?"

"You can ask me anything."

"Why didn't you give it to Addison?"

He nodded, as if expecting the question. "I don't know. I guess I always knew things weren't how they were supposed to be. After my dad died I kind of shut down. Stopped caring about my grades. I barely did well enough in high school to get into college. And then my sister over dosed and almost died."

Meredith nodded. He had told her about Amelia's earlier troubles, not that you could tell from the woman she was now.

"I was reckless," he admitted. "And it took me crashing my motorcycle to realize what I was doing to myself. I decided I wanted to change and Addison was...there. I married her and became the responsible neurosurgeon. And even though I knew it had gone wrong for a long time, I didn't know how to be the responsible neurosurgeon without...her. Until I met you."

"Oh."

He smiled at her. "I never asked my mom for the ring with Addison. And she never offered. And neither of us ever said anything about it until she gave it to me to give to you."

"Would you have asked for it if she hadn't offered it?"

"Yes," he said, without any hesitation. "It's meant for you, Meredith." He reached for her hand, and slowly slid the ring onto her finger. "You don't have to wear it, but if you want to, that's okay. You don't have to wear it in secret in the middle of the night."

She laughed at his tone, even as her nerve endings were tingling at the feeling of her husband slipping the ring onto her finger. "I know. I just...get a little crazy sometimes."

"I knew that when I married you, too."

"Smart ass." She stretched out her fingers and then made a fist. "It feels good. Natural."

"Meant to be."

She giggled. "There you go again."

"I told you I'd make a believer out of you. I didn't even have to have it resized or anything. And it fits you perfectly."

"I don't believe in soul mates, Derek," she said lightly, knowing he was teasing her.

He shrugged. "I seem to remember you not believing in love either."

"Yeah, well, I've changed."

"Changed in a good way?" He asked quietly.

She reached for his hand. "Yes. I'm not the same person I was three years ago. Hell, I'm not the same person I was two weeks ago." She paused. "I've changed," she repeated, only now with a different connotation. The shooting had changed her.

"Me too," he whispered in response. "We've both changed."

She shifted so that she was sitting beside him, also leaning against the headboard, her head resting on his shoulder. "I love you. That won't ever change."

"I love you, too. Forever."

They sat together in silence for several minutes.

"Thank you," she eventually murmured.

"Hmm?" He hummed in question.

"For letting me...freak out and cry and whatever. I didn't realize how much I was holding in."

"That's what I'm here for," he murmured in response. "No matter what's going on in my life, Meredith, I'm always here for you."

"Good. Me too."

"Good," he echoed quietly. He yawned and then continued with, "It's okay to be vulnerable sometimes. You are stronger than anyone else I've ever met. And you get everyone else through crisis after crisis. But everyone needs help sometimes. Hell, I've learned that the hard way these last eleven days."

Tears welled in her eyes, but didn't fall. "I'll keep that in mind. As long as you do too. We still have a long way to go before things are back to normal and if we don't both remember that then we-"

"What did I tell you?" He mumbled softly, cutting her off. "Always getting everyone else through the crisis." He turned his head and found her lips in the dark. "I'll remember," he promised between kisses.

She kissed him back hard, savouring the feeling of finally being able to kiss and touch her husband in the privacy and comfort of their bedroom. It wasn't until she began to feel a very familiar heat building within that she pulled away.

"Mean husband," she muttered. "You can't kiss me like that when we both know there's not going to be any follow through from either of us for a while."

He chuckled and pecked her lips once more for effect. "I get carried away with you."

She settled in beside him, her right arm hooked under his left and her head on his shoulder. "Are you going to sleep like this or do you want to lay back down?"

"Like this. At least for now. It feels pretty okay."

"Good."

"What are you going to do about the ring?" He asked.

She inhaled, having forgotten she was wearing it again. "I..." She trailed off, holding her hand out in front of her. "I think I'll keep it on for a while. See how I feel."

"It looks good on you."

"Doesn't make me look like one of those 'icky' girls?"

He chuckled and kissed the top of her head. "Not at all. In fact..."

"In fact what?"

"I don't know. Just...seeing you wear the ring. It kind of makes me want one."

"No offense, but a diamond ring doesn't exactly scream _Derek Shepherd, neurosurgeon_..."

"Funny." He captured her left hand with his. "I didn't want a wedding band before because I didn't think they meant anything. But now I like the idea."

She stared down at their joined hands and smiled. "I do too."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah," she confirmed. "It'll serve to keep all the love struck interns away from you."

He chuckled. "Not my thing anymore."

Resisting the urge to roll her eyes, knowing he was baiting her, Meredith responded with, "The post-it says no more love struck interns."

"It does not."

"It does," she insisted. "It's just one of those unwritten vows that doesn't fit because post-its are small."

"They are small," he agreed. "And I was kind of thinking about that..."

"That post-its are small?"

"More that post-its are limited."

"Limited?" She lifted her head to meet his eyes.

"I love you," he said quickly, meeting her gaze evenly. "And I see you as my wife and nothing less. I don't need anything more to consider you my wife. But if something should ever happen to me-"

"Nothing is going to happen to you," she said, cutting him off.

"That's the plan," he agreed. "But Meredith, if it does, I don't want someone else considering you as less than my wife. And I don't want someone else making decisions for me if the need ever arose." He squeezed her hand. "You're my wife, Meredith. You have been for over a year and will be for the rest of my life. I just don't want our relationship questioned by someone who doesn't know us and doesn't understand."

"It could be me that's hurt too," she said quietly.

He nodded.

"And post-its are limited," she said in understanding.

He nodded again. "We'll still always consider the post-it as our wedding, but..." He trailed off, slightly flustered.

Meredith smirked. "Derek Shepherd, are you asking me to marry you again?"

He kissed her. "That depends on one thing."

"And that would be?"

"Whether or not you'll say yes."

"Yes," she whispered, pressing her lips to his again.

"Yes that you'll say yes, or yes to the-"

She cut him off with another kiss. "Stop being a smartass."

"It's a valid question." He countered, his eyes sparkling.

She giggled. "Don't make me say no."

He pulled her close and pressed his lips to the line of her jaw. "You wouldn't..."

"I couldn't," she corrected, snuggling into his shoulder again and closing her eyes. It would be uncomfortable to sleep sitting, but she wanted to be as near to her husband as possible.

He threaded their fingers together, the ring caught up in the pile of digits. "I can't say no to you either."

Her eyes welled despite the light hearted atmosphere. They had been through hell. But they had been through it together, and they had come out the other side. There was still a long road ahead of them, but it was much smoother than it had been. And the end was in sight. "I love you." They hadn't used the phrase on a daily basis before, but she suspected it would become part of their routine now. For words that had once gotten caught up in her throat every time she wanted to say them, it was the easiest sentence to say now.

"I love you, too."

The insomnia that had been plaguing her earlier was now gone. With her eyes closed and her body absorbing the heat from his, she felt sleep pulling at her awareness. There would be no more nightmares. Derek had chased them away.__


	22. Chapter 22

_**AN: We've finally come to the last chapter. Thank you for taking this journey with me. Hope you enjoy and thanks for reading!**_

It was relatively clear for a Seattle evening, and Meredith watched as the horizon moved up and down, up and down, up and down, as she swung back and forth like a shallow pendulum. Lying in the oversized hammock, Meredith controlled the movement with her foot against the back of the wrought iron patio chair that had been pushed close enough for her to reach.

A light breeze picked up, bringing with it a whiff of the steaks Derek had grilled them for dinner. It caused her stomach to grumble, despite the amount she had eaten only an hour earlier. Closing her eyes, she revelled in the peacefulness of the day.

She and Derek had been off work. They had spent the morning in bed, had gone out to lunch at a small restaurant they had found after moving into their dream house and had spent the afternoon on the couch watching movies until they had moved to the back porch for dinner.

A single, perfect day.

Such a contrast to the pain and terror of the three hundred and sixty-fifth day before.

Closing her eyes, she breathed in the clear evening air, unable to believe an entire year had passed. And a good year, at that. They hadn't allowed that one horrific day to control their life.

The eleven day hospital stay had only been the beginning, but even with Derek's slow healing process, his physical therapy and the trauma counselling they had both attended, they hadn't let the memories haunt them.

_"I hate Dr. Hummel," Meredith muttered as Derek crawled into bed behind her and snaked his arm around her middle as he spooned against her carefully. "She's too nosey."_

_ "She's a therapist," he reminded gently, pressing his lips into the base of her skull. Six weeks post shooting, and struggling to settle back into their lives, they had sought help. Dr. Hummel had been recommended by Dr. Wyatt._

_ Meredith made a face. Five weekly sessions later and she still wasn't sold on the trauma specialist. "She makes me feel like we're in marriage counselling or something. I don't like it."_

_ He sighed, his exhale warm against the back of her neck. "It's helping."_

_ She turned in his arms and pressed her lips to his. "I know," she whispered when she pulled away. "But I still don't like her."_

_ The corners of his lips quirked upwards. "You're a strange women, Meredith Grey, have I ever told you that?"_

_ "Yes," she responded easily._

_ He pecked her lips. "We could find someone else. We don't have to use her just because we were referred by Wyatt."_

_ "Yeah, but Wyatt hasn't steered me wrong yet," she said softly, running her hand across his cheek and through his hair. "And we're making progress. I think starting fresh would be anti-progress."_

_ "Anti-progress?"_

_ "Mmm-hmm," she nodded against the pillow._

_ "Is that even a thing?"_

_ "Yes," she said with a smirk, challenging him to argue._

_ He chuckled, and tightened his hold around her, pulling her against his chest so they were eye to eye. "I feel...safer. Stronger. More in control."_

_ She brushed her lips against his. "I always feel safe here. In your arms. But I feel safer away from you now, too. At the hospital. I mean, I still can't cross the freaking catwalk, but I can be there and not feel out of control."_

_ "Me too."_

_ "I love you," she whispered._

_ "Mmm, you too."_

_ "We're moving forward."_

_ "Always."_

Withdrawing her foot from the chair she was using as a pillar, Meredith closed her eyes and allowed the rhythmical motion of the hammock to slow gradually with every radial swing back and forth. This was her favourite place in the world now. The house on the cliff was _theirs._ Inside and out. The memories were theirs alone. And all of the memories were good ones.

It had been almost eight months since she and Derek had moved into their dream house. And even though it had almost been winter by the time the furniture was arranged and the boxes unpacked, she had insisted on the oversized hammock for the back porch.

Derek had had to special order it for her due to the time of year.

After setting it up, they had spent the evening rocking together on their cliff as they watched the sun set over the city below. After the sun had dipped below the horizon and the last of the orange hues were disappearing, Derek had gone inside for blankets while she had lit some candles.

_She had just finished lighting the final candle and was securing it in the holder when the back door swung shut. Derek shot her a warm smile as he draped the empty hammock with several warm blankets and dropped a pillow by the top. "Care to join me?"_

_ After waiting for him to settle in first, she turned off the outdoor lights before padding across the porch in the dark, with only the candlelight to guide her. And once she had settled her back against Derek's strong, healed chest and he had wrapped his arms around her, she felt her breath catch. With the house lights off, all she could see was candlelight shining all around her, reminding her vividly of another night, now years before, where it was just him and her and candles on their cliff. Their lives hadn't been as intertwined as they were now, but their emotions had been just as strong._

_ "Wow," she murmured._

_ "Yeah," he whispered behind her. "Pretty amazing, huh?"_

_ She sniffed. "I can't believe me made it." She had felt so vulnerable standing on the cliff that night, and she wouldn't have believed at the time how good life could be and how secure she could feel._

_ "I can," he responded, always the believer. "Like you said, we're extraordinary together."_

_ With tears in her eyes, she turned and pressed her lips against his. Hard. And it didn't take long for their clothes to disappear as they found ways to keep each other warm despite the chill in the air._

Fingers danced along her hair line, pulling her from her memory. She opened her eyes and smiled up at her husband.

"Sorry, were you sleeping?"

"Maybe," she murmured, sitting up. "I was just remembering...that first night out here."

His lips curled into a tender smile as joy and contentment danced across his deep, blue eyes. "Kind of hard to forget." He ran his hands down her side to her swollen abdomen. "Not long now."

"Nope."

He bent down and kissed her. "I can't wait."

"Me neither," she breathed between kisses, and when he eventually pulled away she tugged on his shirt. "Come lie with me."

Derek did as requested and she tucked herself against him as best she could. "You know, this was a whole lot easier not so long ago..."

He chuckled. "It'll be easy again in another month. Until then we'll make do. We always find a way."

"Another month," she murmured. "That seems like so much time and so little all at once." She dropped her hand to the large bump she was now accustomed to. "Do you think he wants out? The way he kicks, it seems like he wants out."

His hand joined hers, and he paused to smile at the soft movement beneath her skin, as his eyes sparkled as brightly as they had the first time he had felt their son's small movements.

_Meredith slammed her car door shut after a long and stressful day at work. Her feet hurt. She was hot and uncomfortable. And she was sick and tired of everyone treating her like a child just because she happened to be carrying one._

_ She stormed up the steps of the front porch and in the front door. Once inside the house she kicked off her shoes and slammed the door so that her husband, who had been off work today, would know exactly how irritated she was._

_ Something smelled good in the kitchen, but she bypassed it on her way to the living room._

_ Derek found her splayed on her back on the couch two minutes later._

_ "Not a good day?" He asked softly, kneeling on the floor beside her._

_ She removed her forearm from its position over her eyes. Her husband's handsome face loomed over her. Having not left the house today, his hair was mussed and his cheeks peppered with stubble. And his eyes, of course, shone dark blue as he met her gaze. She melted._

_ "No," she mumbled. "I hate the hospital. And the doctors. And the patients. And pagers. I freaking hate pagers. And...everything else."_

_ Despite his best efforts not to, Derek chuckled._

_ She glared at him. "Don't make me add you to my list."_

_ He kissed her. "I'm sorry you're miserable." His warm hand drifted to her stomach._

_ "Yeah, well, it's your fault."_

_ "Funny; I seem to remember you being a willing participant at the time..." He rubbed his hand in small circles over the growing bump he was amazed by every day._

_ She huffed._

_ "I made lasagne for dinner," he said quietly. "Though I can make something else if you want."_

_ This made her smile. She wouldn't admit to the mood swings, but the cravings were no secret to anyone. Her mouth watered. "Lasagne is okay."_

_ He pecked her lips. "Good. It'll be ready soon. Now, tell me about your day before you start yelling at me again."_

_ She couldn't stop the smile that fluttered to her lips. It was a routine they had worked out as her pregnancy had progressed; he would make jokes about the mood swings and she would pretend not to hear them. With everyone else she would snap and deny everything, but with Derek it was different. He was going through everything with her, as best he could. He had been there for the morning sickness, and the tears the first time she hadn't fit into her jeans. He had gotten her a larger pair of scrubs when hers had stopped being comfortable. And he made sure to keep the kitchen stocked with anything he could think of that she may want._

_ "I hate being treated like an invalid. And I'm going to start carrying a scalpel around in my pocket soon and cut the hand off anyone who tries to touch my abdomen. This isn't a freaking communal baby."_

_ Derek pulled his hand away from her immediately._

_ The baby kicked in response to the change in pressure._

_ Meredith hooked her fingers around the collar of his shirt and pulled his lips to hers. "You're allowed," she mumbled after the kiss. "I promise not to cut your hand off." She paused and made a face. "Though, I'm not promising not to crush it when I have to push this thing out of me in four months."_

_ He chuckled and returned his hand to her stomach, though she thought she saw a flash of worry in his eyes._

_ The baby kicked again, and she reached for Derek's hand, repositioning it to the side. She had been feeling movement for close to a month now. At first just brief flutters, and later small kicks._

_ She stilled his hand, and then pressed it into her stomach with hers, right over the area where the baby was kicking. "Feel?" She had done this a few times now, but he hadn't been able to feel the movements she desperately wanted to share with him yet._

_ He began to shake his head, and then stopped. His lips pursed and then opened slightly as his eyes stared unseeing at a spot on the back of the couch. The pressure of his hand changed as he now pressed into her on his own, feeling towards the movement._

_ "Wow," he finally breathed, turning to her. "Meredith..."_

_ His eyes were glazed with tears, and her vision immediately became blurry in response._

_ He ducked his head and pressed his lips to her stomach, right beside his hand._

_ The tears in her eyes overwhelmed her lids, and before she knew it she had streaks of salty tears trailing down her cheeks. "You know his head is over here," she whispered, trying to make a joke as she moved her hand to show him, "You just kissed his feet."_

_ He kissed by her hand too, and then shifted to kiss her lips. His eyes were still shining with extra liquid, but his cheeks stayed dry. Hers were soaked by the time he pulled away._

_ "Damnit," she muttered, trying to take control of her emotions._

_ "I love you," he whispered, "Both of you." And she was a goner._

"Mmm," Derek murmured, as if seriously considering whether their son was trying to kick his way out of her. "It does feel like he's on a mission." With only a month to go, the kicks were much stronger than they had been three months earlier. He could feel them easily without her guidance now.

She giggled at him playing along with her.

"Except I don't think he's aware there is an 'out' yet. We're probably just disembodied voices to him."

She made a face. "Weird."

"Normal," he reminded.

The baby kicked again, and she smiled. "I think he's proving you wrong. He knows we're out here waiting for him."

Derek pressed his lips against her forehead. "Maybe."

"We can do this, right?" Despite her strength and her immense personal growth over the past several years, short lived streaks of vulnerability still swelled out of her at times, especially as her pregnancy had progressed.

"We can do anything," he whispered knowingly.

"I worry sometimes," she admitted.

"I know, but that's because you're you, Mer. The fact that you worry proves you're going to be an amazing mom." He paused and rubbed his palm against her abdomen. "An extraordinary mom."

Tears welled in her eyes, and she shut them tight, pressing her face into Derek's chest. "Thank you," she whispered.

His free hand ran up and down her spine in lazy circles.

_After the false alarm the month before that had had her in tears clutching the negative test, and Derek trying to soothe her despite the low odds they would have succeeded on their first try, Meredith took the test alone this time. She had hidden it in her purse before leaving the hospital and when she was good and certain her husband was fast asleep, she had slipped from his arms and headed for the on-suite bathroom._

_ Common sense, combined with her medical knowledge, told her it could take time. Told her it would likely take time. But after everything they had gone through in the past months, they were finally moving forward in leaps and bounds instead of small steps. They were both back to work full time. Derek was almost at one hundred percent. And they were settled in the dream house, with a specially designed room next to theirs, waiting to be decorated._

_ Waiting for a small occupant._

_ She wanted the test to be positive more than anything in that moment._

_ But when the result actually showed up that way, she wasn't able to believe it. She read and reread the instructions twice, comparing them to the test. And then the tears started to fall. Derek didn't know what hit him when she stumbled back into their bedroom, dishevelled and crying._

_ "What is it? What's wrong?" He demanded worriedly as he forced himself to wake up._

_ She held up the positive test._

_ His eyes widened as he fell silent. And then he sprang out of bed and snaked his arms around her waist. "Really?"_

_ She nodded, still too choked up to speak._

_ His eyes welled to match hers. "Oh, Mer..."_

_ "We're having a baby," she finally managed to whispered._

_ Derek's hands found her flat abdomen and he stared at her in awe._

_ "I'm sorry," she whispered before she could help it._

_ His eyes snapped to hers. "Why?"_

_ "I...I just didn't want you to be disappointed again. I never meant to take the test without you. I didn't expect it to be positive. And then I didn't think..." She sniffed._

_ "Meredith," he breathed. "How could I ever be disappointed being married to you?"_

_ She took a shuddery breath. "I wanted to make it special when I told you."_

_ He covered her lips with his. "It is special. I promise."_

_ Meredith felt a smile bubble up from somewhere deep inside her and explode across her face. "It kind of is, huh?"_

_ "It's amazing," was his response. "You're amazing."_

_ "We're amazing," she corrected._

_ "We're having a baby," he whispered reverently, echoing her earlier words._

_ She kissed him. And the kissing quickly led to the dirty sex she had promised him almost five months earlier._

Smiling at the memory, Meredith shifted so she was resting her head below Derek's left shoulder and closed her eyes. It had become a favourite position after his chest had healed enough to take the pressure.

His heartbeat was strong and even beneath her ear. It was almost enough to lull her to sleep.

But she wanted to stay awake a little longer; wanted to stretch out the perfect day.

She ran her hand across his chest, barely noticing the minor imperfections under the thin cotton tee shirt that marked his scars. Now a year old, the swelling was gone and the scars themselves were smooth and light pink. They would continue to fade in colour as time passed, but would never fade back into his skin and disappear.

And Meredith was okay with that.

At first they had served as a reminder of what she had almost lost.

Now they served as a reminder of what she had.

When she was having a bad day, they reminded her of the amazing man who chose to be a part of her life.

When he was driving her crazy, they reminded her there wasn't anything they wouldn't do for each other.

When they were making love the scars reminded her that nothing would ever take him away from her.

Her hand stopped it's movements over the small dip that was all that was left of the bullet hole. His hand found hers, and they lay together, fingers entwined, remembering.

"Thank you for not leaving me alone," Meredith whispered. It was the first time either of them had verbalized why they had both taken the day off work and clung together. It wasn't an anniversary they would ever celebrate, but it was one they would always recognize.

His hand squeezed hers. "Never."

"I'm so happy," she admitted. "I mean, part of me is freaked out about the whole in a month we're going to be responsible for a tiny human thing, but the rest of me... The rest of me is freaking happy, Derek."

"Me too." He sighed. "I hate that I almost wasn't around to experience this."

She tilted her head to kiss his chest, right over his heart. "The important thing is that you're here. We're both here."

"We're _all_ here," Derek corrected.

She giggled. "All three of us," she clarified. It had been a unique concept to gradually come to grasp as her pregnancy had progressed. There was a tiny, living person inside of her. A tiny, living person she and Derek had made together. It wasn't the same as her short lived pregnancy a year earlier.

"I was never the girl who wanted any of these things," she admitted, though he already knew. "But now I think it wasn't that I didn't want them. It was that I wouldn't let myself admit I wanted them. Marriage. Babies. Whatever."

"I'm glad you realized you did want them."

"Me too. I was so scared of becoming my mother."

"And now?"

"I get worried sometimes, but I don't think the worry will completely go away until I'm...doing the mom thing."

"Good. I don't want you to worry about being a bad mom, Meredith."

"The fact that you have faith in me keeps me calm," she assured.

"I'll always have faith in you."

"Thank you." She ran her hand down his chest and then shifted it to her own abdomen as she felt the baby kick. "What do you think he'll look like?"

"You," he murmured. "I hope."

"Hmm," she mumbled into his chest as she closed her eyes and tried to imagine their child. "No. I want him to look like you."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah." She lifted her head from his chest and propped it up on her right hand before reaching to run her left hand through his hair. "If our baby has your hair, he'll be the most beautiful baby ever."

"He'll be the most beautiful baby ever no matter what."

"I agree. Though, you know we're going to be a little biased.

He smirked at her, and she couldn't help but kiss him.

When she pulled away, she shifted upwards and resettled with her nose buried in the crook of his neck. Her left hand returned to her stomach.

Derek's arm stretched around her and his left hand closed over hers.

Meredith smiled at the slight clinking as their rings found each other.

_Three months into the recover process and facing going back to work full time soon, Derek had decided he was finally up to the trip they had been planning since that first night in the hospital when she had wheeled him out to the patient garden and had decided they needed something to look forward to._

_ They flew down to the Bahamas for two weeks. And on the third day, they got married again, just as he had originally suggested, on the beach with drinks in hand._

_ Unable to feel the cold seeping into her hand from the drink clutched tightly within her fingers and unable to make sense of the words being spoken by the officiary, Meredith lost herself in Derek's deep, blue eyes._

_ They were already married, and had been for well over a year. Neither of them would consider their marriage to have begun today._

_ But there was still something amazing and new about marrying the love of your life on a beautiful beach, even if you were already married._

_ At first they had planned to simply go down to city hall and make the post-it legal. Derek had wanted to wait until he had his strength back, because they may as well take advantage of the second wedding night seeing as they hadn't got their first one. And as the time passed, Meredith found herself wanting something more. So, when he had asked about going down to city hall one day, she had gently declined and given him her counter offer. The trip was already planned; they could just add to it._

_ Her voice shook slightly as she repeated the vows offered by the officiary. Terms and conditions they were already living by. Love and cherish. Honour and protect. In sickness and in health. Till death._

_ Her eyes welled as Derek repeated the vows back to her, his voice wobbly, but firm. She was certain the love in his eyes was reflected in hers._

_ "Do you take this man to be your husband, partner and friend?"_

_ "I do," she said as her heart fluttered in her chest._

_ "And do you take this woman to be your wife, partner and friend?"_

_ "I do," Derek echoed her words. Strong and certain. The token McDreamy smile was in full effect._

_ They exchanged the rings they had been wearing for months for the sake of doing so – a slight challenge while holding the drinks._

_ "I now pronounce you husband and wife."_

_ Meredith's eyes welled as her heart beat furiously in her chest. Derek didn't need permission to step into her and capture her lips with his. She fell into the kiss, unable to remember ever feeling this whole and healed and perfectly happy. All too soon Derek grumbled and pulled away._

_ Before she could say anything he pulled the drink out of her hand and passed it away, along with his own. Her giggle at the look on his face – the drinks __**had**__ been his idea – was cut off as his lips crashed down on hers again. She pressed into him as her hands ran up his chest and her fingers buried themselves in his hair, wanting to feel him even closer. His arms closed around her, holding her tight._

_ And in that moment she felt safer and more loved than ever before._

Derek's family – now _their_ family – hadn't said anything about the appearance of the wedding rings on their left hands when they had flown to New York for Christmas. Though, they may have been distracted by the good news Meredith and Derek delivered after meeting their newest niece.

_Out of her element, but not entirely uncomfortable, Meredith smiled at her husband's enthusiasm and allowed him to take her hand and lead her into his mother's house three days before Christmas. The house was filled to the brim with bright lights, red decorations and shiny presents._

_ Having only ever really celebrated two Christmas before – the last two with Derek – and spending most of the holiday at the hospital anyway, Meredith hadn't known what to expect. But she was quickly pulled into the Christmas spirit when she and Derek were swarmed by sisters and brothers-in-law and a small army of children she couldn't keep straight. When no one so much as blinked an eye at her presence, she realized she wasn't the slutty intern anymore. She was the wife. Hell, she was the wife who had saved the brother/son's life._

_ She was family._

_ "How was the flight?" Carolyn asked when all the activity of saying hi and introducing Meredith to the family she hadn't met yet died down._

_ "Good," Meredith answered. "The airport was really crowded, but the plane left on time."_

_ "We almost didn't," Derek added._

_ She giggled. "We were a little late getting there. Derek had to tell the girl at the front desk we were in surgery saving a life before she'd let us through."_

_ He scoffed. "You make it sound like a bad thing. It was true."_

_ "You didn't have to make her feel guilty," she bantered._

_ "I didn't-"_

_ "Don't argue with your wife, Derek. You know she's right," Jenna cut in._

_ He chuckled and shook his head. "We've been here five minutes and already you're taking her side. I can tell this is going to be a long week..."_

_ "Well, she is much better company than you," Nancy spoke up._

_ "How do you figure?"_

_ "We flew out to Seattle to see you in the summer and you couldn't even be bothered to show us around." Amelia this time._

_ Derek grumbled something unintelligible under his breath._

_ Meredith giggled, secretly pleased that Derek and his family could joke about the shooting. It was a sign they were healing and had moved on. Calling Carolyn six months earlier and telling her that her only son had almost met the same fate as her husband had been nearly impossible. She had been afraid to break them. But now she saw the strength the Shepherd's drew from each other._

_ Something in the room hissed with static and then a small cry sounded. For a moment Meredith didn't know what she was hearing, but then Kathleen sighed and tiredly reached for the small baby monitor sitting on the table beside her, and then left the room._

_ She returned ten minutes later carrying her two week old daughter. "This is your Uncle Derek and Aunt Meredith," she told the small bundle._

_ Derek held out his hands and took his niece easily. "Hi, Emma," he cooed, rocking her until she settled and then holding her against his chest. "You look just like you mommy." Cradling the baby in one arm he reached his free hand to rub her chest._

_ Meredith felt her heart swell as the tiny baby latched onto Derek's pinky finger with her entire fist. She had seen him interact with young patients before, but she had never seen him like this. Comforting and tender, cradling a baby he loved. He was a natural. And he'd make an amazing father in seven months._

_ "She's got a good grip," Derek commented, smiling at his sister._

_ Kathleen nodded as she sat herself down across the room, obviously content to leave her daughter in the care of her brother. "And she's got an attitude already. Fights everything; especially sleep. She's going to be a challenge."_

_ "But only to your mommy and daddy, right?" He cooed at the baby. "Not to your favourite uncle."_

_ Meredith smiled at the interaction. The older kids had all greeted him enthusiastically. Derek was obviously a loved uncle, despite the distance._

_ "You want to hold her?"_

_ She froze as she realized Derek was directing the question at her. "Oh, I don't think..." She glanced at Kathleen. Just because Meredith was readily accepted as Derek's wife didn't mean there was any assumption she could be trusted with small children._

_ To her surprise, Kathleen smiled at her and nodded. "It's okay. She is your niece."_

_ Derek didn't wait for her to respond, and she quickly found herself holding the baby._

_ After working at a hospital for three and a half years, Meredith had held babies several times, so cradling the small bundle was relatively easy. However, this was the first time she had ever held a baby that wasn't a patient._

_ Emma squirmed at the movement. Her forehead wrinkled and she stared up at Meredith with bright blue eyes._

_ "Uh, hi," Meredith stammered. Her free hand rubbed the baby's chest like she had seen Derek do. Emma settled, but one flailing arm reached for her hand and impossibly tiny fingers wound around her index finger in a small vice grip._

_ "Wow, she does have a strong grip."_

_ Once again stationary, the lines on Emma's forehead disappeared. She continued to stare wide eyed at Meredith, her small blue irises shifting as she took everything in through new eyes._

_ She didn't seem worried to be in Meredith's arms. She actually seemed pretty comfortable._

_ "She's beautiful," she told Kathleen honestly._

_ "Thank you."_

_ Emma's free hand came up to the side of her small head in a fist and she yawned. Meredith smiled down at her niece as she closed her eyes._

_ Several minutes passed before Kathleen spoke up, interrupting the quiet conversations in the room. "Is she asleep?"_

_ Meredith nodded._

_ "You're hired," Kathleen responded immediately._

_ "I'm...what?"_

_ Kathleen offered her a tired smile. "It's impossible to get her to go to sleep or stay asleep. You're a natural."_

_ Not wanting to admit how much the comment meant to her, Meredith shrugged. "She's kind of awesome."_

_ "You'll need one of your own soon."_

_ Meredith tried to hide her reaction, but she instinctively glanced at Derek at the same moment he glanced at her. And their reactions weren't lost on anymore in the room._

_ "Derek Christopher Shepherd, is there something you haven't told us?" Carolyn demanded._

_ Derek met Meredith's eyes, asking for permission. She smiled and nodded. It was their turn to give good news._

_ "We'll have our own in about seven months."_

_ The reaction was just as animated as it had been six months ago when Kathleen had announced her good news. Derek stood to accept excited hugs from his family. Kathleen hurried over and plopped herself down next to Meredith, offering her a half hug. "Congratulations."_

_ "Thank you."_

_ "Do you mind if we hug you later and leave the sleeping monster with you while she sleeps?"_

_ "Monster? She doesn't look like a monster," Meredith teased._

_ "Oh, you just wait. In seven months and two days you'll be calling yours a monster."_

The baby kicked against their joined hands, pulling Meredith from her memories. "He's going to be very spoiled," she whispered into the warm skin along Derek's neck.

"Yes," he murmured back, "He is."

"Lots of people love him already." His family. Hers. Their friends. Far more than ever loved her growing up. Derek's sisters and mother had sent more baby clothes than Meredith could imagine being able to use. Cristina was taking her role as God Mother very seriously and had bought the baby a custom made onesie proclaiming him '**Future surgeon**.' Lexie was excited about becoming an Aunt again. Mark had already sworn to take his nephew to every kind of sporting event possible. Even Alex was involved.

He had been in the hospital for longer than Derek, even after being transferred to Seattle Grace. But once he had first decided to fight, he had improved every day. It had taken him months to return to work, but he hadn't let his time off or his injury slow him down.

_"Why are you knocking? This is your house." Alex said, standing in the front hall as Meredith stood on the porch._

_ "Not anymore. I moved out, remember?" She teased, stepping into the house she hadn't lived in for months now._

_ "That must be why it's so quiet at night," he countered._

_ She swiped a hand at him, before hissing, "Shut up."_

_ Alex laughed and followed her into the living room. "So, what did he do?"_

_ "Who?"_

_ "Shepherd. Do you need me to kick his ass?"_

_ Laughing at the – coincidental – memory, she shook her head. "Derek didn't do anything wrong."_

_ "I don't need you to check up on me."_

_ "I'm not. I came to tell you something."_

_ He raised an eyebrow, expectant._

_ She smiled. "You're going to be an uncle."_

_ "So, Shepherd did do something..."_

_ She laughed._

_ "Congrats, Mer. You deserve it."_

_ "Thank you."_

_ "And you're going to be good; I know it. You're nothing like you mother."_

_ Biting her lip, she nodded as tears sprang to her eyes. And then, despite his initial unwillingness, she hugged him. "Thank you, Alex. For some reason that means more from you than anyone else."_

_ He had hugged her back. And months later, when he had presented her with a small blue onesie that said '__**My Mommy Loves me**__' they had repeated the process all over again._

Derek's hand left her stomach and ran up and down her side. "There will never be a shortage of love," he promised, turning his head to kiss her forehead. "He'll never stop to question that he's loved and important, that he has people who would do anything for him."

Tears fell quietly from her eyes, but they weren't out of sadness from her own childhood. They were out of relief. Her son would have a childhood. A wonderful childhood, full of love and laughter and good memories.

"I wonder if my mom ever felt this way," she murmured thoughtfully. "Did she feel this way before I was born?"

He sighed and his hand stilled along her side for a moment, hugging her. "I don't know, Mer."

"She missed out if she didn't," she whispered in response. "And that's on her. I love him so much already. And I want him to be happy and healthy and safe more than anything. More than surgery. I don't know if she started out feeling this way and it changed, or if she never felt this way. But I can't imagine feeling any other way."

"I'm glad." He stroked her stomach again. "I love him, too."

"We're really doing this."

He chuckled. "We are."

"I love you so freaking much, Derek."

"I love you too. Just as much. Forever."

The past year had pushed her boundaries. She had experienced more horror and pain and loss than ever before. She had cried and she had hurt. She had had to be strong for other people and let her own needs slide. But the whole time she had known life would get better. She had been able to let the grief and the pain and the defeat in knowing she wouldn't succumb to it.

And she had gotten through it.

They had both gotten through it.

Despite the experience he had been through, her husband had been able to return to the optimistic, caring, charming man he had been before. If possible, he was even more compassionate. Their relationship had only gotten stronger. They had seen each other at their lowest, had learned to accept support from the other, and were all the closer for it.

The next year would bring new challenges. Parenthood. Chief Residency. Fellowship applications.

Meredith couldn't wait. Derek's eternal optimism was contagious, and she couldn't help but expect all sorts of good things in her future.

The baby kicked again, as if declaring himself to be the top good thing she had coming. And he would be right. Her success as a surgeon meant nothing without her family. If she had spent the last year living without her husband, none of the other stuff would mean anything.

Closing her eyes, Meredith inhaled the comforting scent wafting from the crook of Derek's neck and snuggled as close as she could, ready now to fall asleep in his arms. She hadn't had the nightmares since he had been released from the hospital. Her dreams were now filled with visions of the future.

~z~

_Derek held her hand as she lay in a hospital bed, suffering through contraction after contraction as they prepared to meet their son. "Almost there, Mer. You're doing awesome."_

_~zz~_

_Holding the small bundle that was her son, with Derek's strong arms wrapped around the two of them, Meredith didn't thing she had ever felt so safe. "He's amazing," she whispered._

_ "He's extraordinary," he corrected, pressing his lips to Meredith's temple and then their son's forehead. "You both are."_

_ "We all are. All three of us."_

_ "An extraordinary family."_

_ Her eyes welled and her heart ached. She had a family. She nodded. "We really are."_

~zzz~

_After waking alone in the middle of the night, Meredith found her husband and son together in the nursery. Ten months old, Chris Shepherd lay fast asleep on his father's bare chest as Derek slept in the rocking chair. With their matching brown hair, they were the perfect picture of father and son. It was several minutes before Meredith could bring herself to wake her husband._

_ "Hey," she murmured, running her fingers through his hair._

_ He sighed and opened his eyes, whispering, "What time is it?"_

_ "Almost four. How long have you been here?"_

_ "Since one."_

_ She kissed him. "You should have woken me. It's my night."_

_ "You were exhausted." He stood and carefully placed their son into his crib._

_ Meredith snaked her arms around him from behind. "Thank you," she mumbled into his back._

_ His fingers threaded through hers, their rings clinking together in the quiet of the room. "I can't believe he's almost a year old already."_

_ "I want another one," she blurted._

_ He turned in her arms, his quickly snaking around her middle. "Meredith..." He breathed._

_ "We said two," she reminded._

_ He kissed her softly. "God, I love you."_

~zzzz~

_The test in her hand declared her undeniably pregnant. She glanced up from it to her husband's hopeful gaze. All she had to do was nod and his arms were around her._

_ "Chris is going to be a big brother," she whispered against his chest._

_ He kissed her. "We have to celebrate."_

_ With a giggle, she allowed him to pull her into their bedroom. "We have to be quiet," she reminded._

_ He groaned. "Maybe Chris can spend a night with his Aunt Cristina this weekend..."_

_ She giggled again. "I'll ask. She'll pretend it's an imposition, but you know how much she loves it."_

_ He chuckled against the sensitive skin on her neck. "Owen said last time he complained about her letting him sleep in the bed. She threatened to kick Owen out of the bed if he complained again."_

~zzzzz~

_Curled up with her husband on their hammock, Meredith kept a watchful eye as her kids played on the grass. Five years had passed since the shooting, and it had become routine for her and Derek to take the day of work and stay home._

_ Running her hand along his chest, she felt for his scars. It seemed like a lifetime ago now._

_ Derek hummed softly, obviously content to lie there all day with her._

_ Barking sounded from around the house as their two dogs – both rescues from the pound of unknown breeding – bounded around the corner of the house together, tongues lagging out of their mouths, and attacked the kids with wagging tails and sloppy kisses._

_ Their daughter screamed in delight and wrapped her arms around the smaller dog's neck._

_ Meredith laughed. "She loves them so much."_

_ Derek chuckled. "Told you we needed two." When they had gone to the pound a year ago, they had gone for one dog and had returned with two because of Derek's insistence._

_ "Yes, dear, you were right," she said, placating him._

_ He huffed._

_ Their daughter was pointing at the dogs now, demanding they sit. Her big brother stood beside her, laughing._

_ "Bossy, just like her mom," Derek murmured._

_ "Shut up."_

_ "It's true."_

_ "Whatever."_

_ "Interesting how you say whatever every time you don't have a valid argument..."_

_ She sighed. "Sometimes I feel like I have five children."_

_ "Five?"_

_ "The kids, the dogs and you."_

_ He laughed out loud. "I'm not that bad."_

_ She couldn't stop the smile from taking over her face if she wanted to. "You, Derek Shepherd, are an amazing husband and an amazing father." It was the simple truth. He was committed to them one hundred percent. The kids loved him and never slowed down to wonder if he loved them. There was no fear that he would be there one day and gone the next, the only memory of someone who poured their cereal in the mornings._

_ "I am, huh?"_

_ She kissed him. "Yes."_

_ He kissed her back. "Well, then you are an even more amazing wife and mom."_

_ "Yeah?"_

_ "Yeah," he repeated, his gaze even as he met her eyes. "And it's a good thing."_

_ "Why is it a good thing?"_

_ "You're already juggling five children. The sixth will barely make a different to you."_

_ She laughed as he rubbed his palm against her swollen stomach. After having two, they still felt like someone was missing. Cristina had told her she was crazy, but Meredith knew she and Derek could make it work. Her family was everything to her. Gun to her head, her family or surgery, she would pick her family every time. She understood now, what Carolyn had told her five years ago. She still thought about the miscarriage sometimes, and if she had had that baby she would have loved him or her just as much, but she wouldn't have Chris._

_ "We can do this, right?" She asked him, knowing his confirmation would chase away all of her worries._

_ "Yes," he said, his tone strong and even. "Together, we can do anything. We're extraordinary."_

_ Wrapped in her husband's arms, her kids happy and secure and loved, Meredith smiled. "Extraordinary..."_


End file.
